No Tomorrow

He nods. “Yeah. Really. I talked to Reece about it and he feels the same. He doesn’t want to do it anymore.”

“Are you kidding?” I certainly didn’t think Reece would be willing to walk.

“He’s got a lot going on. His ex has relinquished custody of their kid.”

“Relinquished custody?” I repeat. “What does that even mean? She’s the mother.”

He shrugs. “She doesn’t want to be any more, I guess. Something’s going on. I don’t ask questions, ya know? But he’s all fucked up over it and he doesn’t want someone else raising his kid.”

“I don’t blame him.” What kind of mother doesn’t want her own child? My heart feels sick just thinking about it.

“When we all meet up in Seattle we’re going to talk to our manager and the guys and figure something out. I don’t want to talk about all that shit now or I’ll get a fuckin’ headache.”

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I care about.”

He looks at me like I’m a big shiny object that holds the secret to world peace.

“I know, Ladybug. I’ve always known that. And it fucking kills me that I hurt you so much, and I missed so much of Lyric’s life, and I wasn’t here when you got pregnant or when you lost the baby, and you were here all the fuck alone and couldn’t find me because I can’t even be responsible enough to keep my fucking phone charged. How am I supposed to live with that?” His self-loathing is so strong he’s literally shaking and grinding his teeth.

I take his ice cream out of his hands and put both our dishes on the small table next to us.

“Blue,” I say softly. “None of this is your fault. You never hurt me on purpose. I know you’re… different and complicated.” He shakes his head and won’t meet my eyes but I don’t let that deter me from talking. “I love you more than anything in the world. I knew when we got back together that I would have to share you with millions of people. I knew right from the beginning, way back years ago, that we would never have a normal relationship. And you were always honest about that. But that never stopped me from loving you, or from wanting to spend my life with you. Even when things have been a mess, even when I’m scared, even when I don’t know what the heck is going on with you, I still can’t imagine my life without you.”

He looks up toward the sky and screws his eye shut. He lets out a deep breath and clenches his fingers into fists.

“Tonight I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to feed you ice cream and see your smile. Then I wanted to take you to be bed and kiss every inch of you until you fell asleep and I wanted to hug you all night and make sure you knew how much I love you and care about you and appreciate you. I just wanted to give you some kind of happiness and security and instead you’re worried about me. You’re always worried about me.”

“Because I love you.”

“I don’t want to be dead weight to you anymore. I want to be there for you like you’ve always been there for me. I don’t want to be the fucked-up, lost mess anymore who lets you down every fucking time. I don’t want you to wake up someday and wish you had someone better. That’s what I thought when I couldn’t find you. I was like finally, she came to her senses and left my fucked-up ass.”

My chest clenches from his words and the negative way he sees himself. I rub my hand up his arm, gently squeezing his bicep.

“I can promise you that will never happen. You’re not a fucked-up mess and there’s no one better for me than you. Leaving you has never once even entered my mind. Nobody ever said love had to be easy and perfect, Blue. It just has to be real, and honest, and able to weather the storm. We have that. Anything else, we can work on together.”

He kisses me, then picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, where he does everything he said he wanted to do. I’m smothered with kisses and soft caresses and lulled with whispers and promises. I wish he truly knew just how special and loved he has always made me feel.

Chapter Forty-Nine

I’ve never been faced with so many decisions at once in my life. I’ve made lists of pros and cons. I’ve talked to Ditra until her eyes glazed over and rolled back in her head.

Blue and Reece have already put the wheels in motion to leave the band. That discussion took almost two months of fighting, negotiating, and debating with the other band members, their manager, and their record label for them to finally come to an agreement. They agreed they would finish out the few tour dates they had left for the year, and then No Tomorrow would dissolve. Blue and Reece would not be replaced. The guys, however, are open to working together again sometime in the future for a reunion.

I suppose it was a bittersweet decision for all of them. Freedom from No Tomorrow would open the door for new opportunities, but also would leave the door slightly ajar for them to still work together.

Blue agonized over his decision to leave the band. I’ve never seen him struggle like that before. When he decided to leave me years ago, I only saw and felt my own pain and suffering from his decision. I often wondered if what he did bothered him. Or did he just walk off without a care in the world, with an out-of-sight, out-of-mind attitude? But now I can see how much he really does care about the things that go on in his life, and how he affects others. He barely slept during the entire negotiation period. For hours he talked to me about how he worried the guys in the band would hate him. He worried that he was ruining their lives and killing their dreams. He was afraid the fans would turn on him. All very valid issues.

Several times I thought he was going to throw in the towel and stay with the band. Especially after witnessing all his mental anguish over what leaving the band would entail. The change in lifestyle and finances. The effect it would have on the others. Giving up the spotlight and walking away from the high of thousands of fans waiting in a crowd just to see and hear them—whether he ever wanted that or not. It’s a lot of change to take on, and years of work to walk away from.

But I’ve also seen the rare glimmer of hope and excitement in his eyes when he talks about the new life he wants to live. A quiet life as a family. He wants to write songs just for himself again—maybe produce an album of his own. I’m proud of him for wanting to chase his dreams and go back to the root of what he loves most about music. I admire the strength I see in him now and his unwillingness to make destructive choices as he used to in the past.

When he came to me with a smile and hug to tell me he’d made his final decision and would be letting the band go, I felt a mix of emotions. On one hand I was sad that he was letting go of a huge part of his life and success, but on the other hand I felt relief and happiness for our future together.

For the first time, we’re both on the same page and can plan a future together.

But now it’s my turn to make hard decisions.

Blue doesn’t want me to work anymore. He wants us to enjoy life together, maybe travel and take Lyric to see fun and beautiful places. We talked about trying for another baby in the future, when we both feel ready, and how amazing it would be for us both to be home to raise the baby together. The mere idea of seeing Blue with an infant in his arms, and witnessing his reaction to his baby’s first words and steps, makes me completely giddy.

Although my job can be stressful and not overly fulfilling, I’ve worked hard to climb the ladder at the office, so to speak. It’s taken me a long time to reach a salary where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck. Money won’t be an issue for us. His financial guy saved and invested his money for him, and he’ll receive sizeable royalties probably for the rest of his life that will keep us beyond comfortable. I’d much rather be spending my days with Blue and Lyric than sitting behind a desk. It’s hard to give up the independence I’ve worked so hard for, though. Giving up my job, my own income, and most likely my house, is a lot. Blue wants to support Lyric and me in every way possible, and that’ll be an entirely new way of life for us. I’ve always paid for everything myself. All the checks Blue has sent me over the years I immediately deposited in a savings account for Lyric. I still feel strange using the gold card he gave me months ago for anything and everything Lyric and I—and even the pets—need or want.

We also have to decide where we want to live. Here in New Hampshire? In Seattle? Someplace entirely new? I’ve lived in this town my entire life. My best friend lives right behind my house. That kind of comfort is going to be hard to give up.

Then there are wedding plans to figure out once Blue’s tour is over. Do I want a big fancy wedding? A destination wedding, maybe? Or something small and intimate?

My mind is boggled with all the option, questions, and decisions.

“Mom?”

I blink and stare at Lyric, who’s giggling at me.

“The green candies go in the front.”

I smile. “Oh. I see.”

Blue winks at me from the other side of the kitchen table. We’re building a gingerbread house—a huge one—completely from scratch. Blue and Lyric have been baking and gathering all the candies and other items for days. It’s our first family project and it’s had me silly with happiness. I’ve been slacking on my end of the project because I keep getting caught up in watching Blue and Lyric together. He’s so incredibly good with her. Sweet, nurturing, funny. I’ve never seen him look happier. He’s singing along with the Elvis Christmas album, and he looks hot as hell in a gray sweater that’s perfectly tight around his chest and shoulders, old worn jeans, and black fuzzy socks.