No Tomorrow

“Well, Jesus, I really hope so, but what if he’s not?”

“Please try to understand how hard this is for me. You’re right—I’m exhausted. I’m confused out of my mind. I feel betrayed; I feel like I failed him. I’m upset he won’t see me but I also understand that he feels awful and he needs time to come to grips with what he’s feeling before he can deal with what I’m feeling. This is about him right now. He’s sick, and he needs to get better. I have to deal with my feelings about it separate from him.”

“But how is that fair for you? Isn’t this almost abusive? You get your heart broken and now what? What happens to your wedding plans? You’re just in limbo now? Left to be an emotional mess all by yourself? I’m sorry, Piper, but I don’t like this at all. I feel bad he’s sick but damn, you do not need or deserve this at all, and neither does Lyric. What are you going to tell her now that he’s going to be out of her life for who knows how long while he’s at some glorified spa?”

That’s another hurdle that I’ve sat up at night thinking about.

“I’m going to tell her he’s touring with the band and it’s taken longer than we thought. I’ll have to take it one day at a time with her. The last thing I want to do is turn her against him in any way. Reece thinks that when Blue is feeling better that hopefully he’ll call her and keep their communication and relationship going. She doesn’t have to know where he really is.”

“Hello? She’s not a baby anymore. She reads. She goes online. She’s going to find out what happened eventually. Some web sites are already speculating and spreading rumors.”

My breath catches in my throat. “What? Already? Are you serious?”

She nods. “Yeah. Billy has been watching to see if anything popped up and a few of the rock music forums have some threads started. I think he said right now they’re saying he’s in rehab and had a meltdown after announcing the break-up of the band, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they dig up the truth. They always do.”

“Shit.” I lean my head into my palm. “I can’t believe this.”

“This is what I’m saying. Is all this really worth it? Do you really want this to be your life? Don’t you want nice and calm and….” She pauses and struggles for words. “Normal? No insanity? Like me and Billy have? You guys aren’t married. You can still leave him and no one would blame you at all. You’re allowed to walk away, Piper.”

My blood is close to boiling from her hammering. She will never understand that leaving Blue is not even an option in my mind.

The buildings and trees outside blur by as we drive past, and I stare at them in a daze. That’s how my life feels right now, like a dizzy blur, everything just fading into each other with no clear beginning or end. Ditra is right that I’m in a limbo. I hate it, and I wish I could change it, but I also have come to terms with it.

This is my life—the life I share with Blue.

“I love him, Ditra. That’s all there is to it. I don’t need to say the vows, they’ve been in my heart forever. Better or worse, sickness and in health—whatever life throws at us. I’m in it one thousand percent.”

“I think you’re totally crazy….” She shakes her head and glances over at me. “But I also respect the hell out of you, too. I just hope you’re okay through all this. I kinda love you, ya know.”

“Then just be here for me, Dee,” I almost beg. “Don’t bash Blue, or my feelings for him. Just be my friend, please. That’s what I need.”

She reaches across the car and grabs my hand, squeezing it hard in hers. She lets out a long sigh as she stares out at the road in front of us.

“Fine. If that’s what you want, you got it. I don’t want to lose you,” she says softly. “But I have one request. I want you to see a therapist. I’ll go with you if you want. I just think we have to take care of you, too, because it’s not just about him. You matter just as much. He’s not the only one messed up here, Piper. You are, too, and it’s been building up for a long time. Lyric needs at least one of her parents to be mentally stable.”

I nod in agreement, afraid to speak because a flood of tears is threatening to come pouring out.

Chapter Sixty

Every time my cell phone rings, I jump and grab it, hoping it’s Blue. Today marks eight weeks since I left California, so when my phone rings I’m hoping all kinds of hope that it’s him, but it’s Reece’s number on my screen.

“Hi,” I say as my stomach twists into knots of anxiety.

“Hey. How are you guys doing?”

I get up from the couch and move to my bedroom so Lyric can’t hear my conversation. “We’re good. Nothing new, just doing our usual stuff.” The usual being crying most of the night while hugging Blue’s pillow, seeing a therapist twice per week, and eating my weight in ice cream and lattes.

“Good.”

“How are you doing?”

“Eh. Feeling kinda overwhelmed and being pulled in a shit ton of directions. I’m okay, though.”

Do I detect a hint of sadness in his voice? Or do I just analyze everyone now, afraid they might be having a mental break? I’ve searched the internet for signs of depression and suicidal thoughts in others, and this could very well be a red flag.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

I don’t pry into Reece’s life, even though a part of me wants to. He knows everything about Blue and me. We’ve talked for hours, but always about me and Blue. It’s usually me rambling on and on. Most of the time I wonder why he even takes the time to call me because I’m sure he’s tired of hearing my voice and having to pacify me. I know something is going on with him and the mother of his child, and I wish he would open up to me and tell me what’s going on. Who does Reece talk to about his problems? Blue? Someone else? No one?

“I’m fine,” he says. “I talked to Blue on the phone this morning.”

My heart beats faster just at the mention of his name. “How is he?” My voice strains over the lump in my throat.

“He sounded really good. Before I say anything else, he said to tell you he loves you. And he said to tell you he loves Lyric, and Mickey, and Archie, too.”

“Did he really?” A mix of happy and sad tears fall down my cheeks.

“No lie. You’re the first thing he asked me about. I told him you’re doing good. I’m supposed to keep the conversation upbeat for him.”

I frown slightly with jealousy and frustration. Reece has been to several therapy sessions with Blue at the treatment facility. He gets to see him, and hear his thoughts. He gets to ask questions and be involved and understand.

I get a black hole of questions.

“Doesn’t he want to talk to me himself?” I don’t want to ask this question, but I can’t stop myself either. I have little self-control lately.

“He says he’s not ready yet.”

The happiness I just felt is sucked out of me like a vacuum. “But why?”

He breathes into the phone. “It’s really not for me to say to you, Piper. And believe me, I hate being in the middle like this, but I care about you both. I’m trying to keep a bridge between you two. He talks about you a lot—more than he talks about anything else. He’s petrified. He’s not ready to face you and how he’s made you feel. He’s afraid it’s going to send him over the edge. He doesn’t know what to say to you to make things better. He feels like nothing is enough and he can never make this up to you. He’s afraid you might never feel the same way about him.”

The ache in my chest grows heavier. “He doesn’t have to say anything or make anything up to me. Please make him understand that. He doesn’t have to apologize. We don’t have to talk about any of it at all. I just want to hear his voice and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I want to tell him how Mickey learned how to sit up like a gopher and how Lyric is playing Pink Floyd songs on her harp and I want to hear if he’s seen any rainbows lately and—” A sob catches in my throat and I can’t say anymore.

“The doctor is working on all of that with him.”

“I just miss him so much.”

“I know you do. Don’t give up, sweetheart, okay?”

“I’m not. And I won’t. It’s just really hard because I feel so alone in this.”

“I get that you feel like he’s given up, but he hasn’t.”

I collect those words and wrap them up in a nice pretty virtual bow so I can unwrap them and hear them again later when I need them.

“Thank you…for saying that. It means a lot….”

“There’s something else I wanted to tell you,” he states. “Blue wants to come clean.”

“Clean?” I open one of the bedroom windows for fresh air and stand in front of it, looking out at the dragon statue Blue put in the rock garden. “About what?”

“About the suicide attempt, his mental illness, the drug use. Everything. He wants to let Vic release a new statement. He might do an exclusive interview when he feels up to it.”