Party Princess
God, I hate her.
Well, okay, it’s wrong to hate people.
But I don’t love her, let’s put it that way. In fact, on the list of people I love, Grandmère isn’t even in the top five.
PEOPLE I LOVE, IN ORDER OF
HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM:
1. Fat Louie2. Rocky3. Michael4. My mom5. My dad6. Lars7. Lilly8. Tina9. Shameeka/Ling Su/Perin10. Mr. G11. Pavlov, Michael’s dog12. The Drs. Moscovitz13. Tina Hakim Baba’s little brother and sisters 14. Mrs. Holland, my government teacher last semester15. Buffy the Vampire Slayer16. Ronnie, our next-door neighbor17. Boris Pelkowski18. Principal Gupta19. Rommel, Grandmère’s dog20. Kevin Bacon21,000. Ms. Martinez22,000. The doorman at the Plaza who wouldn’t let me in that one time because I wasn’t dressed fancy enough23,000. Trisha Hayes24,000,000. Lana Weinberger25,000,000,000. Grandmère
And I don’t even feel the least bit bad about it. She brought it on HERSELF.
Thursday, March 4, the loft
Guess what Mr. G made for dinner tonight?
Oh yes. Chili.
There wasn’t corn in it, but still.
Maybe I should throw MYSELF under an F train.
Thursday, March 4, the loft
I knew I’d be inundated with e-mails the minute I turned my computer on. And I was right.
From Lilly:
WOMYNRULE: Does your grandmother realize that the subject matter of her little play is practically rated PG-13? I mean, it contains attempted rape, excessive alcohol consumption, murder, violence—about the only thing it DOESN’T have in it is bad language, and that’s only because it takes place in the year 568. And could you believe how off-key Amber Cheeseman was? I totally blew her out of the water. If I don’t get the part of Rosagunde, it will be a travesty of justice. I was MADE to play this role.
From Tina:
ILUVROMANCE: That was fun today! I really hope I get the part of Rosagunde. I know I won’t, because Lilly was so good at the audition, the part will totally go to her. But it would be sooo cool to play a princess. I mean, not for you, since you play a princess in real life and everything. But for someone like me, I mean. I know Lilly will get it. Still, I hope I don’t get the part of Alboin’s mistress. I wouldn’t want to play a mistress. Also, I don’t think my dad would let me.
From Ling Su:
PAINTURGURL: Okay, clearly Lilly is going to get the part of Rosagunde, but if I get stuck with the part of the mistress, I am going to scream! Asian actresses are always being relegated to roles where they are forced to play sexual subservients. Or, worse, just plain subservients… like Rosagunde’s maid. I refuse to be typecast! I hope she didn’t think my performance of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” was too strident. Also, is your grandma going to need help with the sets? Because I paint totally good castles and stuff.
From Perin:
INDIGOGRLFAN: Wasn’t that fun today? I know I wasn’t very good. I was just so surprised, you know? I mean, that your grandmother had me read for the part of Gustav instead of Rosagunde. Especially after I sang T.A.T.U.’s “They’re Not Gonna Get Us.” But it must have been because there were so many more girls than boys auditioning. You don’t think she thinks I’m a boy, do you???
From Boris:
JOSHBELL2: Mia, do you think your grandmother would be willing to add a scene to her play where Gustav takes out a violin and serenades Rosagunde? Because I really think that would add some emotional depth to the production, should I be the person cast to play Gustav. Plus, it would add historical accuracy, since the rebec, the violin’s predecessor, dates from 5000 BC. I know Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” wasn’t the most inspired choice for my audition song, but Tina said she didn’t think your grandmother would like the only other song I’d prepared, Eminem’s “Cleaning Out My Closet.”
From Kenny:
E=MC2: Mia, I’m troubled by the suggestion your grandmother made as I was sitting back down after my audition piece that whoever plays the part of Gustav the smith ought at least to be capable of growing facial hair. It almost sounded as if she were inferring that I myself am not capable of this, when the truth is that I DO have facial hair, it is just very fair. I hope your grandmother is not going to be prejudiced against blonds in her casting of the male roles.
From Shameeka:
BEYONCE_IS_ME: All anybody can talk about are those auditions today! Sounds like Lilly is going to get the lead (what else is new?). Wish I could have been there. Is it true the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili was there????
Seriously. It’s like they’ve forgotten we have other things to worry about besides who is going to be cast as Gustav and Rosagunde.
Like, for instance, the fact that we are still broke.
I guess it doesn’t really matter so much to them, since they are not the ones in charge.
One thing I will say for Grandmère’s choice of plays: She could not have chosen a piece that more fully illustrates the problems of the royal, in that, ultimately, you are all alone when it comes to making decisions of state. As it did for Rosagunde in that bedroom fifteen hundred years ago, the buck, for me, stops here.
This is all too much for one lone teen to bear. I need someone to help me, someone to tell me what the right thing is to do. Should I just come clean with Amber, confess my sin, and get my whupping over with?
Or is there still a chance I can get the money before she finds out?