Perfect Ruin

I nod.



“Oh. Oh, Morgan.”



I’m not ready for sympathy. I’m not ready to understand what I just saw, but the images persist.



Down the hall, Lex is calling for Alice because he’s heard footsteps and voices, and he doesn’t like people in his home unannounced. He won’t leave the safety of his office while they’re here.



Amy raises her head at the sound of his voice, but she doesn’t speak. “Look at me,” the boy says. “Do you feel dizzy? Does it feel like a fit is coming on?”



He touches her forehead, and she slaps him away. “I’m not an irrational, Wesley.”



Lex is calling for me now. “Sister,” he’s saying, hissing the way he would when I was young and I’d made him angry. “Morgan, get over here.”



I rise to my feet, pretending the floor isn’t tilting. I move methodically until I’m down the hall, in the doorway to Lex’s office.



Alice follows me and turns on the light for once; it’s strange to see all of my brother’s shadowy things colored orange by the glow. He’s standing with his clock in his hands. For a moment I envy his blindness. I want to curl up in that darkness and have the city disappear around me. I want to be in a place where awful things are never seen and never known, and there’s only the whirr of the transcriber as the paper fills with fiction.



“What did you see?” he asks.



“A body,” I say. “Dripping wet, although we weren’t near the lake. Patrolmen were holding us back.”



“What did it look like?” he insists. Alice touches his arm to calm him down. I can’t understand why it should matter to him. If it’s someone he knows, it wouldn’t be by the sight of them.



“A university student in uniform. A boy,” I say. I remember the dark skin and the open eyes, and the name that Amy said in the stairwell. Quince. My voice is unsteady when I get to the end of the sentence.



Lex moves closer. I foolishly think he’s going to hug me, but instead he leans close and says, “Go downstairs. Pretend that none of this ever happened. Get into bed.”



“But—”



“Listen to me, Morgan. Dad will be hurrying home to check on you. You can’t let him know what you saw. You have to pretend you’ve been asleep.”



I look to Alice for reason, but she only gives me a sympathetic nod of assent.



“But Basil and the others,” I say.



“Take Basil with you. He’s been in your room doing homework. Neither of you have any idea what’s going on outside. I’ll take care of the others. Go. Don’t screw it up.”



He reaches for my hands, but hesitates and pushes me for the door instead.



In my bed, I close my eyes and try to be still while Basil pretends to study by the light of the lantern that swings over my desk. My bedroom has an overhead light, a luxury, as many of the less updated apartment buildings have electrical fixtures only in the main living areas. But I prefer the soft glow of the flame lantern anyway.



Basil turns a page.



“I keep seeing the body and then it becomes you, or Pen, or my family,” I say.



“I see it, too,” he says. “It could have been any of us.”



I open one eye and watch his shoulders move as he slouches over the textbook. Maybe he really is trying to study.



“Basil,” I say. “Internment isn’t very big. The person who did this could be anywhere. Could live in this building.”



“One person did this,” he says, “but there are dozens of patrolmen. The good outweighs the bad.” Still, he doesn’t sound so certain. He’s trying to be brave for my sake, but he’s scared too.



“Can you lie down with me for a little while?” I ask.



“Of course.”



I open the blanket to him, and when he gets beside me, I rest my head in the curve of his neck and I try to imagine a life without a betrothed. Try to imagine Judas breathing Daphne’s ashes as they’re released into the tributary.



Basil squeezes his arm around me.



“Do you really believe the good outweighs the bad?” I say.



“It has to.” He sees how little this consoles me, and he nudges my forehead with his chin. “I’ll always be here to make sure you’re safe.”



He’s strong; one of the most promising athletes in the academy. I’ve seen him lift weights half as heavy as I am, and he can climb a rope in record time. But what is all of that worth, really? Can it protect against something that steals you away and leaves your dead eyes gaping at the moon?



“I’ll always be here to make sure you’re safe, too,” I say. “Even if you are the one who’s stronger.”



“You’re strong,” he says. “Believe me about that.”



His fingers weave between mine, and if I were bolder, I’d bring his hand to my heart so that he could feel what he’s doing to it.



He kisses my temple and I feel his breath on my forehead and I nearly feel safe.



Nearly, though not nearly enough.



“Sometimes,” I say, “I want the world that was promised to us when we were small. Uncomplicated and nonviolent.”



He shakes his head. “You wouldn’t be happy with that.”



“I’m not happy with the way things are now,” I say. “I don’t want to be scared that every time I leave my apartment I’ll find a dead body or see a building catch fire.”



“I’m not certain what’s to become of the city,” he says. “But I know we’ll be able to face it.”



“I wish I had your courage,” I say.



“I’m drawing it from you,” he says. He bumps my shoulder. I don’t know how he’s able to make me feel better in the darkest moments.



“I have a thought,” I say. “The two of us running into the sky and disappearing.”



He closes his eyes to see it too.



Outside my bedroom, I hear my father’s patrolman shoes on the kitchen floor. The entire apartment shudders with the authority of them. Basil takes his place at my desk, and my body goes cold where he was holding me. My door creaks open and I close my eyes. As Lex promised, my father is here to check on me. And as promised, I pretend to be asleep. Basil kisses my forehead and whispers “Good night” before he leaves.



I stay very still as the university student dies a thousand deaths behind my eyelids.



17



We have our long seasons and our short seasons, but every day on Internment looks about the same. I’ve heard of water and ice falling onto the ground. Would the people of the ground think Internment is a paradise, or a punishment?



—“Intangible Gods,” Daphne Leander, Year Ten



I DON’T SLEEP. WHILE I WAS PRETENDING TO, though, my father escorted Basil home. I didn’t move when Basil blew out the lantern and kissed my forehead in good-bye. I didn’t get to tell him to be safe.



Now the sunlight is giving me a new day. And guiltily I take it. I’m craving the brightness, and I stand before the mirror studying desperately the highlights in my hair and the shadows cast by the rounds of my shoulders. I am where the sun can find me, I tell myself. I am safe.



“So much like a woman,” my mother says. I don’t know how long she’s been watching me from the doorway, but a smile swells the cheeks under her sad eyes. I can’t tell if she’s admiring or mourning me.



“I was just about to get ready,” I say.



“There’s no class today, heart,” she says. “Come have breakfast; I’ve baked some blackberries.”



No classes. Internment is back to its state of panic, then. I wonder if there was a broadcast last night that nobody told me about. It doesn’t seem so. Over breakfast, my mother tries to tell me about the body that was found at the shuttle station, but her voice keeps trailing off. Her head is down, and all she manages to say is that a university student was killed and that the king has asked everyone to stay inside their apartment buildings until further notice.



The blackberries are flavorless. The sunlight has dimmed and everything is like a grainy image.



“Mom?” I say. “Was the city like this after the murder that happened when you were young?”



She clears the plates from the table without asking if I’m done, and she touches my head as she moves to the sink.



“No,” she says.



Pen and I sit on the staircase in our apartment building’s lobby. We can’t go outside, but younger children in the building have gathered nearby and are playing games. Pen stares through the window of the image recorder her father gave her last year for her festival of stars gift, not taking any images. He makes more money than most do for his work in the glasslands, but Pen hardly ever uses the expensive things he buys her; this is the first time I’ve even seen that thing out from under her bed. Through the bubble of glass, she watches tiny versions of the children run, all of them shrieking with laugher.



“Why do we scream when we’re excited?” she says. “Why is it always the most graphic, violent things with us?”



The clouds have grown especially heavy as the day goes on, coloring the sky white through the windows.



I keep my voice low so the children won’t hear me ask, “Do you suppose the university student screamed? And Daphne?”



She blows a curl from her eye. “Nobody heard them, that’s for sure.” She grunts. “Thomas is going to be unbearably clingy tomorrow.”



“He only wants you to be safe,” I say.



“Only so he doesn’t have to be alone in life if I get killed,” she says. But we both know there’s more to it than that. He adores her. Most of us are content to love our betrothed. But Pen does have a point. Is there anything worse than being alone in life? Alone like Judas. Alone like the murdered university student’s betrothed.



She stares into her image recorder again, but still she doesn’t capture any images. There’s nothing about this day she wishes to remember.



“I’m going to get drunk now, I think,” she says, standing. “You’re welcome to join me.”



I grab her wrist and pull her back down beside me. “Now’s not the time for that,” I say.



“On the contrary, the timing is ideal. We’re both miserable, aren’t we?”



“Yes,” I say. “We promised to sneak tonic bottles only when we’re looking to have fun. This wouldn’t be fun. It would just be sad.”



She opens her mouth but doesn’t argue.



I worry about Pen adopting her mother’s habits, but I know better than to tell her this.



Last year, when she fell ill during class, I was the one to ride with her on the train and be sure she made it home safely. Sallow and stumbling, she insisted the whole way to her bed that it was a stomach virus. But I could smell the tonic in her bedroom. It was heady and stagnant, and I felt that I was returning her to a bad memory that no one should face alone. So I didn’t go back to the academy like I was supposed to. I helped her into pajamas, tucked the blanket around her shivering body, and read aloud from her class textbook about the life cycle of insects.