Playing Nice
“But how do you know it was the result of being coached?”
“Well, it stands to reason,” I said, exasperated. I was about to add, Because he hardly ever says it to me, when I thought better of it.
“I don’t think we should make any assumptions when it comes to ascertaining Theo’s feelings,” Lyn was saying. “I’ll write down that you think that, if you like, but also that there’s no evidence to back it up.”
62
Case no. 12675/PU78B65, Exhibit 32: Report by Susy Carson, proprietor, Acol Road Nursery and Preschool.
I have been asked to write something about the circumstances that led to Theo Riley leaving Acol Road Nursery. Asking a parent to remove a child is not something we take lightly, we would only do it after a sustained pattern of behavior that has the potential to negatively impact the other children. In line with government guidelines half our staff either hold NVQ or BTech qualifications or are working toward them. We always aim to maintain the recommended staff–child ratios and at the current time are actively recruiting to achieve this. However, in line with many local facilities we do find it hard to retain staff, at the time under discussion we were down from eight persons to six. I was heavily involved in covering the shortfall myself, but providing an individual child with one-to-one shadowing to prevent harm was unfortunately not an option we were able to pursue.
The specific incident that led to Theo’s removal was that he hit another two-year-old with a tumbler, leading to a large bruise and bleeding on Zack’s forehead. Even had there not been bleeding, we would have written it in the Incident Book and discussed it with both sets of parents. However, this was the fourth hitting/biting incident in five weeks and it was clear previous efforts to teach Theo to play safely with other children were not working. We had previously had several conversations with the father about the situation and the need for consistent strategies including the home. Whether Mr. Riley followed through on these is not known, however Theo’s behavior clearly had not improved. When I informed Mr. Riley that Theo would be leaving us he did not take it well and I was forced to ask him to moderate his language.
Although we report incidents to parents anonymously, on this occasion both parents I spoke to were able to identify the other child. I feel it is my duty to mention that soon after Theo left us, Zack Tigman’s mother was knocked off her bike by a motorist as she left the nursery, causing her unfortunately to break her leg. Initially she was unable to provide the police with any details, but she has told me recently that she believes the vehicle could have been a Volkswagen, the make of car driven by Mr. Riley.
63
PETE
“NO!” THEO SCREAMED. “NO no no no no!”
“It’s not a discussion, Theo,” I said firmly. “You chose cheesy toast, so you have to eat it all if you want a mini roll for pudding.”
“It’s burned.”
Admittedly, the corners of the toast were dark from being left under the grill a minute or so too long. “It’s not burned, it’s browned. And anyway, you have to eat it.”
“No no no no no no no.”
“In that case, no mini roll.”
In response, Theo slung his cheesy toast on the floor. I retrieved it and put it back on his plate. “There’s no point in doing that, because you still have to eat it, and now it won’t be as nice.” My phone rang. There was no caller ID, which meant it might be one of our lawyers. “Hello?”
“Hello Peter,” Lyn’s voice said, her Welsh accent emphasized by her slow, careful delivery. “Is it a convenient time? It’s just a quick question, really.”
“No! No! No!” Theo’s face was now puce with anger as he banged the table with his fists.
“Yes, I guess so,” I said, desperately looking around for somewhere quiet. There wasn’t anywhere, not unless I went upstairs, in which case an unsupervised Theo would almost certainly wreak havoc with his tea. “Let me just sort out Theo.”
“Of course.”
I picked up a mini roll, then hesitated. If I let Theo have it, he’d shut up for a minute or two, granted, but I’d also have committed the cardinal sin of giving in to a tantrum, and I couldn’t do that, not even for CAFCASS. I reached into the back of the cupboard for a foil-wrapped biscuit instead, consoling myself with the thought that since it wasn’t actually a mini roll, technically I’d carried out my threat. “Here, Theo. Eat some of the cheese on toast, then this.” His eyes lit up as he grabbed it. There was no chance he’d eat the toast first, of course, but at least he’d have to unwrap the biscuit, which would be good for his fine motor skills.
“Right,” I said into the phone. “Go ahead.”
“All it was, was to ask if you would be prepared to attend some parenting classes,” Lyn said. “Now, a lot of parents think they wouldn’t be useful, or that it’s like going back to school, which it isn’t at all. Because really, we could all learn something about being better parents, couldn’t we? I know I could. And it would help to counter anyone saying that parenting style is a particular issue here, do you see? I’m trying to be helpful, Peter. Because it would show that, if there were any behavioral issues, you were just as keen to address them as we are.”
For a moment I couldn’t speak. I actually felt dizzy with rage. The idea that my parenting was the issue here—when Miles’s idea of good parenting was probably teaching Theo how to cheat at rugby—was so ridiculous, so utterly twisted, it made me want to throw up.
I heard my voice say, “Well, if you think it could help Theo’s turn-taking, of course I’ll attend parenting classes.”
“Excellent, Peter.” Lyn sounded relieved. “I’ll put that in my letter, then.”
64
MADDIE
AND THEN WE WAIT.
For the next ten days the law takes its slow, winding course. We shouldn’t in any case expect too much from the first hearing, Anita’s warned us: The judge will simply read the recommendations in the safeguarding letter, encourage the parties to come to an agreement, and set a date for the final hearing, the only one that really matters.
Pete attends his first parenting class. He goes determined to show the instructors he’s got nothing to learn, but comes back saying it was actually quite useful.
“There are some children who basically don’t learn from punishment, so things like naughty step are wasted on them,” he reports. “They respond better to reward. But you have to start off by giving the reward instantly, so they learn you really mean it, before you work up to deferred rewards on a schedule.”
He starts by rewarding Theo for quite ordinary things. “Theo, you’re playing with that train really nicely. Here’s a chocolate button.” “Theo, I noticed you’ve been quiet for five minutes now. Have a raisin.” Initially, Theo is somewhat surprised by this sudden shower of treats, but he quickly gets the idea that doing certain things results in a reward. And if a nice drawing, done on paper instead of the wall, leads to a handful of chocolate buttons, what will eating his cheese on toast without complaint provide? Soon the downstairs walls are covered in star charts for bigger prizes—for eating his breakfast quickly, for getting ready for bed, for sleeping through. It seems to work, too. Personally I’m not sure if it’s really because of the charts, or if Theo is simply growing out of his terrible twos at last, but the transformation is certainly impressive.