“What changed circumstances?”
“There’s been child pornography found on Pete’s computer.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “There’s been what?”
“An indecent image, as I understand it. The CPS will be considering. But my only concern in this is Theo, Maddie, and what it might mean for him. His safety is my responsibility, Maddie, do you see?”
“I don’t believe it,” I say immediately. “I do not believe that Pete could possibly have been looking at child porn.”
“Well, that’s as may be. But we have to err on the side of caution, Maddie, do you see?”
“Are you saying you want him to move out again?” I say slowly.
“No, Maddie, that’s not what I’m saying. Because, as your own solicitor pointed out, there are also now questions over your suitability to act as carer in Pete’s absence, aren’t there?”
“That wasn’t what she—” I begin, but Lyn simply carries on speaking.
“I’ve looked through the medical reports, Maddie, and frankly they’re quite disturbing. Theo found on the floor with—and there’s no nice way to say this, Maddie—feces all around him.”
I feel myself go cold. “I was ill.”
“That’s as may be, Maddie. But who’s to say you couldn’t become ill again? You’re not taking your medication, are you?”
“Are you a doctor?”
There’s a brief pause. I can almost picture Lyn’s sharp eyes narrowing.
“I’m a qualified social worker, Maddie. We have to use our best judgment in situations like this. Though I have to tell you, I’ve also been sent a copy of what appears to be a newspaper article written by Peter, saying that the stress of finding out Theo isn’t yours has brought back some of your old symptoms. Would that not be correct, then, Maddie?”
That bloody article again. I don’t reply.
“We have to take all possible circumstances into account,” Lyn continues after a moment. “If that means taking sensible precautions, so be it.”
“So if you’re not asking Pete to move out, what are you suggesting?” I say leadenly.
“I think it’s best if Theo stays elsewhere for the time being, Maddie. If you would be so kind as to pack him an overnight bag, he can stay with Mr. and Mrs. Lambert until the hearing.”
92
PETE
PACKING THAT SUITCASE WAS the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Compared with that, our time in the NICU was a doddle. Choosing clothes for Theo to take with him felt like choosing what he’d wear in his grave.
And of course, we had to hide our misery from him. Cheerily, we told him he was going to spend a few nights at David’s house, in his new rocket bed, and wouldn’t that be fun?
His eyes lit up. “Yeah!” he exclaimed.
We both took him next morning. Just for a moment, as he walked up their steps, he turned and looked at us anxiously. Then he ran back and lifted his arms for a hug.
We squeezed his little body so tight he said, “Ouff! You’re hurting!” Jill opened the door. We watched him go back up the steps and run inside. We handed her his suitcase.
And just like that, our little boy was gone.
* * *
—
AT NINE THIRTY I called Mark Cooper and told him I wanted to cooperate fully with the police. He started to say he strongly advised against it. I told him to arrange the interview and hung up.
I saw DI Richards the same day and answered all his questions. At the end of the interview he confirmed that, although the investigation against me for child abduction would remain ongoing while they checked out what I’d told them, everything else would be dropped.
“There, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?” he added.
Maddie phoned Lyn and demanded that Theo be allowed to come home now. Lyn said she thought that, on balance, Theo should remain at the Lamberts’ “to see how he settles.”
“I must say, he does seem very happy there, Maddie. And really, that’s everyone’s main concern in this situation, isn’t it? What’s best for Theo, do you see? As his primary carers for the last two years, I’m sure you and Pete must want that for him, too, in the end.”
93
PETE
THE DAYS TICKED DOWN toward the hearing. We dug in. That’s the only way I can describe it—as if we were underground, enduring, waiting for the bombardment to finish so we could emerge, blinking and shell-shocked, into the real world again.
But all the time, there was a huge, Theo-shaped gap in our hearts. The house seemed very still and quiet. It was like being inside something broken, like a stopped clock.
And I had a horrible feeling that, when all this was over, we wouldn’t be emerging into the same world we’d left. If we lost Theo for good, everything would be smashed, including us. Without us even really noticing it, he had become our raison d’être, the point around which our relationship circled.
Not for the first time, I found myself wishing that Maddie hadn’t always been so set against marriage. Anything, however intangible, that bound us to each other would have been a help. But now it was hard to see how we could possibly survive as a couple if we lost him. Like parents who split up in the aftermath of a child’s death, because the grief would only be survivable with someone who didn’t feel the same pain as you, whose agony didn’t reflect yours every time you looked into their eyes.
* * *
—
MEANWHILE, THE LEGAL SIDE of things intensified. We had to write statements, go through the evidence—in particular, Lyn Edwards’s devastating report. She’d recommended that Theo be returned permanently to the Lamberts. He felt safe there, apparently. But so what? Theo felt safe everywhere. Theo would have felt safe on top of a burning skyscraper.
Even though we’d half expected it, seeing it in black and white like that was another crushing blow. Anita told us encouragingly there were lots of things in the report she could challenge. But I remembered what she’d said about CAFCASS in our very first meeting. It’s very, very rare for the judge not to go along with their views.
And now that Theo was staying with the Lamberts, they’d become the status quo. There was a reason possession was called nine-tenths of the law. If he was there, and settled, our strongest argument for keeping him—that moving families would cause disruption—now worked in their favor, not ours.