Point of Retreat

Dr. Bradshaw takes my arm. “Will, we need to go.”



I turn around and take a few steps toward the door. “Wait,” I say. I put my hand in my pocket. I pull out her purple hair clip and walk back to her bed. I open her hand and place it in her palm and close her fingers over it, then kiss her on the forehead again before we leave.



***



The rest of the morning drags by. Kel left with Sherry. Eddie was discharged. She wanted to stay with me but Gavin and Joel wouldn’t let her. All I can do now is wait. Wait and think. Think and wait. That’s all I can do. That’s all I do.



I wander the halls for a while. I can’t keep sitting in that waiting room. I’ve spent way too much of my life in there….and in this hospital. I was here for six solid days after my parent’s died when I stayed with Caulder. I don’t remember much from those six days. We were both in a daze, not really believing what was happening. Caulder hit his head in the wreck and broke his arm. I’m not sure his injuries were near extensive enough to warrant six days in the hospital, but the staff seemed like they didn’t feel comfortable just letting us go. Two orphans, into the wild.



Caulder was only seven at the time so the hardest part was all the questions he had. I couldn’t get it through to him that we weren’t going to see them again. I think that six day hospital stay is why I hate pity so much. Every single person that spoke to me felt sorry for me, and I could see it in their eyes. I could hear it in their voices.



I was here with Lake for two months off and on when Julia was sick. When Kel and Caulder would stay at my grandparents, Lake and I would stay here with Julia. Lake stayed most nights, in fact. When Kel wasn’t with me, he was here with them. By the end of Julia’s first week here, Lake and I ended up bringing a blow-up mattress. Hospital furniture is the worst. They asked us to remove the mattress from the room a few times. Instead, we would just deflate it every morning and then blow it up again every night. We noticed they weren’t so quick to ask us to remove it when we were asleep on it.



Out of all the nights I’ve spent here, there’s something different about it this time. Something worse. Maybe it’s the absence of finality…the lack of knowledge. At least after my parent’s had died and Caulder was here, I didn’t question anything. I knew they were dead. I knew Caulder was going to be okay. Even with Julia we knew her death was inevitable. We weren’t left with questions while we waited…we knew what was happening. But this time…this time is much harder. It’s so hard not knowing.



***



As soon as I begin to doze off, Dr. Bradshaw walks in. I sit up in my chair, but he takes a seat next to me so I don’t stand.



“We’ve moved her to a room in ICU. You’ll be able to visit her in an hour during visiting hours. The scans look good. We’ll try easing her off the anesthesia over time and see what happens. It’s still touch and go, Will. Anything can happen at this point. Getting her to respond to us is our priority now.”



I can feel the relief wash over me, but a new sense of worry creeps in just as fast. “Does…” It feels like my throat is squeezed shut when I try to speak. I grab my bottle of water off the table in front of me and take a drink, then try again to speak. “Does she have a chance? At recovery?”



He sighs. “I can’t answer that. The brain is the most delicate organ in the body. Right now the scans show normal activity, but that may not mean anything when it comes to trying to wake her up. Then again, it could mean she’ll be perfectly fine. Until that moment, we won’t know.” He stands up. “She’s in room five in ICU. Wait until one o’clock before you head down there.”



I nod. “Thank you.”



As soon as I hear him round the corner, I grab my things and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction to ICU. The nurse doesn't ask any questions when I walk in. I act like I know exactly what I’m doing and head straight to room five.



There aren't as many wires this time. She's still hooked up to the ventilator and she's got an I.V. in her left wrist. I walk around to the right side of her bed and pull the rail down. I climb into the bed with her and wrap my arm around her and lay my leg over her legs. I take her hand in mine and I close my eyes...



***



"Will," Sherry says. I jerk my eyes open and she's standing on the other side of Lake's bed.



I stretch my arms out above my head. "Hey," I whisper.



"I brought you some clothes. And your vase. Kel was still asleep, so I just let him sleep. I hope that's okay. I'll bring him back later when he wakes up."



"Yeah, that's fine. What time is it?"



She looks at her watch. "Almost five," she says. "The nurse said you've been asleep for a couple of hours."



I push my elbow into the bed and lift myself up. My arm is asleep. I slide off the bed and stand up and stretch again.



"You do realize visitors are only allowed fifteen minutes," she says. "They must like you."



I laugh. "I'd like to see them try to kick me out," I say. I walk over to the chair and sit. The worst thing about hospitals is the furniture. The beds are too small for two people. The chairs are too hard for any people. And there’s never a recliner. If they would just have a recliner, I might not detest it so much.



"Have you eaten anything today?" she asks.



I shake my head.



"Come downstairs with me. I'll buy you something to eat."



"I can’t. I don't want to leave her," I say. "They've been reducing her meds. She could wake up."



"Well, you need to eat. I'll grab you something and bring it back up."



"Thanks," I say.



"You should at least take a shower. You've got dried blood all over you. It's gross." She smiles at me and starts to head out the door.



"Sherry. Don't bring me a hamburger, okay?"



She laughs.



After she’s gone, I stand up and walk to the vase. I take out a star and crawl back in the bed with Lake. "This one's for you, Babe." I unfold the star and read it.



"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."



I roll my eyes. "Jesus, Julia! Now's not the time to be funny!" I reach over and grab another star, then lay back down again.



"Let's try this again, Babe."



"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."



~Mahatma Gandhi



I lean over and whisper in her ear. "You hear that, Lake? Indomitable will. That's one of the things I love about you."



***



I must have fallen asleep again. The nurse shakes me awake. "Sir, can you step outside for a moment?"



"Is everything okay?" I stand up just when Dr. Bradshaw walks into the room. “Is she okay?” I ask him.



"We're removing the ventilator now. The anesthesia is wearing off so she's not getting anything other than the pain medicine she's getting through her I.V." He walks over to the bed and raises the rail back up. "Just step outside for a few minutes. I promise we'll let you back in," he smiles.



He's smiling. This is good. They're taking her off the ventilator. This is good. He's looking me in the eyes. This is good. I step outside and impatiently wait.



I pace the hallway for fifteen minutes before he emerges from the room. "Her vitals look fine. She's breathing on her own. Now we wait," he says. He pats me on the shoulder and turns to leave.



I go back in the room and crawl back in the bed with her. I put my ear to her mouth and listen to her breathe. It's the most beautiful sound in the world. I kiss her. Of course I kiss her. I kiss her a million times.



***



Sherry made me take a shower when she got back with our food. Gavin and Eddie showed up around six o'clock and stayed for an hour. Eddie cried the whole time so Gavin got worried and made her leave again. Sherry came back with Kel before visiting hours were over. He didn't cry, but I think he was upset seeing her like this, so they didn't stay long. I've been giving my grandmother hourly updates, although nothing has changed.



Now it’s somewhere around midnight and I'm just sitting here. Waiting. Thinking. Waiting and thinking. I keep imagining I see her toe move. Or her finger. It's driving me crazy so I just stop watching. I start thinking about everything that happened Thursday night. Our cars. Where are our cars? I should probably be calling the insurance company. What about school? I missed school today. Or was it yesterday? I don’t even know if it’s Saturday yet. I probably won't be in school next week, either. I should figure out who Lake's professors are and let them know she won't be there. I should probably let my professors know, too. And the elementary. What do I tell them? I don't know when the boys will go back. If Lake is still in the hospital next week, I know Kel won't want to go to school. But he just missed an entire week of school. He can't miss very many more days. And what about Caulder? Where are Kel and Caulder going to stay while Lake and I are here? I'm not leaving this hospital without Lake. I may not even leave with Lake if I don't figure out what to do about a car. My car. Where is my car?



"Will."



I glance to the door. No one's there. Now I'm hearing things. Too many thoughts are jumbled up in my head right now. I wonder if Sherry left me any of her medicine? I bet she did. She probably snuck it in my bag.



"Will."



I jerk up in my seat and look at Lake. Her eyes are closed. She isn't moving. I know I heard my name. I know I did! I rush to her and touch her face. "Lake?"



She flinches. She flinches! "Lake!"



Her lips part and she says it again. "Will?"



She squints her eyes. She's trying to open them. I flick the light switch off, then pull the string to the overhead light until it turns off. I know how much these fluorescent lights hurt.



"Lake," I whisper. I pull the rail down and climb back into the bed with her. I kiss her lips. I kiss her forehead. "Don't try to talk if it hurts. You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay." She moves her hand so I take it in mine. "Can you feel my hand?"



She nods her head. It's not much of a nod, but it's a nod.



"You're okay," I say. I keep saying it over and over until I'm crying. "You're okay."



The door to her room opens and a nurse walks in.



“She said my name!”



She looks up at me, then rushes back out of the room to get Dr. Bradshaw.



"Get up, Will,” he says when he walks into the room. “Let us run some tests. We'll let you back in soon."



"She said my name," I say as I slide off the bed. "She said my name!"



He smiles at me. "Go outside."



And so I do. For over half an hour. No one has left the room and no one has entered and it's been half a freakin' hour. I knock on the door and the nurse cracks it open. I try to peek past her but she doesn't open the door far enough. "Just a few more minutes," she says.



I contemplate calling everyone but I don't. I just need to make sure I wasn't hearing things, but I know she heard me. She spoke to me. She moved.



Dr. Bradshaw opens the door and steps outside. The nurses follow him out the door.

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