Princess in Training

LILLY! I’m NOT! I’m no good at public speaking, you KNOW that. And evolutionarily speaking, Lana has the advantage of both looks AND the fact that her sociopolitical group is the one to whom the rest of us willingly tithe.

What are you talking about?

Just trust me. I’m going to lose.

You aren’t. I have a secret weapon.

YOU’RE GOING TO SHOOT HER?????

No, Tina, you SPAZ, I am not going to shoot Lana during the debate. I have a little something up my sleeve that—if the student body looks unconvinced—I will pull out. But only if Mia looks as if she needs it.

I NEED IT!!!! I NEED IT!!!!

Patience, my young padawan.

Lilly, PLEASE, if you know something, you’ve got to tell me, I’m DYING here. Between your brother and this and the snails, I’m completely fried—

Mia! She wants to see you! In the hallway!

Breathe. Just breathe. And you’ll be all right. Just like Drew in Ever After.

That’s easy for you to say, Lilly. She didn’t stomp all over YOUR dreams.

Monday, September 14, third-floor stairwell

Who does she think she is? I mean, REALLY? Does she think just because I’m BLONDE (well, okay, dishwater blonde, but still) and a PRINCESS that I’m STUPID, too?

If so, she’s going to have to WORK ON THAT POSTULATE.

“Mia,” she said, after dragging me out into the hallway “so we can talk” in front of EVERYONE. “I’ve spoken with your father. He came in on Friday to talk to me about your schoolwork. Mia, I had no idea you were so upset over your grades in my class. You should have said something—”

Um, hello, I believe I did. I asked to rewrite the paper. Remember, Ms. Martinez?

“You know you can come talk to me about anything, anytime.”

Um, oh, okay. Can I talk to you about how worried I am about Britney’s too-hasty marriage and subsequent leave of absence from the entertainment industry? No, I don’t believe I can, can I, Ms. Martinez. Because you don’t like slick popular culture references.

“I know I’m a harsh grader, Mia, but really, a B is a very good grade for my class. I’ve only given out one A so far this semester—”

Um, I know, because I saw it. On Lilly’s writing sample.

“The only reason I didn’t feel comfortable giving you an A is because I still don’t think you’re working up to your potential. You’re a very talented writer, Mia, but you need to apply yourself, and stick to topics that are a little more substantive than Britney Spears.”

THIS is what’s wrong with this school. That people don’t understand that Britney Spears IS a substantive topic! She is a human barometer by which the mood of the country can be determined. When Britney does something outrageous, people reach excitedly for their copies of Us Weekly and In Touch magazines. Britney gives us all something to look forward to. Yes, there might be murders and natural disasters and other downers in the news. But then there’s Britney, French-kissing Madonna on the MTV Video Music Awards, and suddenly, things don’t seem quite so bad as they did before.

I guess my outrage must have shown on my face, because a second later, Ms. Martinez was all, “Mia? Are you all right?”

But I didn’t say anything. Because what COULD I say?

Great. The late bell for fourth period just went off. I’m going to get a tardy from Mademoiselle Klein when I finally get to French.

Not that I care. What’s a tardy compared to what’s going to happen to me in precisely forty minutes in front of the WHOLE SCHOOL?

Monday, September 14, French

0 periods until I make a fool of myself in front of the entire school.

WHERE WERE YOU???? YOU MISSED IT!!!!

Missed what? What are you talking about, Shameeka? WAIT—Did everybody circle around Perin and chant “PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS”????

Of course not. But Mademoiselle Klein DID make us all read our histoires out loud, and we had to say our name first when we did it—you know, like, “Mon histoire, par Shameeka” and when we got to Perin, who said, “Mon histoire, par Perinne,” Mademoiselle Klein went, “You mean Perin,” and Perin went, “No, Perinne,” and Mademoiselle Klein went, “No, you mean Perin because Perin is the masculine for Perin and you’re a boy. Perinne is feminine,” and Perin went, “I know Perinne is feminine. I’M A GIRL.”

PERIN IS A GIRL???? OH, MY GOD!!!!! Poor Perin! How embarrassing! I mean, that Mademoiselle Klein thought he was a he. I mean, that she was a he. Well, you know what I mean. What did she do? Mademoiselle Klein, I mean?

Well, she apologized, of course. What else COULD she do? Poor Perin turned BRIGHT RED. I felt so sorry for her!

That’s okay, Shameeka. We’ll ask him—I mean her—to sit with us at lunch today. I saw her sitting by herself all last week, over by the guy who hates it when they put corn in the chili. I really think she needs us.

Oh! That’s such a good idea! You’re so good at things like that. Knowing how to make people feel better. It’s kind of like—

What?

Well, I was going to say it’s kind of like you’re a princess, or something. But you ARE a princess! So, of course, you’re good at that kind of thing. It’s kind of like your job.

Yeah. It kind of is, isn’t it?

Monday, September 14, Principal Gupta’s office

You know what? I don’t even care. I don’t even care that I’m sitting here in the principal’s office.