Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Tina: My parents wouldn’t let me see this movie. It was rated R.
Mia: I didn’t WANT to see this movie. It has old people in it. But she’s Drew, so…
1 out of 5 gold Drews
Riding in Cars with Boys
Tina: Did you see this movie?
Mia: No. I never heard of it.
Tina: But it was probably good.
Mia: If Drew was in it, of course.
1 out of 5 gold Drews
Never Been Kissed
Tina: SO AWESOME!!! DREW IS SO CUTE IN THIS!!!
Mia: I know! She’s a reporter AND a high school student!!! She should have to play a high school student in EVERY MOVIE SHE’S IN.
5 out of 5 gold Drews
Home Fries
Tina: I don’t remember this movie except that she had curly hair.
Mia: Wasn’t she pregnant or something? Tina: So the curls definitely weren’t a perm. Because that could hurt the baby.
Mia: The curls were cute, so let’s give it a high score.
4 out of 5 gold Drews
Donnie Darko
Tina: Wait—Drew was in this movie?
Mia: I totally don’t remember her. All I remember was Jake.
Tina: I know. He was so hot in this.
Mia: Let’s give it a high score for Jake.
Tina: Totally. And my parents won’t let me see Brokeback or Jarhead.
5 out of 5 gold Drews
Ever After
Tina: Best movie ever.
Mia: Agreed. When she carries the prince—
Tina: Shut up!!! I LOVE THAT PART!!!!
Mia: Just—
Tina:—breathe! EEEEE!
5,000,000 out of 5 gold Drews
The Wedding Singer
Tina: Drew looks so cute in her waitress outfit.
Mia: I know! And when he sings that bad song—Tina:—
she’s still nice to him.
5 out of 5 gold Drews
Bad Girls
Tina: This movie is so bad it’s kind of good.
Mia: I know. But I think when Drew is captured and they tie her to the bed and she’s facedown—
Tina: It’s called Turkish style.
Mia: Whoever says romance novels aren’t educational is a liar.
4 out of 5 gold Drews
The Amy Fisher Story
Tina: The made-for-TV movie! And Drew plays a homicidal Long Island teen!
Mia: Brilliantly, I might add.
5 out of 5 gold Drews
Irreconcilable Differences
Tina: A very young Drew in a very cute role!
Mia: Love it. Love her.
4 out of 5 gold Drews
Firestarter
Tina: I know you love this movie, so I’m not going to say anything.
Mia: Shut up! How can you not like it? She’s so good!
Tina: She’s extraordinary for her age. It’s just…the story is so silly!
Mia: People can totally start fires with their minds if they’re emotional enough. Look what you keep saying about J.P.
Tina: True.
4 out of 5 gold Drews
E.T.
Tina: She’s so cute in this!
Mia: And such a good actress. It’s like she’s ad-libbing her lines, they come so naturally.
Tina: Face it. Drew’s a genius. I wish she’d get her own talk show.
Mia: I wish she’d run for president.
Tina: President Barrymore! YEAH!!!!
5 out of 5 gold Drews
We are taking a break now between The Wedding Singer and Ever After while Tina makes popcorn. During the boring non-Drew parts of The Wedding Singer Tina asked me if I’d heard anything from Michael, so I told her about his e-mail, and she was rightfully indignant on my behalf. I mean, that Michael would try to pretend like we were just friends and tell me about his egg-sandwich-finding hardships and not tell me instead how much he misses me or how much he wishes we could get back together.
But then I pointed out to Tina that I’d agreed to just be friends. Also that the whole thing was my fault in the first place for blowing up over the Judith Gershner Affair, instead of playing it cool, the way Drew would have.
Which Tina was forced to concede was true. She also agreed that it was good I hadn’t written back.
“Because you don’t want to seem like you’re sitting around at home with nothing better to do than answer e-mails from your ex-boyfriends,” she said.
Even if that’s actually true.
Although it’s not really. I feel kind of guilty not telling Tina about how I spent my day—you know, with Lana and Trisha. I don’t know why. I mean, Grandmère has pointed out a million times that it’s totally rude to tell someone about an outing on which you went but to which they were not themselves invited. So there’s no reason I SHOULD tell Tina about Lana and Trisha.
Still. It was LANA.
I—
What’s THAT? I think I just heard Tina’s doorman buzz up that there’s someone in the lobby—
Sunday, September 19, 2 a.m., Tina Hakim Baba’s bedroom
Oh. My. God.
So Tina was just finishing pouring melted butter over the low-fat microwave popcorn to make it actually taste like something when the doorman announced that Boris and “a friend” were down in the lobby.
Tina flipped out, of course, because she’s not supposed to have boys over when her parents aren’t home.
But Boris got on the intercom and said he was only dropping something off, a present for us. So, of course, Tina couldn’t resist letting them come up. Because, as she put it, “Present!!!!!”
But if you ask me the present was just an excuse so that Boris could come up and make out with Tina. Because all “the present” was was a couple of containers of Häagen-Dazs. (To be honest, they were our favorite flavors, vanilla Swiss almond and macadamia brittle. But still.)