Providence

“Me, too,” I sighed.



Once in my room, I dialed Jared’s number. The tone repeated over and over in my ear and I was caught off-guard when the voicemail prompt beeped in my ear.



“H-hey, Jared,” I stuttered. I had ful y expected him to answer. “It’s Nina. I’m back from the hospital and just thought I’d give you a cal . Talk to you soon.”



After two hours, I became suspicious when I hadn’t heard from him. He had been so anxious about the outcome of my mother’s visit that I couldn’t imagine why he’d wait so long to return my cal . It didn’t help when I realized he had probably heard my message in real-time the second I’d left it.



Just as I had lost the fight to keep from cal ing him a second time, there was a knock at the door.



“Happy Saturday, ladies,” Kim said, bursting in.



“Hey Kim,” I said, disappointed.



“Wel . I love you, too.”



“She was expecting Jared,” Beth explained.



“I heard the date went wel .” Kim raised her eyebrows repeatedly.



“I fel asleep. He slept on the couch.”



Kim wrinkled her nose. “Bummer.” She immediately turned her attention to Beth. “What are we doing tonight?”



“Oh…Chad is taking me out. Sorry,” Beth said, not sounding the least bit sorry.



Kim smiled. “Oh wel , maybe you can have a more interesting time than Naughty Nina over there.”



I stiffened, knowing that Jared or Claire could hear everything. I felt the blush span from col ar bone to crown.



“Whoa! Just kidding, Nigh!” Kim said, mistaking my embarrassment for anger.



Kim forced me to rehash the entire evening. It was difficult for me to explain the length of time that I’d spent there and leave out everything that Jared had told me. I kept checking my phone, even though I knew no one had cal ed.



Beth discussed the juicy details of our earlier visit to the hospital, which seemed to intrigue Kim.



“What do you expect? He’s crazy about her,” Kim said. “I know you real y like Jared, Nigh, but Ryan’s a good guy, too.”



“I know,” I said, looking at my phone again.



“Who are you expecting to cal ? You’ve been checking your phone like a crack addict waiting on her dealer,” Kim chided.



“Kim!” I wailed, my face burning again.



“What is with you, today? I thought you slept last night,” Kim asked, confused.



“I did. I just wish you would keep your mouth shut!”



“Nigh, we’re in your room. Who’s going to hear?” Kim looked at Beth like I’d gone insane.



“No one,” I said. “You just…nothing. I have to go.” I grabbed my coat, shoved my phone in my purse and headed out the door. I wished that Jared had forgone the microphone part of the truth. I didn’t feel comfortable having a normal conversation in my room.



By Monday, I stil hadn’t heard from Jared. It was heartbreaking that he was somewhere close, yet he refused to speak to me. Even after everything Jared had said, my thoughts continued to return to one horrible prospect: that for some reason after he’d dropped me off, he realized how unworthy I was of the adoration he’d felt for so long.



The week dragged on and I found the only place I felt somewhat normal was at the hospital. I escaped campus day after day, feeling I could final y breathe the moment I sat at Ryan’s bedside. We were nearly caught up on al of his homework by the time he final y broached the subject.



“Are you going to tel me what’s been going on with you or not?”



“What are you talking about?” I asked with a contrived smile.



“Nina. This is me you’re talking to.”



I felt my eyes gloss over and I buried my head into Ryan’s blanket.



“Nina? What’s wrong?” he asked, awkwardly patting my head. When I couldn’t speak, Ryan pul ed my hair away from my face. “Are you okay?”



I shook my head and peeked up at him. “No. No, I’m not okay.”



“Did something happen?” Ryan’s face looked as desperate as I felt.



“No. Nothing happened. You don’t want to hear about it.” I sat up and wiped the moisture from my face.



“Is it about Jared?” he guessed. I nodded and his face twisted into rage. “Did he hurt you?”



“No!” I shook my head, wiping away more tears. “No, he didn’t do anything to me. He doesn’t…,” I sighed, “it’s embarrassing.”



“Just tel me.”



“He doesn’t…want me,” I said, my face crumbling around my words.



Ryan’s expression made it seem as if the sentence I’d put together didn’t compute; as if he couldn’t imagine that being possible. “I’m sure there’s just been some misunderstanding. What makes you think that?”



I was disgusted at myself for making Ryan feel he needed to reassure me about Jared. I was a terrible person.



“Nina. Tel me.” He spoke in the tone I provoked in people when they’d had their fil of dragging information out of me.



“I just thought we…I thought he….” I couldn’t say half of what I wanted. Certainly not enough to keep me from sounding like a spoiled child.



Ryan laughed once and I looked up at him. “He’s an idiot, Nina.”



“No, he’s not,” I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.



“If he took you out, spent an entire night with you and can’t see how incredible you are—he doesn’t deserve for you to be waiting for his cal . You’re so much better than that. Anyone that makes you feel any less is a fool.”



“Thank you, but it’s real y more complicated than that.”



Ryan’s face grew serious. “No. No, it’s not. If he doesn’t realize what he has right in front of him, than to hel with him. And I’m not just saying that because I was hoping for something like this.”



I shot a glare at him and he winked at me. I smiled and sighed, letting my frustration escape with my breath. He leaned over to issue a comforting kiss to the top of my head.



“Why are you so good to me?” I asked as he handed me a handful of tissues from his bedside table.



“Because you’re worth it.” He looked at me as if I should know that already, and I couldn’t help but smile.



“I think that’s been trademarked by L’Oreal,” I said.



“Oh, I meant ‘Maybe she’s born with it’.”



“Maybe it’s Maybel ine?” I quipped.



He pointed at me. “You’re good.”



“I take a licking and keep on ticking,” I smiled, resting my head against my hand.



He shrugged. “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”



I giggled again and wiped the residual wetness from my eyes. “You can’t top the coppertop.”



Ryan sat for a moment, looking stumped, and then an impish grin appeared on his face. “I have good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.”



My eyes narrowed. “Are you in good hands?”



Ryan intertwined his fingers in mine. “Easy, breezy, beautiful, Covergirl.”



I bit my lip, not wanting to stop our game. It was such a wonderful distraction.



“Just Do It,” he nudged my arm.



“Leggo my Eggo,” I countered, playful y pul ing my arm back.



He flexed him arm. “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.”



I pointed to his arm and shook my head. “Tastes great, less fil ing.” I sat up and waited for his riposte.



“WASSSSSUP?” he leaned over into my face and I burst out into a roaring laughter. He bel owed out his own and we covered our mouths to keep the nurses from rushing in to quiet us down.



“Thank you. I needed that,” I breathed, holding my stomach.



“You most certainly did,” Ryan agreed.



The next morning, I woke up to the ring of my cel phone. I scrambled to my night stand, ripped the charger cord from its port and jerked it to my ear.



“Hel o?” I cringed, waiting for the person at the other end of the line to mention the near maniacal tone in my voice.



“Hey Nigh, it’s Ryan. You left your Anatomy book here yesterday. I just wanted to let you know before you got to class.”



“Oh. Oh! Thanks. I don’t think I’l need it today, we’re preparing for a lab.” I rubbed my eyes, wondering when I had final y fal en asleep. It didn’t feel like I’d slept at al .



“Did I wake you?”



“Yeah, but that’s okay.” I looked at the clock. “The alarm goes off in ten minutes, anyway.”



“The nurse said that they may release me today or tomorrow,” he said.



“Excel ent! Let me know when and I’l ral y the troops to spring you.”



“Wil do,” he chirped, sounding extremely enthusiastic for the early hour.



Classes dragged, and I had to force myself to finish out the day. By the time I got to my room, exhaustion had set in, and I decided to cook something quick and then take a nap.



Finishing the mounds of homework scattered on my bed was impossible. I couldn’t concentrate knowing that every time I turned a page, every time my spoon scraped the bowl, every time I sighed, Jared was listening.



When that thought crossed my mind, anger pulsed through me. He had told me secrets—which he expected me to keep—he told me that he loved me, made promises, and then he just...left.



“Who does that?” I asked aloud. I shook my head, thinking of the show he’d put on when dropping me off at Andrews. He seemed so terrified of losing me, of my mother talking me into staying away from him. In the end, it was Jared that was evading me.



I dwel ed on that for a moment and wondered what had changed from the time he dropped me off until after I’d returned from the hospital. I had only focused on what I could have done wrong; I hadn’t stopped to think about other possible reasons for Jared to avoid me like the plague. Like my mother.



My hand flew to my mouth as the revelation sunk in. She had spoken to him. She had told him to stay away from me, and he had listened to her.



Grabbing my coat and keys, I shot out the door as if my room were on fire. I ran to my car and violated every traffic law between Brown University and my parents’ home. Once I pul ed into the drive my courage had somewhat waivered, but I had to know why Jared had changed his mind. I had to know it wasn’t that I didn’t live up to his expectations.



I burst into the door, cal ing for my mother. After the third time that I yel ed her name, she came hurrying down the staircase.



“Nina? What are you carrying on about?” She held onto the banister with one hand and clipped on an earring with another.



“What did you say to him?” I demanded.



“What did I say to whom?” A disgusted look immediately clouded her face.



“Mother, stop it!” I yel ed.



Cynthia raised an eyebrow and spoke slowly. “You wil watch your tone while in my house, young lady.”



I shook my head and took another step toward her. “What did you say to Jared?”



Cynthia deliberated for a moment. “I told him what he needed to hear, Nina. Of course you wouldn’t listen, so I had no choice.”



“Why? Why would you deliberately try to hurt me?”



Cynthia was stunned by my assumption. “Nina, I’m simply trying to save you from yourself. If you won’t have the sense to…wel , I’m glad that he did.”



“Mother, I’m begging you…don’t do this. I have been….” I couldn’t finish. I sat on the bottom step and covered my face with my hands.



Cynthia descended the remaining steps and sat next to me. “I know you think you understand, Darling, but you don’t. Whatever you think you know… you couldn’t truly grasp what it was that you were choosing. I’m glad that Jared loves you enough to let you go.”



I glared at her. “Do you even hear yourself? He loves me, Mom. He loves me and you….” I shook my head and walked to the door. “Do you even care how I feel?” I asked, standing with my back to her.



She didn’t answer.



I returned to my car, choking back a frustrated cry. There was only one way I could talk to him, now.



Chapter Eight



Purgatory



I searched under the desks, running my fingers along each of the twisted wires underneath. Jared would listen to me whether he liked it or not, and in my determination, I left nothing to chance. I meticulously inspected the edges of the mirror, the back of the microwave, the mini-fridge, under both beds and under the dorm’s standard-issue cord phone.



An hour had passed, and I found nothing. Jared was a professional. Of course I wouldn’t find the mic he’d planted. I tried to recal any spy movies I’d watched when revelation hit. My eyes slowly fol owed the wal up to the ceiling, and focused on a rectangular vent in the center.



I rol ed Beth’s desk chair directly underneath. There were two screws, and I had no tools. I rushed to the residential advisor’s room and tried to catch my breath while rapping on the door. She opened it with a bored look on her face.



“Yeah?”



“Hey, Dara. Listen, I’m having some trouble with the vent in my room….”



“I’l cal maintenance in the morning,” she deadpanned, closing the door.



I pushed it open. “I was wondering if you had a screwdriver. One of those cross-ones that I could use?”



“A Phil ips?” she asked, bored with the conversation.



My eyes lit up. “Yes! Do you have one?”



“What size do you need?” she asked, turning her back to me.



“I…don’t know.” I peered up at her vent, and she did the same.



“You need a smal one, here.” She handed me a tiny screwdriver, and I thanked her before rushing back to my room.

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