Quintessentially Q

I sat straighter, dragging a hand over my face, trying to dispel the headache’s grip on me. My clothes were crusty from sweat; I felt ancient. “Is she okay?” My voice was a growl. I cleared my throat.

Suzette bit her lip before answering, “She’ll be fine. She just needs time.”

I tensed at her tone. She lied. “Qu’est ce qu’il y a, Suzette?” What is it?

Her eyes darted away before she inched closer. “She asked me if you’d let her use a laptop and internet.”

I exploded upright. “Does she still think I won’t let her talk to the outside world! She isn’t my f**king prisoner. Of course she can have a laptop.” I stalked toward my desk and grabbed the spare I always kept there.

If Tess showed an interest in something, perhaps she would find her way back. I couldn’t crush the hope building in me—even though I knew it would probably end up hurting me more.

“Here.” I shoved it toward Suzette.

She took it, but didn’t move. Finally, she glanced up and my heart swooped to my feet. “What else?”

“It’s not my place, but I don’t think you should let her have it.” She tried to give the laptop back, but I moved away. “I don’t think it’s going to help her recovery.”

“What do you mean it won’t help? I’ll do anything if it means she’ll find herself again.” I shivered, remembering the cold blankness in her eyes. “If it’s what she wants, give her the laptop, Suzette.”

She bit her lip. “I’d like to give you hope. Say that the same thing happened to me and that time will heal, but… in this instance, I’m not so sure. I think something drastic needs to be done, before you lose her.”

Suzette and I had always had a close bond. She got away with talking to me about things I shouldn’t discuss, but as much as I wanted to problem solve Tess, to talk about what the f**k I lived with, I couldn’t.

I wouldn’t discuss my feelings for Tess, or the desperation I felt.

With a small sigh, Suzette left, taking the laptop with her. The moment she’d gone, I panicked. What if she was right? What if I did the wrong thing by letting Tess have access to the outside world?

You have no f**king choice, she isn’t your slave.

Not for the first time, I wished she truly was. Then none of this would’ve happened as she would never have left my house. I could beat the shit out of her for being so distant. I could teach her to come back to me—her owner. She wouldn’t have a choice.

But she wasn’t my slave.

She was the one who stole my heart, and I doubted I’d ever get it back.

*****

The migraine decided not to kill me when I called it quits a few hours later. I tried to work. To add some input on upcoming mergers with Frederick via the phone, but all I could think about was Tess upstairs in my bed on the internet, talking to who the f**k knows.

I wasn’t a jealous ass**le, but I was petrified she’d block me out even more. I had no power over her and I wasn’t used to such a weakness.

The house rested in silence as I crept up the stairs. I didn’t know what the time was; everyone had gone to bed.

When I arrived outside the door to my room, I suffered a horrible pang of loss. I may have Tess back but her heart had gone. I’d lost the woman I wanted to fight and whip and love for the rest of my days, and I didn’t know how to act around the broken stranger in my bed.

I’d yelled at her before. Did she care? I wanted her to scream at me—to have a fight with her—anything to draw emotion from her dead soul.

My hand rested on the doorknob and I took forever to turn and enter.

Stop being a coward.

Stop my heart from hurting.

Go kill something, then you’ll feel better.

Shadows swallowed the room as I opened the door and tiptoed across the carpet. Like a f**king spineless coward, I waited until Tess drifted off to sleep before returning.

I lurked in the darkness, not turning on any lights. She slept with her mouth slightly parted and hair tangled on the pillow. The matted curls were now nice and clean. Her body smelling faintly of my orange soap from the shower.

She no longer looked like a mental patient who needed serious drugs to cope. She looked so innocent. Yet beneath that porcelain skin and golden hair lurked a demoness, a temptress who I wanted so badly to see alive again. Did she still exist in this shell of a girl?

Could I draw the real Tess free? Show her what she was giving up by shutting me out?

At least watching her while she slept, I could pretend she still belonged to me.

The fiery passion she used to possess was gone. It cut me to my black soul and beyond into forever.

My hands clenched, wishing I hadn’t buried the ringleader’s nasty heart under one of the rosebushes outside. I wanted to tear it from his chest all over again. It was the only piece of him I kept. If Tess ever asked for it, I would be prepared to give it to her.

Maybe it would bring back her fight—the passion I needed to see.

It was late. I’d had a hell of time the last few weeks, and all I wanted to do was topple into bed beside Tess. But the mental strain compounding my headache guaranteed I wouldn’t sleep.

My hands went to my belt, automatically undressing for bed. The leather was warm in my hands and I fondled it like I would an old friend. This was the same belt that welcomed Tess back into my world. Maybe it could do it all over again.

I froze. The animal inside rose its head, contemplating this sudden development.

If I woke Tess up with the bite of pain I doubted my esclave would welcome me. The broken girl who didn’t know me might crumble even worse. I would be detrimental to her healing.

There’s nothing worse than the emptiness she lives in already.

Maybe it was time for me to sleep elsewhere. To remove myself, just like she’d asked. But if I did that, I’d never get her back. I didn’t want to admit defeat.

I’ve never been so confused.

Sighing heavily, I let go of the belt, removing the feel of tempting leather in my grip. Images of Tess in the gaming room spread over the countertop roared to mind. The sound of her skin being slapped by my belt echoed in my ears. I swallowed hard, watching the silhouette of the woman who made me live in constant agony—a tripwire of desire and repulsion.

Then the urge for that sort of kink flew away, leaving me cold and hating myself for being such a f**ked-up ass**le.

Tess was no longer strong enough for that sort of shit, and it shut me down until every last need filtered away.

I forced myself to look at her—really look at her, and I didn’t like what I saw. The weight loss, the sense of sadness shadowing her even in sleep. Every inch of me wanted to climb beside her and hold her. To curl around her, offer the protection of my body, but I stood stiff instead.

My hands didn’t unclench as I fought so many urges, not all of them making sense. I’d never been so vulnerable. So tamed. I hated the lack of control over the last weeks. I hated the fact that this delicate woman had a power over me like no other. She could break me in half if I failed to keep her alive. She’d already broken me into pieces by being so remote.

The beast inside, the one who craved her blood and screams, breathed heavy with perplexity. It still wanted to tear into her, to claim her and make her cry, but at the same time it wanted to run far away whimpering and forget she ever existed.

I want to hurt you, Tess, but now the very idea of hearing you scream makes me sick to my f**king stomach.

Q, you’re changing. You never cared about repercussions before. Only the chase, the hunt, the pleasure.

Was this what love was? This soppy weakness? This mind-altering reality that left me lost and confounded?

If it was, I hated it.

I missed my straightforward, if not constantly battling life. I missed the coldheartedness I’d built like an impenetrable fort. I missed simplicity.

Tess groaned in her sleep, twitching violently away from some nightmare.

My heart raced as her eyes flared wide, only to close again instantly. “No, please, Q. You don’t hate me. You don’t.”

My knees wobbled, threatening to send me to the floor. She thought I hated her? There was nothing further from the truth. Her body trembled, then she turned to the side, curling into a little ball.

The closed laptop on her legs shifted and I caught it before it slid off the bed.

The snowy bandage on her neck helped soothe me. At least the tracker that led to this entire mess was destroyed and out of her body. Those bastards would never hurt anyone again, but others would try.

Franco had been given exclusive rights to keep tabs on the traffickers who’d heard of me slaughtering Red Wolverine. The death threats were piling up and soon I’d have more blood on my hands.

Feeling like a creepy bastard watching her in the dark, I took the laptop and went to sit in the chair by the window. No moonlight graced the room, which was fine by me. I didn’t deserve moonlight with what I was about to do.

Throwing a careful look at Tess, I opened the lid and waited for the laptop to boot. Immediately I went to history, and my heart seized when her email account opened.

Are you f**king sure you want to do this?