Quintessentially Q

The conservatory welcomed me into its warm embrace and I breathed a small sigh. At least here no one would find me. I could hide amongst the luscious plants and fly away on wings like a sparrow.

A noise up ahead startled me; I moved forward as quietly as I could. My breathing stayed shallow and slightly wheezy, but my body moved supplely enough to let me duck around small palm trees and ferns.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one seeking sanctuary inside this overgrown space.

Q stood by the huge aviary. His hands braced above his head, fingers threaded through the mesh. His head bowed and his entire body looked defeated. His black jeans and grey T-shirt were crumpled; his longer hair desperately needed a brush.

He didn’t notice me as he stood there, staring with vacant eyes at the birds flittering in their cage.

I forced myself to poke at the tender memories inside. Please let me be strong enough. I wanted so much to stop his pain. Stop this growing deletion of my feelings.

But nothing happened. All the guilt and fear that would kill me if I let myself remember, stayed locked out of reach. So, I stood there, empty, watching the man I’d broken, unable to do anything about it.

Twenty minutes passed all too quickly. My body grew tired. I wasn’t ready to stand for long periods. Song lyrics played in the background, but I paid no attention.

“She’s flying free,” Q whispered, freezing me. He raised his head to look at a sparrow that landed on the mesh by his hand. “She’s leaving soon and I don’t think I’ll survive it.”

The bird twittered and preened before taking wing again.

I waited paralysed, wanting to announce I was there to save overhearing his anguish. But like a lurker, I didn’t move.

“Fuck,” he swore, rattling the mesh. The birds squawked, flapping to the other end of the cage.

Leave, Tess. Before he sees you. I didn’t want to embarrass him.

Q moved suddenly, pushing off from the cage and striding toward the entrance of the aviary. He unlocked the deadbolt and entered the space. Birds chirped louder as Q stood in the centre of their world. He looked like a man robbed of his own wings. A fallen angel that had no place on earth and fought a daily battle to fit in.

I stepped forward. Should I say something? Comfort him? My heart twisted, needing to be there for him, but no longer able to. No matter how many kind words I spoke, Q would see I no longer lived inside.

My soul jangled with chains and locks, saving me but also ruining me. The longer I lived in my tower the more passion and connection faded.

I hated the numbing virus inside, spreading slowly, deleting all memory of who Tess had been. I was replaced with a carbon replica who would float away in the wind, robbed of her convictions and thoughts. All because I wasn’t strong enough to face what I’d done.

Q cursed under his breath, his chest pumping with emotion. “Why should I keep you when you don’t want to be here? You’re not here for me. You’re here because I lock you up. You’re my prisoners, my captives, my trophies.”

He hung his head before waving his arms. “Allez vous-en. Je ne veux plus de vous. Elle ne veut plus de plus alors ça sert à quoi, putain? ” Fly away. I no longer want you. She no longer wants me, so what's the f**king point?

The birds went crazy, darting left and right, spying freedom through the open door. They exploded through the exit and into the conservatory, weaving through plants and water features.

Wings rustled as I ducked from a small flock of robins.

“Get out!” Q yelled; the birds flurried harder. “Get far away from me.”

I stepped backward, not wanting to see Q breakdown. I wanted it to hurt—to kill me with knowledge that I’d ripped out his heart—but all I felt was emptiness.

Q looked up and froze.

His eyes locked on mine, shining with rage and blackness. I prayed for some awakening, so I could put both of us out of our misery. I wanted to bring forth all my love for him and keep hiding from my guilt. I wanted to erase the darkness, the lostness and hate from his eyes, but I was useless.

Bowing my head, I dropped my gaze.

Q cursed, exiting the aviary, humming with anger and rage. He stalked toward me, stopping so close his body heat seared my skin.

I flinched, expecting him to lash out—to grab my hair, slap me—something to wake me up.

When he didn’t touch me, I looked up. Q murmured, “So low you must think of me.” He captured a curl, running it gently through his fingertips. “Fly away, esclave, if that is what you want. I won’t stop you.” His tone was bleak and derelict.

He turned away, heading toward the huge bifold doors at the end of the conservatory. With a powerful sweep of his arms, he wrenched the doors to the outside world. Instantly, birds took flight, soaring high into the open skies.

Q sighed heavily, his shoulders tight and bunched as his beloved winged creatures left without so much as a backward glance.

When the last little bluejay had flown free, he turned and stared. The lines around his eyes highlighted tiredness and grief.

I swallowed. “Q…I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head as if unable to believe this was the end. “I tried, Tess. I really did. I did everything you asked of me. I did everything a man in love would do for his woman. But you don’t want me and my beast no longer wants to hurt you. Whatever we had…it’s lost.”

I sucked in a breath as he came closer.

“Do you deny it? Will you prove to me here and now that I’m making a big f**king mistake? That you just need more time?” He slammed his hand into a palm tree, causing the fronds to tremble and shiver. “Tell me what you need! I’ve begged you to talk to me. What are you keeping secret?”

He snorted. “I’ll tell you what you’re keeping secret. The fact that you’re emailing your f**king ex-lover instead of confiding in me!” He looked to the ceiling, rippling with anger. “Why, esclave? Why can’t you cry and let it out? Why can’t you let me heal you? Why do you have to shut me out and run away? Fucking why?”

So many questions and I had no answers. Q stood, fuming with temper. I offered the simplest response. The answer that made no sense, but it was all I could deliver. “They took my mind. There’s nothing else to say.”

I deserved to die under the weight of all my guilt. I killed. I tortured. I knew by locking everything deep inside it would fester like a cancer, killing me slowly. But I couldn’t free myself. It wasn’t possible.

“You would kill me if told you,” I whispered.

Q tensed, eyes trying to crack me open, to read my secrets. “I would never kill you. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”

Not my fault! Of course, it was my fault. I killed his precious birds. I exterminated a human life.

My skin crawled, a reminder that my tower could only protect me so far. I needed to leave before he bulldozed through my barriers.

“You have to let me go, Q. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He laughed, but it was laced with blackness. “You don’t want to hurt me?” He moved closer, raising his palm.

Our eyes never left each other and I stood unmoving, unfeeling, waiting for him to strike.

He trembled, his hand opening and closing with rage. “How much I want to f**king hurt you, Tess. If I thought it would bring you back, I’d tie you up and not finish hitting you until you broke into tiny pieces so I could glue you back together.”

The air thickened with violence and I struggled to hold onto my emptiness. Leather Jacket probed my mind, trying to find a way into my tower. A sprinkling of sweat dotted my skin as I struggled.

Q suddenly sighed, dropping his hand. He looked away, his temper dimming to surrender. “Je ne vais pas te faire de mal parce je ne veux pas te détruire.” I won’t hurt you, as I don’t want to destroy you. Cupping my cheek, he ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “I can’t stop you leaving, but I won’t stay to see you go.” His touch disappeared as he stepped back. “I don’t want to see you again. Goodbye, esclave.”

He brushed past without another word.

Chapter 19

You’re my esclave, my soul mate, each other we own, you’re mine forever, my bird flew home…

I’d torn one man’s heart out, and now I wanted to tear out my own. My fingers ached to pry open my ribcage and wrench it from beating to dead. I no longer wanted to live with this f**king agony every time I thought about Tess.

She’d successfully hurt me more than any other person in the world. She brought me to my f**king knees and I told the truth when I said I didn’t want to see her again.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t look her in the eye again. Suzette told me what happened yesterday. How Tess told her ex she was leaving without having the decency to tell me first.

The moment Suzette told me Tess was going, I lost it. I f**king forgot I was human and ripped the kitchen apart. I hurled the ten thousand euro coffee maker through the pantry door, shredded packets of food, and tore the tap from the bench-top.

Only when I’d expended my angst-riddled energy did Suzette move closer and do something I would never have allowed before.