Revived

“The postman? What the hell are you talking about?” I exclaim, puzzled.

“I’m talking about you playing it safe with Dr. Dull. I get it, Indy. I do. You were burned badly, but it was a long time ago. And I want you to be happy. You’re not happy with dating dull fucks like Dan.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m happy as I am.”

“You’re safe and comfortable.”

“And what’s wrong with safe and comfortable?” I frown.

“It’s boring.”

“Yeah, well, look what happened to me the last time I chased excitement.”

“I know.” He blows out a breath, like he’s breathing out the past. “But that was thirteen years ago. You’re a different person now. And you can do way better than Dr. Dull, Indy. You deserve better.”

I don’t know why, but a flash of Leandro Silva’s face passes through my mind.

Brushing it aside, I stare at my brother. My heart swells for him even though he’s irritating me with his interference in my love life, but I know he does it because he cares about me.

“I know you’re only looking out for me. But what I have with Dan works—”

“What you have is boredom.” He grins, back to playful.

I give him the middle finger again.

“Anyway, what about you?” I lean forward, wrapping my hands around my glass.

He’s fine with commenting on the men I date, but at least I date. What he does barely constitutes as dating.

He’s never had a steady girlfriend. Sometimes, a part of me worries that’s because of Jett and me.

“What about me?” He tips his bottle back, taking a drink.

“Why haven’t you settled down?”

“Have you seen me? There’s too much good here not to share it.”

My brother is a good-looking bastard, and he knows it. But he’s also a great person with an amazing heart, and I just wish he’d share that with someone.

“I think you should try dating just one girl. Try it out. See how you get on. What about that model you went out with last week? Tanya? She seemed nice.”

“She was nice. And we didn’t go out, Indy. We went to her place. We got naked. I stayed for three hours. I came. Came again. Then, I came home.”

“Ugh, Kit! Jesus Christ! Way too much info for me, thanks.” I know he’s done it as deflection, so I won’t keep pushing.

Chuckling, he puts his bottle down on the table. “So, will Dr. Dull be joining us this weekend to celebrate Jett getting on the team?”

“No. I’m not ready for Jett to meet him yet.”

Kit raises a knowing eyebrow.

“Soon.” Maybe. I’m just not really sure if Dan is the guy I’ll be introducing Jett too. “But I want it to just the three of us, a family celebration.”

“Family night. Sounds good to me.” Leaning over the table, he clinks his bottle on my glass.

I AWAKE WITH A START. The sound of crushing metal resounding in my ears, heat on my body from the flames, smoke clogging my lungs.

Panic crashes into me.

Rapid blinks bring my eyes to the white ceiling before moving them down the walls.

I’m in a bed.

Eyes casting around the room, I see I’m in what looks like a hotel room.

As I drag my hands over my face, a sturdy pounding takes over my head, and the taste of last night’s alcohol is apparent on my sandpaper tongue.

This is not an unusual start to the day for me.

My life.

My craptastic life.

Rolling over, I see the littering of condom wrappers on the bedside table, which tells of a good night.

Yet I don’t feel good.

After seeing the hot doctor yesterday, I couldn’t get the thought of fucking her out of my mind. I was restless and horny. Instead of going home after my appointment, I went to a bar. Clearly, I got wasted and hooked up with whoever is lying next to me.

I stealthily climb out of bed, so not to wake the body next to me. I pull on my clothes, slip my feet into my shoes, retrieve my wallet, keys, and phone from the desk, and shove them in my pocket.

Then, I quietly leave the room.

Shitty thing to do? Yes.

But I’m not exactly a stand-up guy nowadays, and I’m just not in the mood for the morning-after conversation that would no doubt ensue.

I take the elevator down and make my way over to the reception desk.

Paying for the room, I leave the hotel for the morning air and hail a taxi.

It doesn’t take long to get home. I pay the driver and let myself in my house.

The silence echoes through me.

I pick up the mail from the mat and dump it on the hallway table without looking at it. I walk to the kitchen and see the house phone blinking a few messages at me.

Probably my mother. She’s been calling regularly since I moved back to London, and she’ll want to know how my first session with Dr. Harris went.

What do I say? Well, I wanted to fuck the doctor, but of course, I couldn’t, so I instead went out, got wasted, and fucked a random woman.

Not what my mother would want to hear.

She had wanted me to stay in Brazil. But I couldn’t. I felt too smothered there with my family fussing around me, wanting to help.

I thought that coming back here would fix things…fix me.

It hasn’t.

Needing to wash the night off of me, I head upstairs and take a shower. I let the hot spray beat on my face to the point of pain, just needing to feel something…anything.

Toweling off, I brush my teeth, staring at myself in the mirror.

The beard covering my face hides who I am…who I used to be.

Flashes of last night flicker through my mind.

The alcohol flowing. The girl all but riding my cock in the bar. Then, riding it for real in the hotel room.

The thoughts should make me feel good.

They don’t.

They make me feel empty.

Going into my bedroom, I get some black jogging pants and a plain black T-shirt.

Slipping my cell in my pocket, I head downstairs. In the silence, I go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee machine.

Stepping away from the counter, I bend at the waist and rest my folded arms on the counter, and lay my head on them, letting the noise of the coffee machine abuse my head and rattle through the emptiness in my hollow chest.

My senses breathing in the smell of coffee, I grab a cup and pour some out.

Strong and black.

Turning, I press my back against the counter and stare at a picture on the wall.

It’s a signed picture of Ayrton Senna that my father got for me when I was a child.

I should have died. I would have died a legend.

Not the man I am now.

A washed-up has-been.

I can’t be him anymore. This weak fucking version of myself.

I have to race again.

I have to get back in a car.

I have to do this.

I can do this.

I’ve been driving all my life.

Putting my coffee down, I push my feet into my sneakers and head for the internal door to the garage.

I stall when I reach the door.

I haven’t been in here since before the accident.

My hand starts to shake.

I’m being ridiculous.

Clenching my fist, I force the tension away.

I open the door.

A strong wave of stale air hits me. Breathing through it, I reach for the light switch, turning it on.