Royal Wedding

I’m pretty sure you do unspeakable things to MY older brother on a pretty regular basis.

How many energy drinks have you had today?

Not enough. So all this fuss is over some genetically modified oranges?

Of course not. They also want us to allow bigger cruise ships (3,000 people a day is not enough) and immigration reform.

What immigration? I thought no one gets citizenship in Genovia unless they’re born there (or has a parent who was born there, like you) or marries a Genovian.

Yes, and that’s the way they want to keep it. But we’re offering emergency humanitarian visas to all the Qalifi refugees who’ve been showing up by the boatload since my op-ed piece.

Is that what those signs they’re carrying mean, “Let Them Live with Mia”?

Yes.

Make your own sign and hang it in the window telling them to suck your [REDACTED].

Thank you so kindly for that piece of advice. However, that is neither princessy nor physically possible.

Actually we are working on finding a more diplomatic solution that includes providing the refugees with emergency shelter in local hotels, but all the hotels are full due to the 125th Genovian Yacht Classic.

Oh, of course. How foolish of me not to know that the 125th Genovian Yacht Classic is taking place right now. I’m sure Muffy and Carrington must be very upset about all the riff-raff dirtying up the beaches.

It doesn’t matter since even if there were hotel rooms, no one would take the refugees in, as Cousin Ivan has spread a rumor that they all have tuberculosis and cholera, so border officials are holding them at the Port of Princess Clarisse.

Again, sorry I asked. Can I come over with a sign telling those protesters to suck MY [REDACTED]?

I’m so happy someone like you is pursuing a career in contract law since it’s clear you’re so calm and levelheaded.

Speaking of calm and levelheaded (no), where’s your dad?

Probably the Oak Bar at the Plaza Hotel, where he’s been drowning most of his sorrows while waiting to hear from the judge about when he’s going to be allowed to leave the U.S.

Typical. What are you doing for your birthday tomorrow?

What do you think?

Wait, let me guess: your grandmother is taking you to Cirque du Soleil. AGAIN.

The magic of the circus is what she lives for.

HA HA HA! How many times is this?

She says we have to put “a brave public face on” in light of the protesters and Dad’s arrest, and act like “everything is normal” for the good of Genovia.

Is that why there’s now a van pulling up in front of your building that says “Parrucchiere di Paolo” on the side?

No. Paolo is coming over to give me a blowout so I’ll look good as I bravely face the protesters while greeting our guests tonight. Grandmère’s decided to throw a dinner party here at the consulate.

What if one sneaks in and throws an orange at you?

That is a risk that, as a royal, I’m obligated to take.

Aw, you’re just like that princess from the movie Brave. Only you have zero hand-eye coordination. Why is there no e-vite in my in-box?

Because only Genovian expats who pass a background test (and haven’t thrown any Genovian oranges at Lars) are invited, so they will see how “real” and “caring” we are and hopefully post to social media about it.

If I get invited, I will post to social media about it, and I won’t throw an orange at you OR Lars. I’ll throw myself at him but not an orange.

Seriously, stop. I can only take so much.

Is my brother invited?

Do you think I’d put his beautiful head at risk over something this stupid?

Well, if he’s your future prince consort, he’d better get used to this kind of thing, don’t you think?

There are some things I think even a future prince consort should be spared.

Put like a true royal.

CHAPTER 7

3:10 p.m., Thursday, April 30

Third-Floor Apartment

Consulate General of Genovia

New York City

Not a lot of time to write because Paolo is giving me a blow-dry and it’s rude to write in one’s journal while someone is performing personal grooming services on you (also difficult, especially when that person has applied press-on nails over your bitten-down nails, and the glue/paint on those nails is still drying).

Anyway, Paolo started out the appointment upset because I wouldn’t let him cut off all my hair (quote from Paolo: “It looks better short, it shows offa your long neck”), but I know the truth:

Paolo just wants to do something different that will get my photo onto all the fashion sites, and the best way to do that these days is with a “daring” pixie cut like so many of the twentysomething starlets are doing.

But I’m not an actress in a movie about someone dying of cancer/tuberculosis, so:

I said, “No, thank you, Paolo, I like my hair better long, but if your arms are tired, you can leave the blow-drying to one of your assistants.”

This offended him very much. He sniffed, “No, Principessa! Paolo never get tired,” which is fine with me since now we don’t have to talk anymore (Paolo doesn’t like to shout over the whine of hair driers. Also a relief: that he can’t tell what I’m writing since he’s not so good at reading English. Or any other language that I can tell, except the language of beauty).

But unfortunately he did notice my twitch earlier and said, “Principessa, you look like the pirate, only not the hot one played by Johnny Depp, what is wrong?”