Royal Wedding

“I can see that now,” he said. “I think your dad must have mentioned it to someone—”

“You don’t have to be coy, Michael,” I said. “You’re family now. You can come right out and say it. My dad must have mentioned it to my grandmother, who turned it into an opportunity to drum up some positive press for my dad after his brush with the law.”

Michael sighed. “I guess I should have known better after all these years.”

“Oh, shut up,” I said affectionately. “I wouldn’t change a thing about this past weekend for the world, not even this. But why didn’t you tell me you’d asked them?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It never came up. We were sort of busy doing . . . other things.”

I blushed, even though Michael was speaking to me from another state and no one in the car could hear his end of the conversation. “Er, yes,” I said. “I guess we were.”

“Anyway, sorry about that. I guess I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“In a little bit? What happened to your medical conference in New Jersey?”

His tone was light. “Oh, it’s still happening, but the press found out about my speech and swamped the hotel, and they don’t have enough security to handle the situation, so they’ve politely asked me to reschedule.”

“Oh, Michael,” I cried. “I’m so sorry!”

“It’s all right,” he said. “There’s no way those doctors were going to listen to a talk about the new strides Pavlov Surgical is making in neural prostheses research when they find out the guy who’s giving it just got engaged to the Princess of Genovia anyway.”

He said it lightly, trying to make a joke of the whole thing, but there’s nothing amusing about this to me. It actually made me angrier than ever at Grandmère. She isn’t only selfishly Game of Throning our wedding: she’s hurting Michael’s business, and causing vital medical research information to fail to be disseminated.

“Michael, I’m so sorry. I’m going to get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Mia, it’s fine. None of this is your fault. I guess it’s all part of being a—”

But I didn’t get to find out what it is he thought it was all part of being because his phone died.

Or the Russians had gotten to him, but when I mentioned this out loud, Lars said I’ve been watching too much NCIS and from now on I need to stick to the Lifetime Movie Channel for women.

I’ve just told him to stop being so sexist since men watch that channel, too, and also, tons of people get kidnapped on Lifetime, particularly pregnant women whose babies are later sold on the baby black market, which is a completely real thing. I once attended a charity event to raise money to help fight it. Mariska Hargitay was there, and we both complimented each other’s outfit in the ladies’ room.

CHAPTER 23

3:40 p.m., Monday, May 4

Still in the HELV

Rate the Royals Rating: 1

Managed to reach Mom to tell her about the wedding before she heard it on the news (she only listens to National Public Radio while she paints, so there wasn’t much of a chance of that, as NPR is not known for keeping its listeners aware of all the latest royal gossip).

Mom asked for the details about Michael’s proposal, which I gave her, but briefly. There are some things I’ve found it better not to share with my mom. When discussing my life with her, I try to keep it to the highlights, like the sports reel in a half hour news cycle.

Unfortunately, Mom has never felt the same about me. I was forced to listen as she told me every single facet of Michael’s visit to the loft last week to ask her if our union was something she felt she could support.

“He was very gentlemanly about it,” she said. “He was even wearing a tie. I appreciated that he was respecting my role as your primary caregiver. So of course I told him that I supported your union wholly—”

“Aw.” This warmed my heart. “Thanks, Mom.”

She wasn’t finished.

“—but that to be honest, I didn’t think you’d had enough dating experience, so I thought you two should wait.”

“Mom!” I yelled. “You said that to him?”

“Well, of course I did. You’re twenty-six and you’ve only ever slept with one person. Don’t you think you ought to broaden your horizons?”

“No, Mom, I do not. And I don’t really want to discuss this with you right now.” I eyed Lars and François, who were having an animated discussion in the front seat about how to avoid chafing while wearing a shoulder holster on a hot day. Dropping my voice, I added, “But just to remind you, I have dated other people, even if I didn’t actually have sex with them. So I’m a hundred percent sure I’m with the right person.”

“I thought you kids today were all about the casual hookups,” Mom said. “Friends with benefits, and all of that.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you need to stop watching rom-coms that bill themselves as edgy but still end with the guy running through an airport.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, since I still totally watch them, usually with Tina, who can’t get enough of them, especially if they involve a heroine who works as a sassy surgeon, as most gorgeous size-two ladies who are unlucky in love are wont to do.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mom said, with a sigh. “Kids today are so different from when I was your age.”