Oh, right. Of course.

What do Genovians have to complain about, anyway? Genovia has the lowest unemployment, violence, and poverty rate in the world (zero percent), and also the loveliest median year-round temperature (seventy-five degrees), being situated as it is so idyllically on the Riviera. Genovians pay no personal income tax, and business taxes are among the lowest in the European Union.

Even Genovia’s royal family is self-supported (unlike the UK’s, which is financed by public money). According to Rate the Royals, I have a personal net worth of a hundred million dollars.

HA! Where do these websites get this stuff?

•   Note to self: Well, of course, I probably do have a personal net worth of that much, but only if you count things like medieval-era jewel-encrusted scepters, which you can’t exactly sell on eBay.

So if Cousin Ivan is going to have a chance of beating my dad for prime minister in this next election, he has to do something to make people believe things in Genovia aren’t all that great.

So why not pay a bunch of lame Genovian expats to stand outside its consulate in New York holding signs making a big deal out of super tiny issues, like allowing cruise ships in, keeping GMOs out, and complaining about that op-ed piece I wrote the other week for the Wall Street Journal?

Apparently some people feel the heir to the throne of one principality has no right to express her opinion of how the ruler of another principality governs his country, even one who’s stripped half his population of what little rights they previously had (the female half, of course), and is threatening to behead his own son for marrying a commoner (fortunately Prince Rashid and his bride have been given asylum in the United States).

All I did was comment on how much I disapprove of the sheikh. I didn’t put out a big sign that says HEY, OPPRESSED PEOPLE OF QALIF, COME TO GENOVIA! Like these protesters apparently think I did.

Still, when someone who is being mistreated in their home travels very far and under horrible conditions to get to yours, shouldn’t you at least offer them shelter and something to eat and drink until they sort things out? It seems like common courtesy to me.

So what is everyone’s problem?

Oh, God, now a television news van has shown up downstairs to film the protesters. Why? Why can’t a celebrity couple choose today to announce that they’re divorcing so the media has something else to cover?

I wonder how much magnesium it’s safe to take in one day.

•   Note to self: Check iTriage.

CHAPTER 6

12:00 p.m., Thursday, April 30

Third-Floor Apartment

Consulate General of Genovia

New York City

Lilly just texted me:

Lilly Moscovitz “Virago”*: What are you doing?

*I have to give all my contacts code names in case of hacking. Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, has been hacked 155 times. Virago means “female warrior” but also “bad-tempered woman.” Not that Lilly’s bad-tempered, but lately, since she’s been studying for the bar, she’s been more difficult than usual.

I guess I’d be difficult, too, though, if I had to study for a test that took two whole days to complete. It’s a little disappointing that my best friend, who showed such promise in the past as a television producer, is going into the law, but like Lilly says, her true passion is arguing, so at least in the legal profession she’ll be paid to do it.

HRH Mia Thermopolis “FtLouie”: What do you think I’m doing? I’m “working from home.” But really I’m trapped in my apartment, watching NY1 interview Genovian protesters about how much they hate me and my dad.

There was a pause, and then Lilly wrote:

<Lilly Moscovitz “Virago”

HRH Mia Thermopolis “FtLouie”>

Oh my God, there you are! Well, not you, but the consulate, right on live TV. Wow, slow news day. Why don’t you come over here and we can live tweet it while drinking tequila?

Thanks, but that is not how the palace is choosing to handle the situation and would also be a violation of diplomatic protocol. Besides, the Royal Genovian Guard has me on lockdown in case any of the protesters turns out to be my stalker.

They haven’t caught that guy yet?

No. They think RoyalRabbleRouser must use a VPN (Virtual Private Network software) to hide his IP address since they haven’t been able to track his location.

Wow, that is not scary at all. But anyway, that crowd doesn’t look too violent.

Don’t underestimate them, one of them already threw a Genovian orange at Lars.

Why a Genovian orange?

In addition to their many other complaints, the protesters are anti-GMO and don’t think Genovian farmers should be allowed to plant drought-resistant Genovian orange trees (even though genetically modified food could help to end world hunger and the Genovian orange yield increased by 25% last year. And that study with the tumor-ridden rats was proven to be completely faked).

Sorry I asked. I thought Genovia was known for its olives. Or is it pears?

It doesn’t matter. The demand for orange juice in Europe is huge, so now all we’re growing is oranges.

Of course. What did Lars do when they threw the genetically modified orange at him? PLEASE say he shot them with tear-gas canisters, PLEASE.

He did not. He picked the orange up off the ground and took a huge bite out of it. Including the peel.

♥

Stop.

I swear to God someday I am going to tie that Scandinavian to my bed and do unspeakable things to him.

I know it’s been a while since you’ve had a date, but please keep in mind that Lars has been my bodyguard since I was 14 years old, so I think of him as an older brother.