Save the Date

“How was the rest of the wedding?” Jesse asked, sitting next to me on the couch and throwing one arm over the back of it.

“It was good,” I said. This, at least, was true—the wedding had been good. It was just everything that followed that had been awful. All in a rush, I blurted out, “I’m really glad you came home this weekend. It’s really—really good to see you.”

Jesse smiled at that, leaning back against the couch cushions. He looked totally relaxed, which I supposed made sense, since this was his house, but it made me that much more aware of how jumpy I felt, sitting across from him, my pulse beating hard in my throat. “I was glad to have the chance to hang out with Mike. And you,” he added after a pause. “I might actually head out early tomorrow,” he added with a shrug. “Some other friends from Stanwich are around, and we’re talking about maybe going to Mohegan Sun. . . .” I nodded, even though it felt like something was gripping my stomach. Jesse was going to leave? Tomorrow? I’d just assumed I’d see him tonight, and then we’d somehow work things out, and then we’d be together. I wasn’t exactly sure what happened to bridge those two things—I hadn’t gotten that far whenever I’d been dreaming about it—but I was pretty sure none of my fantasies about this had included him going off to a resort-slash-casino. “And then back to school,” he said with a groan. He turned to me, his brow furrowed, and he tilted his head to the side slightly. “Where are you going again?”

I took a breath, about to say Stanwich—but was I still? If everything that would have kept me here was gone? “I was going to go to Stanwich,” I said. “But . . .”

“Staying local,” Jesse said with a nod. “Nothing wrong with that. I know you’ll have a great time.” He gave me a lazy smile. “You’ll be breaking hearts all over campus.”

I smiled at that, even though it felt like something in my chest had just plunged. Why was he talking about me breaking hearts? Why was he talking about me and other guys at all? Didn’t he realize that he was the guy? “Um,” I started, trying to bring myself back to the moment. Things were still fine. I was here, with Jesse, on his couch, wearing a beautiful dress. Things were fine. He was trying to give me a compliment and just going about it in a weird way. “I guess so.”

“I know it,” he said, giving me another slow-building smile. “I always thought you were cute, Charlie.”

All the confusion I’d been feeling a second earlier was immediately swept away. I felt something warm start to spread through me, radiating out from my stomach. “You did?”

“Of course,” he said easily. “But now—now you’re, like, super cute. I know I’m not supposed to think Mike’s sister is hot, but . . .” He shook his head. I tried to keep from smiling too wide, and I had a feeling I wasn’t doing a great job of it. “What about me?” he asked with a smile that let me know he wasn’t worried about my answer to this question. “Did you think I was cute?”

I had to take a moment before answering him—he might have just asked me if the ocean was blue, or made of water. The answer was so clearly, blindingly obvious. I took a deep breath. “Do you remember Mike’s fourteenth birthday?” Jesse just raised an eyebrow, and I remembered what he’d said yesterday at the Inn, about how this was kids’ stuff. But I needed him to know this. “It was at that laser tag place,” I said, talking more quickly now. “And we ended up on the elevator going up to the second level, just the two of us?”

“Oh right,” Jesse said, even though I could tell he didn’t really remember. “Sure . . .”

“Do you remember when the elevator got stuck? And when I got scared, you reached out and squeezed my hand?” I took a breath and continued, knowing I had to get this out—had to try to tell him how I felt and just how far it went beyond merely thinking he was cute. “Or when you were over senior year doing prom pictures at our house—and you asked me to straighten your bow tie . . .” Even speaking the words brought me back to the moment—standing in the front hall with Jesse, closer than I’d ever been before, reaching up to straighten his black bow tie, breathing in the scent of his cologne as I tried to make the act of straightening a bow tie last absolutely as long as it possibly could, just so I could keep standing next to him.

“Yeah,” Jesse said, still looking a little confused, like he didn’t understand why I’d just suddenly dragged us down memory lane.

“I more than thought you were cute,” I said, feeling my cheeks get hot as I said it but pushing on anyway. “I kind of had this massive crush on you growing up.”

Jesse smiled at that. “Had?” He leaned a little closer to me on the couch, reaching up and moving my hair back over my shoulder. “Past tense?” I shook my head, and Jesse’s smile widened as he leaned closer still, so that he was right there and we were just a breath away. “That’s good,” he said, and took my face in his hands as he kissed me.

I kissed him back, sliding my arms over his shoulders as he eased me back onto the couch again, moving his hands over the silk of my dress. “This is nice,” he said, breaking away from me for a second as he looked down at it, rubbing the silk between his fingers.

“Thanks,” I said a little breathlessly, stretching up to kiss him again, kicking one of my heels to the floor and then trying to kick the other one off, but I felt it get stuck against the couch arm.

“I’ve got this,” Jesse said, pushing himself up slightly and taking off my shoe, then dropping it onto the floor, then sliding his hand up my bare leg, making me shiver as he leaned over and kissed me again.

“Thanks,” I said between kisses. Jesse grinned at me, then bent his head down toward me again. Time seemed to lose all its normal properties as we kissed—I only took a tiny time-out to take off my earrings, which were getting caught in my hair—so I wasn’t sure how long it had been when his hands slid around my back and he fumbled with the zip on my dress. I paused in kissing him and pushed myself to sit up a little more, and Jesse drew back slightly.

“Everything okay?”

“Yes,” I said immediately. “I just . . .” I looked at him, trying to take in this moment, hold on to it, freeze the picture somehow. “I just still kind of can’t believe that this—that you and me . . .” I shook my head, failing to find the exact words I needed. “That this is really happening.” I smiled at him then and kissed him, and he kissed me back, but it was like I could feel he was hesitating. And a second later, he broke away, propping himself up on the couch arm and letting his head hang down over my shoulder. “Jesse?” I asked after a moment, not sure what was happening.

“Yeah,” he said, lifting his head and rolling slightly off me, to my side, so that I could see him a little more clearly. “I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page here. Because I think you’re great.” He ran his finger down my cheek and then played with a lock of my hair. “But . . .” He gave me a slightly confused smile. “I just don’t want you to think this is something it’s not. We’re just having fun, right? It’s not like this is serious.” He said this in a tone of voice that made it seem like the only response would be to agree with him.

“No,” I said, smiling, trying to act like he hadn’t just hit the dimmer switch on my happiness, like it was slowly starting to fade out, tiny bit by tiny bit. “Not serious like right this minute,” I said with a laugh that was a little more high-pitched than mine normally were. “But—that doesn’t mean that someday . . .” I traced my fingers up his arm as my voice trailed off, giving him a hopeful smile he didn’t return.

“I just . . .” Jesse let out a short breath. “I mean, I’m at school. . . . You’re going to be starting school next year. . . . Let’s not turn this into something it doesn’t need to be, okay? Why put pressure on it, you know what I mean?” He smiled at me like I’d answered him, or agreed, and bent down to kiss me again.