I exhaled softly. “Wow. That was . . .” I trailed off.

Eilahn lifted her head and stood in a smooth motion. “Heartening? Enlightening?”

I gave a light shrug, unsettled at the strange twist of envy and longing in my gut. I’d been to the demon realm once, albeit only for a couple of minutes. But do I envy Michael because he gets to stay in the demon realm, or because he’ll be with Rhyzkahl?

I didn’t want to think about that right now.

“I was thinking ‘touchy feely bullshit,’ ” I said with a deliberately snarky grin, “but yeah, I’ll go with heartening and enlightening.” I headed for the stairs. “So, Eilahn, do you drink alcohol?”

Her low laugh told me all I needed to know.

Chapter 36

I picked at my pancakes and tried not to keep sneaking glances at Ryan. At least he looked like he’d been through hell. If he’d been acting perfectly fine and chipper, I’d have been completely freaked.

But, no, he seemed as normal as I could have expected. Or as normal as I’d ever known him to be.

We were at Ryan’s house, and it had been a week since the incident at the landfill. The reports had been filed, the cases closed, and the bodies buried. Ben Moran had resigned from the board without any prompting or pressure, citing grief and shock after the machinations of Lida and Trey had been revealed. I remained convinced that he’d known nothing of the schemes.

I’d heard nothing from Ryan or Zack in all that time until this morning, when Zack had called to invite us over for a pancake-fest. But the atmosphere was remarkably non-fest-like, and the silence at the breakfast table was brittle and awkward. Zack had pulled me aside and told me that everything was all right, and that Ryan was recovering well from his “concussion,” yet had refused to give me any further hint or clue as to what was going on, or what might happen next.

He’s still Ryan, I tried to tell myself. Except . . . I wasn’t so sure of that anymore.

Finally Zack threw down his napkin. “Eilahn, care to take a walk with me?”

Eilahn gave him a grave nod in return and stood. Neither looked back at us as they strode out of the house.

“God, those two are subtle,” Ryan remarked dryly. He met my eyes and gave me an unsteady smile. “I’m glad you’re all right.”

“Ditto,” I replied. “I was really worried about you.” I poked at my pancake for a few seconds. “What do you remember, Ryan?”

He looked off into the distance, brow drawing down into a frown. “I remember swinging at the golems, then Eilahn screamed my name. I turned and saw that you were down, and . . .” He swallowed hard. “And then I woke up back at the house. I don’t remember anything else.”

Except that it wasn’t “Ryan” that she screamed, I thought. It was a different name. A name I’ve heard before.

The pain in Ryan’s face was so clear that I put my hand on his before I could think about it. He looked down at my hand. “When I woke up, all I could think was that I’d failed you,” he said, voice unsteady. “I thought you’d died and that the reason I couldn’t remember was because there was no way I’d ever want to remember seeing . . .” His voice broke, and he bowed his head, unable to go on. I squeezed his hand even as the tightness I’d been harboring in my chest began to loosen. I didn’t have all the answers, but at least I truly knew how he felt about me.

“You saved me, Ryan,” I said softly.

He gave a jerky nod without looking up. “Zack told me that.” He took a ragged breath, then straightened. I could see him consciously regaining his composure, and after a few seconds he gave me a more normal Ryansmile. “Sorry.”

I cocked my head at him. “For saving me?”

He snorted. “You are such a dork. No, for being . . .”

“Human?”

“God forbid,” he muttered, shuddering in mock horror.

“Now who’s the dork?”

He grinned and fell to eating.

“I’ll be right back,” I said after a moment. “I need to talk to Zack.”

I found Zack on the porch, leaning against a post with his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. I moved up to the post and leaned on the other side of it.

“So, Ryan had some sort of blackout, huh?”

“Moments of great stress will sometimes do that, I’ve heard,” he replied evenly.

“Uh-huh. Y’know, I asked you once if Ryan was a demon.”

“I told you then that he is not. Nothing has changed.”

I nodded. “Right. I get that. And I know you wouldn’t lie to me.” I pursed my lips. “My aunt said something strange to me the other day.”

I heard him take a sip of his coffee. “From what I gather, your aunt says many strange things.”

I gave him a chuckle. “True! But this time she was talking about demons and things that were and weren’t demonic, and vice versa,” I continued conversationally. “It didn’t make any sense at the time. But I think now it does. ‘The demons are not demonic, and the demonic are not demons.’ ”

Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel Zack tense.

“Is Ryan a demonic lord?” I asked, pleased that the question came out calmly and smoothly, and that none of my inner turmoil had been revealed.

I felt his shudder. “Kara, I am oathbound,” he replied, barely above a whisper. “I cannot answer that.”

I pushed off the post, blood roaring in my ears as I walked back inside. “It’s all right, Zack. You just did.”