At the end of the show, I sold twice as much as normal because everyone bought two of everything, one for them and one for me. If my vagina wasn't covered in cotton and jeans, it might have taken offense to their looks of pity. I swore as they all placed their orders they looked down between my legs. Now, I know how chicks with huge boobs feel when a guy won't look you in the eyes.
When the last girl left with a hug for me and Jenny and a goodie bag of fun in her hand, we both collapsed on the couch in the living room.
"Thanks for doing the party tonight, Claire," she said with a smile. "And thanks for the awesome tray of desserts. Seriously, you have a gift. Those chocolate-covered pretzels drizzled with caramel almost gave me an orgasm. And that's saying a lot considering I was surrounded by fibrillators all night."
My eyes popped open and I raised my head from it’s spot resting on the back of the couch to stare next to me at Jenny’s profile while she absentmindedly check out her manicured nails. She was a nice person and we got along really well, but some of the things that came out of her mouth tonight boggled the mind.
"Um, Jenny do you mean defibrillators?"
Why she was even using that word in a sentence about a sex toy party was beyond my scope of imagination, unless she assumed something in my bag of tricks would stop someone’s heart. Come to think of it, I almost had a heart attack when I saw the size of the Grape Gargantuan. Where exactly is a woman supposed to stick that thing, in the Hoover Damn to plug it up?
"Wait, what did I say? I meant vibrator. Oh my gosh that's so weird!"
I just shook my head and got up off of the couch to pack up all of the stuff into the extra suitcase Liz gave me for the supplies. Just my luck, I get to keep all of this shit in my house. If anything ever happened to me and the police or some other authority figure had to go through my house, I was going to be completely humiliated from beyond the grave if they find this suitcase.
Oh, Jesus, what if my dad found this thing? He was going to think I was a freak. What woman needed a suitcase with thirty-seven vibrators and nineteen bottles of lube? Shit, I needed to store this stuff at Liz’s house. I didn't tell my dad yet about Liz’s part of the business. No girl should ever be forced to have a conversation about dildos with her father. That was just wrong on so many levels. He could find out the first time he walked into the store just like everyone else.
"So, I'll get started on your flyer this week as soon as you send me photos of the items you want featured on it. I'm going to do one for you, one for Liz and then one that combines both of your stores. You said you guys were going to get together tonight and decide on a name?" Jenny asked.
"Yeah, I'm headed over to her and Jim’s house tonight,” I explained as I zipped the suitcase closed. “Hey, why don't you come with me? You can help us brainstorm."
"Oh, I don't know. I don't want to impose."
I pulled the plastic handle out of the top of the case and glanced over at her.
"You will definitely not be imposing. You already know Liz and she always makes enough food to feed an army. Really, she won't mind at all."
"Well, if you think it will be okay, I guess I’ll stop by. I really need to get out and have some fun. Maybe she can find me a single man. I'm so desperate that I might settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygiene and knows how to go down on me."
I stared blankly at her, wishing I could erase that that entire sentence from my memory.
"I'm going to finish cleaning up here, and I might try to fit an orgasm in too. I'll just meet you there."
I'm pretty sure my head just exploded.
"Um, Jenny? Did you just say you were going to try and fit an orgasm in?"
Please God, let me have heard her wrong.
"Well, duh! I have to make sure what I bought works properly don't I? If it doesn't get me off fast enough, I'm returning it. I have a two point five minute rule."
Oh Jesus. Please don't let her give me a used vibrator with her vagina funk all over it. What the f**k am I supposed to do with that? Do I need a hazmat suit to handle a returned vibrator? This was not a topic included in my new employee packet.
"Okay, well, I'll just see you at Liz’s house then," I said as I ran from her house, pulling my suitcase on wheels behind me as fast as the wobbly legs on that thing would allow.
***
Fifteen minutes later I was walking up to Liz and Jim’s house and letting myself in. Liz flew around the corner into the foyer with a panicked look on her face.
"Elizabeth Marie Gates, you owe me big time. That was the single most horrific experience of my life," I yelled at her while I unbuttoned my coat.
"Claire, I have to tell you…"
"When I invited Jenny over for dinner, she decided to tell me she was going to pencil in some alone time with her vibrator before coming here,” I said in horror, interrupting her. “I'm not going to be able to look her in the eye at all tonight."
"Claire, there's something…"
"You could have warned me that these women would be asking me a thousand questions about lube and g-spots that I wouldn't have a f**king clue how to answer. ‘Oh, all you need to do is stand there and take everyone’s orders,’" I complained in my best Liz voice as I yanked my jacket off.
"You need to…"
"I lost my shit after the question on c**k rings getting stuck in vaginas and told them all about my stellar sexual history. Jesus H. Christ, Liz, a woman who has had one point five lays and didn't even come close to getting off during them should NOT be selling sex toys!" I screeched, throwing my coat on the hook next to the door and turning back to face her.