Shatter

“You. You are your own worst enemy. Not drugs, not Demetri, not your past, not your career. You. You are in a battle with yourself.”

I sat back and sighed. “I-I don’t understand. Can you say that in English?”

“You can’t love someone fully until you forgive yourself of bad choices made. You take responsibility of your actions by acknowledging that the choices made were your choices and yours alone. Nobody forced you to go into that hotel room. Nobody forced you to do drugs. Nobody forced you to withhold the truth from Demetri. You. You are your own worst enemy. So until the different parts of Alec can get along. You’ll always be in this battle. The battle between who you want to be and who you really are. You want to be different and better so you pretend that everything’s fine. You control everything around you, but the problem with that is, the minute part of your perfect world starts to shatter—”

“---I do too.”

“Well done.” Mrs. Murray nodded in approval.

“So…” I chewed my lower lip. “How do I fix it?”

“Let go.”

“Of what?”

“Control. Yourself, your past. It is what it is, and you can’t change it. You can only move forward and make better choices. Every time you mess up in the present it’s an excuse for you to bring back the past, and then you pile that on yourself until you feel worthless and depressed. You can’t do that.”

“Easier said than done.”

She smiled. “It takes practice.”

“I can practice.”

“I know.” Winking, she put her notepad down and leaned forward. “You need to get over yourself.”

Harsh as shit wasn’t she? “Thanks for the tough love.”

She shrugged. “Get over it, move on, be happy, and don’t let your past define your future. If you do, you’ll continue in that same cycle.”

“I can’t lose her now, but I feel like…”

“What?”

“I feel like everything is spinning out of control. I have so many things going on around me, and I feel like I can’t give her everything she needs in order to be happy. I feel like I’m failing without even starting the damn race.”

“Isn’t that for her to decide?”

“What do you mean?” I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. Not only was I feeling like crap, but my hair was the longest it had ever been. Yesterday a fan said I looked like Johnny Depp. Great, so I looked like a drunken pirate.

“Alec.” Mrs. Murray cleared her throat. “You’ve always been the caretaker. When someone has the type of responsibility you’ve always had, that person is used to calling the shots in every aspect of their lives. With Nat, you decide what’s best for the both of you, and if it’s not, you decide something is over without even consulting her. Is that a relationship?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Didn’t think so.” She checked her watch. “Looks like our time is almost up. I think it would be best for you to keep doing what you’re doing. I know it pains you to admit it, but your friend Jaymeson is right. She doesn’t need words. She needs actions. Only when she believes your actions will she start listening to your words.”

“Right.” I rose from my set and shuffled slowly to the door. “What if its not enough?”

I didn’t turn around, but I could feel Mrs. Murray’s sigh behind me. “Then at least you tried.”

“I don’t want to try. I want to succeed.”

“Then don’t give up.”

I opened the door to the office and left. I knew Nat was probably only a few feet away from me, upstairs in her room, maybe listening to that damn Justin Timberlake album I got her in order to show her that I didn’t have to control what she listened to.

Shit, I was a mess.

I walked back to our house and decided something needed to change. And that something was me. If she wanted me to act, I was going to act, and it was going to be a big gesture. Just not anything she could ever possibly imagine.

****

“Alec, why are we at the school?” Nat put her hands on her hips and looked around the abandoned parking lot. Summer school had just gotten out, so I knew we wouldn’t be attacked by crazy high school fans.

I shrugged. “Do you trust me?”

Nat took my outstretched hand. “Jury’s still out. Guess it depends on how today goes.”

I chuckled and tugged her toward the school.

It smelled the same, the school. It was like being transported back to that first day when I saw Nat trip down the hall. Her pencils and bag went flying. I wasn’t really one to get involved in other people’s business, but she looked so miserable and when she got on her hands and knees, I couldn’t help but find it amusing that every single one of her pens was either hot pink or yellow. Her backpack was polka-dotted, and I realized in that moment she was like sunshine, so happy, so stinkin’ cute.

Before I knew it, I was helping her to her feet, and then my heart stopped. I swear it literally stopped inside my chest when her large brown eyes fell on mine. I’d never had a girl so completely knock me onto my knees before. The pull I had for her was so strong that I released her hand as if she’d burnt me, and looked away. Rude. I was rude to her.

“Right there.” I pointed at the hallway floor. “You fell right there.”

Nat groaned. “Is this going to be one of those trips down memory lane where we re-hash every embarrassing moment I’ve ever experienced?”