Shopaholic and Sister

“No! I’m frugal! Jess taught me. Like Yoda.”

“What exactly did she teach you?” says Luke, looking a bit wary.

“How to make a water sprinkler out of a milk carton,” I say proudly. “And gift wrap out of old plastic bags. Also, you should always write a birthday card in pencil so the person can rub out your message and use it again. It saves ninety pence!”

Luke looks at me wordlessly for a few moments.

“I think I need to get you back to London,” he says at last, then helps me down the stepladder, holding my crutch under his arm. “Danny called, by the way.”

“Danny called?” In my excitement I miss the last step of the ladder. As I land on the grass, everything goes a little swirly.

“Ooh!” I clutch on to Luke. “I’m all dizzy.”

“Are you OK?” says Luke in alarm. “Is it the concussion? You shouldn’t have been climbing ladders… ”

“It’s all right,” I say, a little breathless. “I’ll sit down.”

“God, I always used to get like that!” says Suze, passing by. “When I was pregnant.”

Everything seems to empty from my mind.

I dart a startled glance at Luke. He looks equally jolted.

No. I mean… I couldn’t…

I couldn’t be—

All of a sudden my brain is doing frantic sums. I haven’t even thought about… But the last time I… it must have been… It’s been at least…

Oh my God.

“Becky?” says Luke in a strange voice.

“Um… Luke…”

I take a deep breath, trying to keep cool.

OK. Don’t panic. Do not panic…

WEST CUMBRIA BANK

45 STERNDALE STREET

COGGENTHWAITE

CUMBRIA

Ms Jessica Bertram

12 Hill Rise

Scully

Cumbria CA19 1BD

12 June 2003

Dear Ms Bertram,

I was surprised to see today that a sum of one thousand pounds has been taken from your account.

This is most unusual activity for your account and for this reason I am contacting you to ensure that a mistake has not been made.

Yours sincerely,

Howard Shawcross

Customer Account Manager

WEST CUMBRIA BANK

45 STERNDALE STREET

COGGENTHWAITE

CUMBRIA

Ms Jessica Bertram

12 Hill Rise

Scully

Cumbria CA19 1 BD

22 June 2003

Dear Ms Bertram,

I was shocked and grieved by the tone of your last letter.

I do “have a life” as you put it.

Yours sincerely,

Howard Shawcross

Customer Account Manager

Rebecca Brandon

37 Maida Vale Mansions

Maida Vale

London NW6 0YF

Manager

Harvey Nichols

109Ð125 Knightsbridge

London SW1X 7RJ

25 June 2003

Dear Sir,

I am doing a piece of hypothetical research. I was wondering whether it is true that if you give birth in Harvey Nichols (accidentally, of course!) you are entitled to free clothes for life.

I would be very grateful if you could let me know.

Obviously, as I have mentioned, this is a completely hypothetical inquiry.

Yours sincerely,

Rebecca Brandon (née Bloomwood)