“Have some wine,” I say hurriedly, and hand her a glass. “I’m sure it’s good for Tarkie to be doing all this. I mean, it’s got to be positive, hasn’t it? Personal validation? It’s better than impersonal validation anyway.”

“What is validation?” counters Suze.

“It’s … er … being yourself … kind of thing.” I try to sound knowledgeable. “You have to let go. And … be happy.”

“It’s bollocks.” Suze’s eyes flash at me.

“Well … anyway. Cheers.” I lift my wineglass and take a swig.

Suze takes a massive gulp, then another, then exhales, seeming a bit calmer. “So, how was the agent?” she asks, and my spirits instantly rise. At least something is going well.

“It was amazing!” I say. “They said we need to plan my future carefully, and they’ll help me juggle all my offers. And I need to hire security,” I add importantly.

“Hire security?” Suze stares at me. “You mean like a bodyguard?”

“Yes.” I try to sound casual. “It makes sense now I’m famous.”

“You’re not that famous.”

“Yes, I am! Haven’t you seen the photographers outside the gates?”

“They’ll get bored soon enough. Honestly, Bex, you’re only going to be famous for, like, five minutes. I wouldn’t waste money on a bodyguard.”

“Five minutes?” I say, offended. “Is that what you think? If you want to know, I’ve been offered a reality show. I’m going to be a global brand. This is only the beginning.”

“You’re doing a reality show?” She seems gobsmacked. “Has Luke agreed to that?”

“He … well, it’s under discussion,” I prevaricate.

“Does Luke know about the bodyguard?”

“He doesn’t need to know!” I’m feeling more and more scratchy. At CAA, everything seemed so shiny and exciting, and now Suze is putting a damper on it all. “I’m the celebrity, not Luke.”

“You’re not a celebrity!” says Suze scoffingly.

“Yes, I am!”

“Not a proper one. Not like Sage.”

“Yes, I am!” I say furiously. “They all said I was at CAA. Even Sage said so. And I need a bodyguard. In fact, I’m going to sort it out right now.” And I head out of the kitchen, full of indignation. I’ll show Suze. I’m going to phone Aran’s assistant and get the name of the top Hollywood security company and hire a bodyguard. I don’t care what she thinks.

From: [email protected]?first?move?security?solutions.?com

To: Rebecca Brandon

Subject: Your security requirements

Dear Rebecca,

It was good to talk to you earlier, and I have attached a link to our online brochure of our products and services. I’m sure we can provide you with the range of security solutions you will need in your new, high-profile position, whether this be in the form of personnel or home security/surveillance equipment.

As regards the DF 4000 Deluxe X-ray body scanner we were discussing, please be assured, I have never known a case of a husband “using it to track down shopping parcels hidden about his wife’s person.”

I look forward to hearing from you and fulfilling your security needs.

Best wishes,
Blake Wilson
Security Facilitation Vice President

It’s fine. It’s all good. We’ll get used to this.

I’m sure every family finds it tricky at first, having a bodyguard.

It only took twenty-four hours to fix myself up with a security team. The company couldn’t have been more helpful, and they totally understood that I need extra protection now I’m in the public eye. After a bit of discussion we decided that I maybe didn’t need an armed twenty-four-hour squad, but I could start with what they call “mid-level protection.” My team began work this morning, and so far they’ve been brilliant. There’s Jeff and Mitchell, who are both dressed in dark suits and shades. And there’s Echo the German shepherd dog, who was trained in Russia, apparently. We’ve had a briefing meeting to discuss my requirements, and we’ve discussed my itinerary for the day. Now Mitchell is touring the house with Echo in order to check the “ongoing security of the premises,” while Jeff sits in the kitchen in order to provide “personal integrity reinforcement.”

The only thing is, it’s a bit awkward having Jeff in the kitchen at breakfast. He just sits there at the side of the room and looks unsmilingly at everyone and mutters things into his headset. But we’ll have to get used to it, now we’re a celebrity family.