Shopaholic to the Stars

“What about Luke?” I turn to Sage. “Does he have any idea?”

“I don’t think so,” says Sage, after a pause. “Although, he’s smart—he asked me straight out, was any of this fabricated? Of course I told him no. Has he said anything to you?”

“Nothing.”

“He mustn’t know,” says Lois. “He mustn’t know anything. Every attempt to fool the American public needs a level of plausible deniability.”

“The President’s Woman,” chimes in Sage, and high-fives Lois.

I knew I’d heard Lois say that somewhere before. It was when she played the vice president and wore all those pinstripe suits.

“Luke is our level of plausible deniability,” Lois is saying now. “He and Aran both. They’re credible, they’re trustworthy.…”

“Luke’s great,” says Sage, turning to Lois. “When this has simmered down, you should totally hire him. He has, like, all these ideas for strategy. And he’s such a gentleman.”

“But, Sage …” I don’t quite know how to put it. “Inventing a feud with Lois can’t be part of Luke’s strategy, surely?”

“So I had to go a little off the path.” She tosses her hair back. “It worked, didn’t it? You mustn’t tell him,” she adds. “You know what he thinks I should be doing? Charity work. Like, some trip to Darfur.” She makes a disparaging face. “I told him I was researching land mines today. In fact, you can back me up!” Her face brightens. “Tell him you called me and I was totally on the Internet looking at charity websites.”

“I can’t lie to Luke!” I say in horror.

“Well, you can’t tell Luke,” retorts Sage.

“Becky, you’re in this now,” says Lois sternly. “And if you’re in it, you’re in it.”

That’s a quote from one of her movies, too, but I can’t remember which one. The Mafia one, maybe?

“We’ll give you your break as a stylist,” she continues. “You can dress us both for events. You’ll make contacts, it’ll be the real deal. But you cannot tell anyone.” Her eyes are flashing at me. She’s got up from her chair and looks suddenly quite intimidating, like she did when she played that partner of a law firm who was also a serial killer. “You cannot tell anyone,” she repeats.

“Right.” I swallow.

“If you do, we’ll trash you.”

I have no idea what she means by “trash,” but it can’t be good.

“Right,” I say again, nervously.

Lois has already turned away and is tapping at a laptop. “Lois and Sage to appear on Camberly,” she reads aloud. “It’s up! You should go, Becky,” she adds to me. “Call your driver. The guard will let him in and he can back the SUV right up to the door. The press won’t see you. That’s what Sage did yesterday. And if your driver asks, tell him I wasn’t available. I was too ill. That’ll get around.”

“Drivers know everything,” chimes in Sage. “Hey, look, we made Fox News!”

The two of them are totally engrossed in the laptop. There’s no point in me sticking around.

“Well … bye, then,” I say, and reach for my phone. A few minutes later Mitchell and Jeff arrive at the front door in the blacked-out SUV and I slide in seamlessly, just as Lois described. It’s like the house was designed for discreet exits. As we make our way out of the gates, journalists start banging on the sides of the SUV and flashing cameras, shouting, “Lois! Lois!” until we manage to break free and drive off.

They thought I was her. The world has gone nuts. My head is still spinning, and the blood is pulsing in my ears. What just happened there? What?

From: Kovitz, Danny

To: Kovitz, Danny

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By the time Luke gets home that evening, I’m feeling calmer. The thing is, this is what Hollywood is like and you just have to get used to it. Yes, it seems completely freaky and messed up at first, but gradually it starts to feel more normal. They’re right. It is all a game. Everyone’s playing it—the stars, the journalists, the public, everyone. And if you don’t want to play, maybe you shouldn’t come to Hollywood.

On the plus side, Sage has been texting me all afternoon, and I’ve been texting back, and it’s like we’re best friends. I’m totally in the gang! Lois even texted me, too, a few times. The forthcoming Camberly interview is already huge news, exactly as they said it would be. It’s been featured on every news website, and it’s all over the TV, too, and the Sage-and-Lois soap opera is topic A again.