Shopaholic to the Stars

It’s Alicia Bitch Long-legs.

Here. In L.A. In Minnie’s school.

I feel pinioned with shock. If I weren’t sitting down, I think my legs would collapse.

“Hello, Rebecca,” she says softly, and I give a little shudder. I haven’t heard that voice for years.

She’s as tall and skinny and blond as ever, but her style has changed. She’s wearing drapey yoga pants and a gray top and Keds. I’ve never seen Alicia in anything other than heels. And her hair is caught in a low ponytail, which is also very different. As I run my eyes over her, I notice a white-and-gold twisted bracelet on one wrist. Isn’t that the bracelet they wear at Golden Peace?

“Do you two know each other?” says Sydney, with interest.

I want to break into hysterical laughter. Do we know each other? Well, let’s see now. Over the last few years, Alicia has tried to ruin my career, my reputation, my husband’s business, and my wedding. She’s undermined me and looked down on me at every turn. Just seeing her is making my heart race with stress.

“Yes,” I manage. “Yes, we do.”

“So that’s why you recommended Rebecca!” Carola still seems obsessed by this. “I was just saying, how on earth did she get a place on such short notice?”

“I had a word with Erica,” says Alicia.

Her voice is different, I realize. It’s lower and calmer. In fact, her whole demeanor is calmer. It’s creepy. It’s like she’s had Botox of the soul.

“Well, aren’t you a sweetie pie?” Faith puts an arm fondly round Alicia’s shoulders. “Lucky Rebecca to have such a pal!”

“We were telling Rebecca all about you,” puts in Carola. “Turns out we didn’t need to!”

“I’ve changed a lot since I saw you last, Rebecca.” Alicia gives a soft laugh. “When was that?”

I’m so shocked, I actually gasp. When was that? How can she ask that? Isn’t it etched into her brain forever, like it is in mine?

“At my wedding,” I manage to gulp. When you were being escorted out, kicking and screaming, having tried to ruin the whole thing.

I’m waiting for a flash of understanding, remorse, acknowledgment, something. But her eyes have a weird, bland quality to them.

“Yes,” she says thoughtfully. “Rebecca, I know we have some issues which we should try to put behind us.” She puts a hand gently on my shoulder, and I immediately recoil. “Maybe we could have a cup of mint tea together and talk it through, just the two of us?”

What? All those terrible things she did boil down to “issues”?

“I don’t … You can’t just …” I break off, my throat dry, my heart thumping, my thoughts all over the place. I don’t know what to say.

No is what I want to say. You must be joking is what I want to say. We can’t put all that behind us.

But I can’t. I’m not on home turf. I’m standing in the parents’ lounge at a preschool in L.A., surrounded by strangers who think that Alicia is a sweetie pie who’s done me the most massive favor in the world. And now a new feeling creeps over me. A horrible, cold realization. These women are all Alicia’s friends. Not my friends—Alicia’s friends. It’s her crowd.

The thing about Alicia is, she’s always managed to make me feel about three inches tall. And even now, even though I know I’m in the right and she’s in the wrong, I feel like I’m diminishing by the second. She’s in the cool gang. And if I want to join it, I’m going to have to be friendly to her. But I can’t. I just can’t. I can barely even look at her, let alone go to her “moms’ yoga class.”

How can they all be fooled by her? How can they call her “sweet” and “super-fun”? An overwhelming feeling of disappointment engulfs me. For a moment I was so excited. I thought I’d found a way in. And now I find Alicia Bitch Long-legs is standing at the entrance, barring the way.

The door swings open and Erica comes in, her colorful shawl trailing behind her like a sail.

“Rebecca!” she exclaims. “I’m glad to say that Minnie is doing extremely well. She’s acclimatized remarkably quickly and seems to be making friends already. In fact, she’s a natural leader.” Erica beams at me. “I’m sure she’ll have a little tribe following her in no time.”

“Brilliant.” I manage a wide smile. “Thank you so much. That’s fantastic news.”

And it is. It’s a massive relief to think that Minnie feels at home in L.A. and is happy and is making friends. I mean, I’m not surprised. Minnie’s so confident and charms everyone she meets, it’s no wonder she’s landed on her feet.