Shopaholic to the Stars

Personally, I don’t think she’s at all suited to being Florence Nightingale, but I’m not going to say that to Luke.

“Sage is very interested in the role,” he’s saying now to Ken, who is bearded and intense and frowns a lot. “I would say she’s passionate about it.”

Davina is also fairly intense. She’s dressed in a black tuxedo suit and keeps checking her BlackBerry and saying “Uh-huh?” when Luke is in the middle of a sentence.

“Sage feels this is a story that must be told,” Luke presses on. “She really felt the role spoke to her.… Ah, here she is! Just talking about you, Sage.”

Ooh! There’s Sage, approaching in a swishy red dress that sets off her treacly hair perfectly. I feel a small thrill of excitement at the idea of introducing her to Suze and Tarkie.

“I’d hope you are talking about me,” says Sage to Luke. “Why else do I pay you?” She gives a roar of laughter and Luke smiles politely.

“Just talking about Florence,” he says. “I was saying how passionate you are about the role.”

“Oh, totally.” Sage nods. “Did you see my new tattoo?” She holds out her wrist, waving her fingers playfully, and Luke flinches.

“Sage, sweetie,” says Aran evenly. “I thought we said no more tattoos.”

“I had to have it,” says Sage, looking hurt. “It’s a swallow. It means peace.”

“That would be a dove,” says Aran, and I see him exchange a look with Luke.

“Hi, Sage,” I say casually. “You look lovely.”

“You’re so kind.” Sage sweeps a dazzling smile over Suze, Tarkie, and me. “Welcome to the benefit. Would you like a photo? Aran, these people would like a photo, could you …?”

I stare at her, confused. She thinks I’m some random fan.

“It’s me, Becky,” I say, turning red with embarrassment. “Luke’s wife? We met at the house?”

“Oh, Becky!” She bursts into laughter again and presses a hand on my arm. “Of course. My bad.”

“Sage, I’d like you to meet my friends Suze and Tarquin Cleath-Stuart. Suze and Tarkie, may I present Sage …” I trail off mid-introduction. Sage has turned away from us and is enthusiastically greeting some guy in a midnight-blue tuxedo.

There’s a moment of awkward silence. I can’t believe Sage has been so rude.

“Sorry,” I mumble at last.

“Bex, it’s not your fault!” says Suze. “She’s quite … um …” She stops, and I can tell she’s trying to be diplomatic.

“I know.”

Sage looks hyper to me. Is she high? Now she’s talking loudly about Ben Galligan, who is her ex-boyfriend from about three years ago. He cheated on her while he was making Hour of Terror 5, and he dumped Sage at the premiere, and now his new girlfriend is pregnant. And Sage has never got over it.

It was all in People magazine, and Luke says most of it is true. But then, annoyingly, when I asked him to tell me exactly which bits were true and which bits weren’t, he said I should stop reading that trash and remember that celebrities are human beings.

“Is the rat here?” Sage is looking wildly around. “Because I swear, I will tear his eyes out.”

“Sage, we talked about this!” says Aran in a low voice. “Tonight you’re an ambassador for world equality and justice, OK? You can be a pissed-off ex-girlfriend on your own time.”

Sage doesn’t seem to be listening. Her eyes are darting wildly about. “Suppose I dump a bottle of wine over him? Think of the exposure. It’ll go viral.”

“That’s not the kind of viral we want. Sage, we have a strategy, remember?”

“I really couldn’t tell you who else is in the running,” I can hear Davina Kerrow saying to Luke. “Although you can probably guess.…”

“It’s Lois,” says Sage, who has overheard this, too, and is scowling. “She’s up for Florence, I know she is. Can you see Lois as a nurse? A nurse? This is the girl who said, ‘You don’t get any acting awards for shaving off your hair,’ remember?”

“Not this again.” Aran closes his eyes.

“She could play a psycho-freak nurse. That would work. Or maybe a kleptomaniac nurse, right, Becky?” she says, flashing me a wild grin.

I feel a thud of alarm at the word “kleptomaniac.” Sage is talking really loudly, and the place is crowded. Anyone could overhear.

“Um, Sage.” I move close to her and drop my voice right down. “I told you that about Lois in confidence.”