“Spokane’s in Washington. Learn some geography, why don’t you. And how’d you hear?”
“I was told.”
“By Clayton?” So much for patient confidentiality.
“That’s not important,” Missy said, with this great, big sympathetic look on her face. “We’re here to help you process. Tell us how you feel.”
“She’s right, Hemphill. Own up to your feelings,” Sheriff said.
“You tell me what you know,” I said, facing Missy.
“Your grandmother tracked your mother down, found her living like, like some crazy homeless person,” she said.
“Mama’s a wild child, just like you,” Sheriff said.
“Neither of you know crap about my mom.”
“I know she lived in denial about her illness until it was too late,” Missy said.
“Shut up!”
“Whoa, girlies. Looks like someone touched a nerve there,” Sheriff said.
“Unless you get with the program, you’re gonna end up just like her,” Missy said.
“Missy, there is so much in the world that you don’t know, that to even begin explaining it all to you would take the rest of my life.” My voice came out steady, even though my insides were burning. “And I’d rather end up like my crazy, messed-up mother than spend even a moment as a conniving, cowardly little conformist like you!”
Everyone cracked up when I said that, even Sheriff, who loved nothing more than a good catfight. Missy’s face went white with rage and finally she shut up. But when she caught my eye, she mouthed “I’m gonna get you.”
Chapter 19
I couldn’t sleep that night. I had so many emotions roiling around, about Mom—and Dad, as usual—but also about Missy, V, and Bebe. So I lay in bed and thought about writing Jed a letter. I’d been writing him a lot of imaginary letters lately. I’d gotten another note from him with fireflies drawn all over it, but I hadn’t been able to sneak anything out to him. Hence my telepathic missives.
In my mind, I could say everything I really felt, things I never would have been able to say to Jed’s face or in real letters. I told him about how much our night meant to me and about the feeling I’d had when I played with the band. The music had cleansed me of so much unhappiness, and in my mind my love of music and my love for him were all mixed up. I told him about my fight with Bebe and my weird feelings toward V. And sometimes when it was really quiet and late and I couldn’t sleep, I would confide in Jed about the things that scared me most: that I’d never get out of Red Rock and get to be with him like a normal girl, that I never was or would ever be a normal girl. Maybe I was going to end up crazy too. Not the carving-my-skin, barfing-up-my-lunch, ditching-class types that passed for crazy at Red Rock. But voices-in-my-head crazy. Crazy like my mother.
I was still talking to Jed when the sun peeked through the shades. A day on the quarry with no sleep was a brutal thing, and I knew I was in for a rough go of it when I stumbled to the shower. And that was before I saw V crouching in the corner of the stall.
“Don’t scream,” she whispered as I jumped.
“How’d you get in here?” I whispered.
“Very sneakily,” she said.
“Aren’t you still Level Two?”
“Yes. But Level Two girls need showers too.” V pointed to the dressing area, where her escort was waiting.
“How’d you know I’d be here?”
“You always use the second stall, Brit. For a rebel girl you’re a creature of habit.”
“Are you okay? We’ve all been worried sick about you. You must be going crazy in iso.”
“It’s not fun, but I’ve endured worse.”
“Couldn’t you just tell Sheriff that you were ready to face your issues?”
“I’m afraid that doesn’t work the fourth time around,” she said, smiling ruefully. “I was hoping I’d see one of you guys, thought you might slip over to see me.”
“Well, it’s been rough. We’ve all been under surveillance.”
“There are ways around that.”
I shrugged. “You’re the one who knows all the ways. What were we supposed to do?”
“That’s up to you.”
“What—you think I owe you a risky visit because of what you did?”
V looked genuinely surprised and then kind of hurt, which made me feel like a jerk. “You don’t owe me anything, Brit. There’s no outstanding debt between us.” She seemed sincere, but I felt like it was all a lie. There was a huge debt between us, and now I would have to pay her back for something I’d never asked for in the first place. “Don’t sweat it. Your Christmas present was just more costly than I expected, but I was happy to give it to you. Did you have a good night out with Jed?”
I smiled just thinking of it. “I did.”
“So be happy. It was worth it.”
“To me, not to you.”
“That’s for me to decide. Are you mad at me or something?”
“Or something,” I lied. “I just feel guilty.”
“Brit,” she sighed with all her world-weariness. “Guilt is such a waste of an emotion. Don’t spend your energy on it—or on me.” And then she crawled under the stall to the empty shower next to mine and turned on the tap.
That afternoon on the quarry was one of my loneliest times at Red Rock. The heat had returned in full force, sending the counselors back to their Diet Cokes and magazines on the patio. It would have been possible to talk to the girls. But Martha wasn’t there, probably on another of her hikes. And Cassie was working alongside her new roommate again. Bebe was still giving me the cold shoulder. So I just piled bricks by myself, replaying my sad conversation with V in my mind. It was so hot out and I was perspiring so much that no one noticed my face was damp with tears.
It was three long weeks before Bebe decided to end her silent treatment and make peace with me. Sort of. She approached me on the quarry, ready to strike a deal.
“This is all getting so tiresome, Brit,” she said. “I’m bored with it. Can we stop now?” No apology. No “I missed you.” No “darling.”
“You’re the one who’s pissed at me, Bebe,” I said.