Size 12 Is Not Fat

Mr. and Mrs. Cartwright hadn’t thrown an engagement party when Jordan and I had gotten engaged. Instead, Mrs. Cartwright had asked if I was pregnant.

I guess she couldn’t think of any other reason her son would bother to get himself engaged to a girl whose career was on the wane and waistline on the rise.

“Well, shouldn’t you be there, then?” I ask him.

“I should,” Jordan says. And suddenly I realize he doesn’t just sound hoarse. He sounds miserable. “I know I should. Only…only all I’ve been able to think of all day is you.”

I swallow hard and try to think rationally. After all, I’m a girl detective. That is what girl detectives do. We think rationally.

But there’s something about Jordan’s proximity—not to mention the misery…and raw need…in his voice—that’s making this really difficult.

And the weight of his hands on my shoulders is very pleasant. And suddenly, I don’t even mind the smell of Drakkar Noir so much.

And in the dark, of course, I can see neither the gold necklace nor the ID bracelet he’s wearing.

I know! ID bracelet!

“I just,” I babble, trying to keep down this wave of hysteria that’s threatening to engulf me. “I just think maybe the excitement of it all—the announcement, the reporters—is getting to you. Maybe if you just go home and have an Advil—”

“I don’t want an Advil,” Jordan murmurs, drawing me close. “All I want is you.”

“No,” I say, feeling panicky at the touch of puffy shirt to my cheek. “No, you don’t. Remember? You keep telling me I’ve changed. Well, I have changed, Jordan. We both have. We’ve got to move on, and start living our own—separate—lives. That’s what you’re doing with Tania, and that’s what I’m doing with…with…’’ With who? I don’t have anybody! It isn’t fair that he has somebody, and I don’t.

“Well, with Lucy,” I finish—quite bravely, in my opinion.

“Is that what you want?” Jordan asks me, his lips alarmingly close to mine all of a sudden. “For me to be with Tania?”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

“Now you’re asking?”

And the next thing I know, he’s stooped down low and is pressing his mouth over mine.

Ordinarily I’m pretty clear-headed in situations like this. I mean, usually when a guy starts kissing me—not that this happens very often—I have the presence of mind to either tell him to stop if I don’t like it, or kiss him back if I do.

But in this particular case, I’m so surprised, I just sort of freeze. I mean, I’m still conscious of the doorknob pressing into my back, and the fact that all the lights in the house are out, which means Cooper isn’t home yet—thank God!

But beyond that, and some mild embarrassment that the drug dealers, out on the street, are whooping encouragingly, “Go for it, mon!” I don’t feel…anything.

Anything but good, I mean.

I know as well as the drug dealers that it’s been a while since I’d gotten any.

It must have been a while for Jordan, too (either that, or Tania isn’t quite pulling her weight in bed…which isn’t surprising, given that she can only weigh like one-ten, tops), because all I do is slide my arms up around his neck—force of habit, I swear—and the next thing I know, he’s slammed my body back against the door, the front of his leather pants molded to me so closely that I can feel the individual rivets on his fly…

…not to mention the thickening, er, muscle beneath those rivets.

Then his tongue is inside my mouth, and his hands in my hair…

And all I can think is OH NO.

Because he’s engaged. And not to me. And I—well, really, I am NOT that type of girl. I’m NOT.

But this little voice inside my head keeps going, Maybe this is how it’s meant to be, and Hmmm, I remember how this feels, and Well, he certainly doesn’t seem to mind those added pounds, which makes it VERY hard to do the right thing, which is push him away.

As a matter of fact, well…the little voice is making it impossible to push him away.

I guess all those choreographers were wrong. You know, about me having trouble turning off my brain and just letting my body go. Because my body is humming along just fine, without any support from my brain at all…

It begins to look as if it would behoove us to get indoors, considering the supportive shouts of the drug dealers, so I twist around and finally get the door open, and we kind of fall into the dark foyer…

…where I press both my hands against his chest and use my one last moment of sanity to say, “You know, Jordan, I really don’t think we should be doing this—”

But it’s too late. He’s already pulled my shirt from the waistband of my jeans. Next thing I know, his hands are cupping my breasts through the lace of my bra while he kisses me. Deeply. Like he means it, even.

And okay, yeah, I do think—briefly—of reminding him that just that morning, I had been reading all about his engagement—to someone else—in the paper.

But you know, sometimes your body just takes up where your mind leaves off.

And my body seems to be on autopilot, remembering all the good times it had once had with the body that’s currently pressed up against it.

And it’s pretty much begging for more.

Then it’s like I can’t think at all for a while. Except…

Well, I do have this one thought, toward the end. This thought I really wish I hadn’t had.

And that’s Wrong brother.

That’s all. Just that I’m definitely, positively rolling around on the floor with the wrong brother.

And I’m not real proud of it.

The worst part of it is, it isn’t even that good. I guess the best I can say is that it’s quick—thank God, because the hallway runner is beneath me, not the most comfortable carpet in the house. And it’s safe—Jordan came prepared, like any good Easy Street member.

Other than that, it doesn’t end up being much different than the sex we used to have every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday…

…with the obvious exception being that, this time, I’m the other woman.

I wonder if Tania ever felt as guilty about it as I do. Somehow, I doubt it. Tania doesn’t strike me as someone who ever feels guilty about anything. I once saw her throw a Juicy Fruit wrapper on the ground in Central Park. She doesn’t even feel guilty about littering.