Spring

“Would that be such a bad thing?”

“Without walls, everyone would see us.”

“I think this thing between us is beyond hiding, don’t you?”

A hollow bubble of hope swells my chest as I imagine a public life with Valerian. “What about the Darken?”

“Consummate the bond, and together, we’ll be powerful enough to go after Hellebore and destroy my grandfather’s soul once and for all.”

My throat tightens, and the question I’ve been too afraid to ask tumbles from my lips. “Do you love me?”

His eyes darken. “Truth?”

I nod, my heart pounding strangely in my chest as I await his answer.

“When I watched you walk through the restaurant earlier, pulling down your dress, your lips twisted in that adorable half-smile you get when you’re uncomfortable, totally oblivious to how every male Fae was watching you, I realized something. No matter what you look like, no matter whose body you inhabit, the bond between us will never be severed.” I’m speechless as he drags his thumb over my wavering bottom lip. “I would do anything for you, Summer Solstice. You have to know that by now. Anything. That has to be better than what you call love.”

I blink, trying to mask my disappointment. “Valerian, I told you, I want it all. You said those words once, when you explained our soulbond to me. Why can’t you say them again?”

“Because that would be a cruelty, pretending I believe in something I do not.” A frustrated sigh escapes his lips. “I’ve watched humans enough to know that human love is an illusion that fades with time, corrupting into apathy and sometimes even loathing.”

“Not always.”

“How could you want something so fragile when the magic of the soulbond is unshakeable, growing stronger with time, not weaker?”

I frown, searching for the words to explain why this is important to me. “Yes, mortal love isn’t perfect. It’s messy and complicated and not driven by magic, but choice. The choice to commit to one another forever. The choice to stay when life gets hard. When the other falls ill or gets fat or depressed or—the point is, it’s a choice between two people, not some magical bond.”

Something cold and unrecognizable flashes over his countenance. “When my mother lived in your world, she discovered this human love. She was obsessed with it, consuming every book and movie she could find about it. And when she came back to visit me, it was all she could talk about. She recounted in painstaking detail the countless mortal men she fell in love with. How wonderful and magical it all was.”

I freeze, trying to determine where he’s going with this. He’s never spoken of his mother to me before.

“She talked of your mortal love right up until the day she abandoned me, leaving me alone in the clutches of a mad, violent king and a callous father. So I think I’ve had my fill of mortal love.”

My heart aches for him. “Love isn’t what made her leave you, Valerian.”

I reach out to touch his cheek, but he catches my wrist. “Don’t. Please, Summer.”

I look down at his fingers tight around my wrist. Back up at him. Tears wet my eyes. “I can’t keep doing this, Valerian. Not if you can’t love me.”

“You say you want irrational love, but I would give my life for you, my eternal mate. Why is that not enough for you?”

The others burst into the room. They halt for an awkward second, and I think they’ve picked up on the tension in the air, but then Asher cracks some joke about getting a room and Ruby begins drawing an obscene sketch into the ice wall behind us.

Only Eclipsa and Mack seem to notice Valerian’s icy demeanor and the hurt I know is plastered over my face. Sliding from his lap, I wipe my eyes and announce that I’m throwing my name in the gauntlet.

Thankfully, Eclipsa uses that as an excuse to end the dinner.

“Early training tomorrow,” she says through a fake yawn. “Summer needs her rest before the torture begins.”

Asher scowls at her. “What do I do with the tray of ice shots I just ordered?”

Eclipsa looks from Valerian’s emotionless face to Asher and shrugs. “I think you two can figure it out.”

Right before Eclipsa portals us to our dorm, I look to Valerian as I leave, hoping for . . . I don’t know. A look that says he’s come to his senses and realized that he can love me after all. That I’m worth the pain and vulnerability that comes with that.

Instead, he gives me a cold nod that pits in my stomach.

Long after the dinner, when I’m tossing on the lower bunk, reliving everything that happened between Valerian and I, his words play over and over in my head.

I would give my life for you, my eternal mate. Why is that not enough for you?

For a Fae, especially one as dark and broken as Valerian, I know it’s probably the closest he’ll ever come to real love. That I should accept it and hope that he changes.

But I’m done sacrificing my dreams for the Evermore.

I will graduate from this academy.

I will protect the mortal world from the Fae.

And if I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone, it will be for love.

35

“Keep going, Summer!” Eclipsa yells. My glove slams into the red heavy bag over and over, making it shudder on its chain. In my periphery, I catch sight of an object flying toward my head and duck just in time.

“That was a ten pound dumbbell!” I pant, glaring at my sadistic torturer where she sits, legs crossed, on the bench opposite the mat.

“This is the last practice before the final gauntlet,” Eclipsa snarls. “Stop whining and focus!”

I still don’t know how four months flew by so fast, especially considering how brutal they’ve been. Every moment I wasn’t sleeping was dedicated to training, studying with Mack for the upcoming tests, working to unlock my powers, and wondering when Hellebore would call in his part of the bargain.

The only day in the last four months that I took a break was the day Mack and I entered—and passed—the second required gauntlet.

If I hadn’t had the smart idea to throw my name in the final gauntlet, I could have stopped my training then and focused more on studying for my final written exams, like Mack.

Instead, it was back to the grueling practices. Two hours every morning with Eclipsa, testing my accuracy with weapons.

Nights were spent trying to coax out my magic. Even with all of Eclipsa’s persistence, I’ve only used magic once, right after she told me I couldn’t stop for a drink. I was frustrated and a little hurt because Valerian had found yet another excuse not to show up to practice again, the coward.

Eclipsa and I were both tired and yelling at each other and the next thing I knew, my hydroflask was in my hand.

Apparently, I stole Eclipsa’s ability to recall objects close by. But that victory was followed by a series of failures, and today’s no different.

The timer goes off, and I lean against the heavy red bag, struggling to catch my breath.

Eclipsa frowns, uncrossing her legs. “Enough. Practice is over.”

I don’t even bother arguing as I begin stripping off my fingerless gloves, the Velcro ripping loudly. It’s the last practice before the final gauntlet next weekend, but I don’t feel half as ready as I should.

It’s no one’s fault but my own, even if I want to blame Valerian just to feel better.

When he’s here, he’s attentive and thorough. Watching my stance. Helping me with some of the new weapons. Offering suggestions. And Eclipsa doesn’t need him to train me.

I realize now he only came to my training because he wanted to be with me, not because he thought Eclipsa couldn't handle it by herself.

So it’s not fair to blame him for the sudden incompetence I feel. But I do blame him for leaving the second my sessions are over. For the cold, almost emotionless way he looks at me now.

“I’m not ready,” I groan. What was I thinking?

“Your skills are there, Summer. It’s your magic that worries me.” She chews her lip. “We have to hope that you don’t accidentally use it during the gauntlet. After that, we’ll hit it hard this summer until we figure it out.”

“We could try the water bottle again?” I mutter. But my heart really wants to conjure Valerian. To see his stupid beautiful face, even if his emotions are hidden behind an icy wall. I look to the door, not so secretly wishing he’d walk through.

Eclipsa follows my stare, and a knowing look comes over her. “Summer, I don’t know what happened between you two that night, but I know that the Winter Prince cares deeply about you.”

Cares deeply. Those two words can suck it.

“That bad, huh?” she presses.

I hop to my feet, fixing my ponytail in the wall mirror. “That night . . . I might have asked him if he’s capable of love. Loving me, specifically.”

Eclipsa’s eyebrows shoot up. “And?”

“And he doesn’t. End of story. I also might have mentioned his mom.”

“Oof.”

I focus on looping my hair tie around my ponytail rather than the hurt I feel. I hate how pouty and juvenile I sound. A relationship with Valerian will complicate my life. I should be relieved that I can finally move on and focus on my goals.

Eclipsa comes up behind me. “I warned you that our kind views that stuff differently.”

“You did, and I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot, at least, not about this. You and the prince are from two different worlds. I don’t think either of you were prepared for how different.” She meets my eyes in the mirror. “His mother claimed she loved him and then she left him, while those cruelest to him have been loyal. For him, love will always mean pain.”

“Always?”

“I know he would do almost anything for his friends, especially you. And if he’s been distant these last few months, it’s because he’s trying to find a way to give you what you want.” She walks over to her gym bag. “Love is just a word, Summer. Why put so much importance on it?”