“Yes, other fuck buddies. Or just her?”

“I’ve never had just one, Evie. Not in a long time.”

“Oh...” The nausea starts to creep back up on me again.

“I don’t want that anymore. Now I want you.”

“Why? Why me?”

He lets out a little laugh. “I don’t really know. I just knew, sitting in the truck with you in my lap, that this was it. I figured we were either gonna die together back there or get out and be together forever. I don’t question feelings like that. I must get that from my mom,” he teases.

And so it began.

Chapter Fifteen

I wake up Saturday morning feeling stronger. Last night, Storm and I decided this would be our start.

I want him. I want to be with him. I have not felt close to Michael in so long. I’ll miss what we once had, but I know I need to let go. It’s not fair for either of us for me to hang onto him like a security blanket.

Make a plan. Set attainable goals. Reward each goal. Don’t give up if things don’t go perfect.

These are all things my therapist had drilled into my head, back when I tried to seek help for my depression and lack of zest for life. My lack of direction and desire to do anything. The time when I laid in bed for days.

I would try for a few days, and then give up. Goals were scary. Plans were frustrating. Settling was easier, so much less work.

This time, I’m going to follow through. Storm is worth it. We’re worth it.

I sit in the grass and write my list in a soft leather journal. The soft cover is soothing to me. I love how the leather smells. I collect old books and journals like this one with handmade paper. Writing my wishes in this seems more appropriate than typing them into the notepad of my cell phone.

I start my list. Check Finances. Michael and I have a joint account, but also separate accounts. I have some money left over from my parent’s insurance. I’ll need to find out how much I have and how much is fair for us to split from our joint account.

Find a place to live. I can’t afford to stay in the condo. We lease it so Michael can stay if he wants and renew the lease. Where will I live? I could live with Amy, but I doubt that will work. We both like our space and privacy. Hopefully, I can afford a small studio apartment. I’ve never lived alone. The thought scares me a little bit.

My cell phone beeps and I check it.

Storm: Good morning, Sunshine.

A huge smile instantly spreads across my face.

Me: Good morning ;)

Storm: We just got on the road. What are you doing?

I take a picture of the double headstone I’m sitting with and send it to him via message.

Me: I’m here. Writing in my journal. Drinking a latte.

Storm: Baby, I would have brought you there. I always will.

Me: I know. In the summer, we’ll come together. You can help me with the flowers.

Storm: Definitely. What are you writing?

Me: A list of things I need to do to be with you.

Storm: Fuck. You just made my heart jump.

My insides do a happy dance. I love how he makes me feel.

Me: Is that good?

Storm: It’s fucking awesome. I want to jump out of this bus and run back to you

Me: LOL ... Don’t do that

Storm: Wait until I can get my hands on you :-)~

Me: :) I’m going to head back home. It’s getting overcast here.

Storm: K. I’ll text you later

I close my journal. I’ll write again later when I have some more time to think. Touching the headstone, I wonder what my parents would think of Storm. I’m sure my dad would scoff about the long hair and tattoos, but I think once they got to know him, they would have both liked him. Mom would have loved his smile and his eyes.

Michael and Amy are all I have left. My only friends, my only family. They have made me feel grounded since my parents passed, giving me a sense of having a connection to when my life was full and happy. Leaving Michael will, of course, leave a hole in my life.

I love him, but I no longer feel like I am in love with him. It took meeting Storm to make me realize that. And I hate to compare, but Michael never made my insides go to mush, even in the beginning. I never felt that closeness with him, like I could just close my eyes and melt completely into him forever. I never felt like I could tell him anything. I never came all over his face or quivered just thinking about him. I guess starting our relationship at age fourteen doomed us. We never grew or evolved. Our love was still fourteen, stuck in twenty-something people.

Mom used to say when a door closes a window opens. I will lose Michael. But that will leave me open to explore whatever is going on with Storm and me without guilt and being a bad person. Maybe we really can make this work and have a relationship

“If we are ever together, we would spend a lot of time here,” Storm said at Gram’s house. He wants me as part of his family. I could have a family again. And what a family that would be! Just thinking about it boggles my mind. Could that really be my life someday?

Baby steps.

Continuing with my list—Distance from Michael. This will be difficult. While Michael has no problems distancing himself from me whenever his attention is elsewhere, he is used to me jumping at his every whim and never saying no to what he wants or asks me to do. Our sex life is sucky at best (no pun intended), but he does like to have sex for a few minutes several times per week just to get off. Storm and I promised no sex with others as our start of focusing on being together.

Halo. Make sure new apartment is pet-friendly.

The house phone rings. I put my journal in the end table drawer and answer it.

“Hey, chickie,” Amy says brightly.

“How was your breakfast date?”

“Ugh. He was cute, but I was so damn tired, I think I looked like shit. Fucker should know women need some time in the morning. I think he does this first date breakfast on purpose to see how brain-dead and fug we look before we’re fully awake. It’s genius really.”

“What’s his name?”

“Ryan Something. I can’t remember. He’s a realtor. We’re going to have dinner tomorrow night. I kind of like him, he seems to have his shit together.”

“Well, keep me updated. He sounds interesting.”

“We shall see. Date four seems to be the magic number of whether they turn into supreme assholes or have mommy issues. So, have you talked to Storm since the show?”

“Yeah... We talked last night on the phone. He let that skank blow him.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Ev.”

“It hurts like mad, Aim. Like seriously. I want to just scream and cry, to be honest. He did apologize, though. He said he was pissed over what happened. He told me he doesn’t kiss her or touch her, just uses her and gets rid of her. That really doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better.”

“I think this is what he’s been doing for a long time. You said he hasn’t been in a relationship in years.”

“He hasn’t. Anyway, we kind of came to an agreement. He doesn’t want me having sex with Mike and he says he’s not going to touch any more skanks. He says he just wants to be with me. I made up my mind, Aim. I want to give him a chance. I’m going to put together a plan to leave Michael. I can’t just do it and leave today, though. I need to figure some stuff out.”

“Wow, Evelyn. It’s about time. I’m really proud of you.”

“I’m scared. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

“Evelyn, I’ll help you. You can do this. He’s trying, right?

I sigh and rub my forehead. “He really is, Amy. I’m trying really hard to believe he’s not going to just play with me for a while and then skip out.”

“Give him some time. Remember, this is new for him, too. Do you think you’re going to move out?”

“I know, you’re right. And yes, eventually, I will need to find like a cheap studio apartment near the office.”

“Well, lemme ask Ryan tomorrow. He might know of some places.”

“That would be great, actually. Thanks.”

“I gotta run. I’ll call ya soon.”

Our conversation brought Storm’s messing around with Juggsy back into my mind. Just the idea of her putting her glossy lips on him makes me feel sick and furious. And jealous. Knowing he went from licking me to being sucked by her makes me want to scream. Knowing there wasn’t any feeling behind it for him doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m sure there were feelings there for her. I saw how she kept her eyes on him like an eagle.

And even worse? I’ve never given a blowjob. Ever.

I pull out my goal journal and scribble, I need a Blowjobs for Dummies. Stat.

Shit is getting real.

After dinner, Michael tells me he is going out of town for work again for a few days. Three, possibly four. For the first time, I am relieved and not mad or disappointed. I just nod at him and say okay.

I do some laundry and take a long shower, trying to stall bedtime. I sit on the toilet lid and check my phone for new messages. None. I want to send Storm one, but don’t want to seem clingy. I delete some junk emails. I read a few pages of an eBook on my phone.

My phone beeps with a new message. Excited, I open up my message app. It’s not from Storm, but it’s just as good. It’s from Amy and its two photos of Storm and me. Thought you might like these, she writes. Wow. We actually do look cute together. I’m so much shorter than he is, barely making it to his shoulder. He looks huge next to me. In the first one, he’s got his muscled arms around me and we’re both smiling at the camera. In the second one, we’re not looking at the camera. He’s bent down, his head resting against mine, and I’m turned into him, my hand on his chest. Amy took this without us knowing. It’s when he told me I looked beautiful. I love this picture. I forward them over to Storm.

I wait. I don’t want to leave the bathroom until I hear back from him.

I floss. I brush my teeth. I straighten the towels.

Beep.

Storm: Look at us

Me: Amy just sent it to me. :)