“I should never have taken you there tonight, Pix. And for that I’m so f**kin’ sorry,” Austin eventually said. I could tell by the deep timbre of his voice that he meant it.
His apologetic sentence startled me. Austin seemed so torn up, so embarrassed by the events of tonight, so lifting my hand, I ran it through his messy hair in comfort. Austin’s eyes closed at my touch, looking exhausted, and he slowly began leaning toward me, until he was lying on his back, his head resting on my leg, and from his lips, he released a tired but contented sigh. It reminded me of being back in the hospital garden of remembrance all those weeks ago.
As soon as the back of Austin’s head hit my thigh, I stiffened and the usual panicked thoughts began whirring in my mind. Is my thigh too fat? Is he disgusted by what I feel like beneath the thin dress? Am I repulsive to him? Am I—
Austin was gazing up at me with his almost-blue, pearlescent scarab-esque eyes, just watching me fight through my demons. For some reason, his lack of response to my anxiety helped it fade away. Austin didn’t apologize or pander to my inner panic like he had in the past. He just stayed still and let me ride them out, only patient affection toward me in his open expression.
It was at that moment I realized I had never been so comfortable with someone in my life. It was the closest I had ever felt to normal in years, and my heart filled with a thin veil of hope. Hope that Austin could break through the iron-thick wall around my heart. Hope that this disorder might not deprive me of feeling what it was like to be in love… Hope of being able to be with someone and not cause me to tumble into my thoughts of self-hatred and despair. Hope that opening my heart wouldn’t lead it to break.
Too lost in my head, I hadn’t realized Austin was touching my face until I felt the rough pads of his fingers press gently against my lips.
My eyes slammed to his and his softened with… lust? Excitement? Could this boy actually find me attractive? No… impossible…
“You’re so f**kin’ beautiful, Pix,” he hushed out, interrupting my musings, and I felt those words resonate down in the deepest, darkest part of my soul… taking memories of the voice’s threatening slurs with them.
As I stared at the tattooed, pierced boy below me, I felt my stomach contract in need. In between my thighs was tingling, my breath was coming fast, and I felt as though something inside me was clawing to break free.
Austin’s finger was running up and down my neck, and I felt my ni**les pebble inside my small, damp bra. Austin’s finger paused over the thumping pulse on my neck, and his eyes hooded in response.
“Fuck, Pix,” he murmured and turned his head in my lap until his mouth was against my stomach. I could feel his warm breath flow between my legs, and before I could stop it, a light moan of pleasure escaped my mouth.
My fingers clutched onto Austin’s hair, my iron grip indicating the severity of my want. Pulling him closer, Austin nuzzled my lower stomach, pressing kisses to my navel through the thin black material of my dress. I felt as though I were burning, and I knew it wasn’t from the open fire blazing before me. It was Austin—patient, understanding, and beautifully scarred Austin.
“Pix, f**k, I’m dying here… dying to touch you, dying to be with you… inside you…” Austin murmured and lowered his hand to fix the crotch of his jeans.
Heat engulfed my face and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Can I do this? Can I be with him how I want to be with him? Can I bare my body? No, I can’t go that far… and I can’t take him touching my back… Will it be awkward? Will he think I’m too fat? How could I cover enough of me to help me go through with it? How…?
The dynamics of how I could actually have sex were plaguing my mind. I wasn’t a normal girl who could fall for a boy, kiss, undress, then fall between the sheets and make reckless, passionate love. There was more to this than that. It would take courage I wasn’t sure I could muster and a surge of confidence I’ve never once been able to gain.
Lexington, you cannot do this. To do this you would need to lose at least another ten pounds. And the boy could never see you naked. He would laugh. Leave you and never look back. He would—
“Don’t listen to it, Pix. Don’t let it tell you that I ain’t wanting you beneath me right now.”
The voice’s negativity disappeared into vapor, and Austin’s words sounded as soothing as the lyrics of a child’s lullaby. A lullaby that took his place, and a sense of silent peace filled my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked down. Austin’s understanding face was all I could see, and he added, “Because I do want you… real bad. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. That voice inside your head doesn’t know shit about how it is for you and me together. Doesn’t know shit but trying to force you not to eat and take all your choice away.”