Tattoos and Tatas

Wasn’t it just yesterday that Claire and I were in college, lamenting about her pesky virginity and dreaming about someday owning a business together?

Sophomore Year of College.

Still too many years ago to count…

“YOU GUYS! THERE’S a party at Pi Kappa Phi tonight! You absolutely HAVE to go!”

Claire and I glanced up from our spot on the floor of our dorm room where we’d been looking through our pile of VHS movies trying to decide if it was a Girls Just Want to Have Fun or The Lost Boys kind of night. We tried not to groan when we saw Candy standing in the doorway.

After years of us telling her point blank to her face that she was entirely too fucking chipper to be friends with us, she still hadn’t gotten the hint. Imagine our surprise when she enrolled in the same college as us two years ago and made sure we all lived in the same dorm.

“Wow, that sounds like a blast, but we have a project due on Monday testing the abhorrent amount of genetic mutations in certain female subjects with ecdysiast-related given names. Sorry,” Claire told her with a shrug.

Candy stared at her in confusion for a few seconds before rolling her eyes and giggling. “I swear, one of these days I’m going to get you two to go to a Pi Kappa Phi frat party and it’s going to change your lives.”

“Yeah, that will be the day,” Claire muttered under her breath as Candy blew us kisses and ran down the hall, shouting in excitement to a few poor souls who happened to be in her frat-party warpath.

“Remind me again why we didn’t get an apartment off campus and away from that fuck-knob?” Claire asked.

“Because we’re trying to be economical and save money for the sex club that we’re going to open as soon as we graduate,” I reminded her. “Also, ecdysiast-related given names?”

I raised my eyebrow at Claire as she pushed herself up from the floor and sat down on the bottom bunk.

“Ecdysiast means striptease performer. It was on my word-of-the-day calendar yesterday,” Claire explained before she flopped onto her back. “Also, we’re not opening a sex club. That’s just gross.”

Pushing the movies aside, I got up from the floor and joined her on the bed. We lie next to each other in silence, staring up at the wooden slats under my top bunk that I’d decorated with bumper stickers:

What’s your damage, Heather?

CORN NUTS!

Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

What’s that smell? Vampires, my friend. Vampires.

It’s called a sense of humor. You should get one, they’re nice.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Where in the fuck did that MLP one come from?

“Do you think there’s something wrong with us because we don’t like people?” I asked Claire after a few minutes. I reached up and used my fingernail to start picking at the edge of that stupid My Little Pony sticker.

Claire grabbed my wrist and pulled it away. “Don’t take that one down, I like it!”

“Seriously? My Little Pony? What are we, ten?”

Claire shrugged, sliding her hands behind her head. “I have a feeling they’re going to make a comeback someday. Leave MLP alone.”

With an irritated scowl, I rolled onto my side to face her. “So, seriously. Are we weird?”

Claire turned her head to face me. “No, we aren’t weird. We just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Who cares if we haven’t gone to a Pi Kappa Phi party yet and made out with random douchebags? I mean really, those parties are crawling with STDs. You could probably get knocked up just by ringing the doorbell.”

We both laughed at that thought and then it got quiet again.

Even though we’d been to plenty of frat parties during our two years of college, we’d avoided Pi Kappa like the plague. That was the house known for its jocks and snotty rich boys. It was also the house that threw the best fucking parties on the planet, though, and pretty much everyone at this school and every school within a seventy-five mile radius showed up. Except for Claire and I.

“Do YOU feel like we’re weird because we haven’t been to one yet? I mean, if that’s the case, I would totally suffer through a Pi Kappa party to make you happy,” Claire informed me. “Just because it isn’t my idea of fun, doesn’t mean it’s not yours. Who knows? You could meet the love of your life there.”

Claire moved her hands under her chin and fluttered her eyelashes at me. “Oh, you big, strong, frat boy! Please, do another keg stand to pledge your undying love for me!”

I punched her in the arm as I laughed. “Oh, shut up, you whore. I’m pretty sure I won’t meet the love of my life or even someone worth a one-night stand at one of those things, but it might be nice to check one out and see what all the fuss is about. I mean, this is our sophomore year. We should do something memorable.”

Claire looked at me in mock horror. “Oh, my God! You mean watching movies or going to the boring frat parties where they serve h’orderves and cups of tea every Friday night while we smuggle in Boone’s Farm in our purses isn’t memorable?”

Speaking of Boone’s Farm…

I quickly scrambled off the bed and pulled two bottles of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill out from under the bed and held them up.

Claire immediately started laughing, sprang forward and grabbed one of the bottles out of my hand and unscrewed the top. “Jesus, we’re so fucking classy. It doesn’t get much better than screw-tops.”