Taut: The Ford Book

“Ford—”

I squeeze her a little to make her stop. “Don’t bother. My mom has already said it multiple times. Everyone said it over and over. But none of them were there. If I could dig down four feet, I could’ve dug down three and saved Rob. Or four feet and saved Steve. He was practically right next to Rob. I could’ve saved two people that day if I was rational, but instead I let everyone die because I decided to try and save my dad instead. Hell, I’m the one who caused the f**king slide in the first place. So you can tell yourself I didn’t kill them, but I absolutely did. Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but it hardly matters to the families left behind, does it?”

Ashleigh has nothing to say to that. And I don’t blame her. There’s nothing to say.

She starts shivering uncontrollably and I haul both our asses up off the frozen ground and lead her back to the truck by the hand. When I open her door the heat rushes out and I check Kate real fast. She’s still asleep so I go around to my side and get in.

“I’m sorry,” Ashleigh whispers. “It sucks. And there’s really nothing anyone can say to make it better. It just… sucks.”

I navigate us back onto the highway. It’s fully dark now, just the headlights out in front to break the black that surrounds us. There are no streetlights here. There are no cars behind us and several minutes can go by before another car comes from the west heading towards us.

“I’m lonely,” Ashleigh says with a sigh. “It’s dark and empty here and that’s exactly how I feel right now.”

“You have Kate,” I offer up. But it’s a half-hearted attempt because I feel the exact same way. Everything sucks right now. I have nothing. At least she has a baby that needs her, depends on her for everything and loves her back.

Ashleigh rubs her eyes to stop the new tears. “I know, and I should be thankful about that. Things can always get worse, so I should just shut the f**k up and be happy with what I have.” She looks back at her daughter and I know she’s crying again, just silently this time. “But I’m so far from satisfied I just want to curl up in a dark corner and die. Because part of making a family is getting to experience life with the person you love. You know?” She looks over at me but I have nothing to say. What do I say? “And I don’t have that anymore. So who gives a shit about her but me? Who do I celebrate all her firsts with?”

“Your parents? His parents?”

“My mom’s dead and my father—” She snorts a little at the mention of her dad. “He’s ashamed of me. And Tony’s parents absolutely hate me. They’ve never even seen her.”

“What? Haven’t they seen a picture?” I don’t get this.

Ashleigh shakes her head. “No, nothing. It’s like…” She stops and looks out into the darkness for a few seconds. “It’s like no one even cares about me. And I think…” She stops again to try and swallow down whatever it is she’s feeling. “I think I’d be OK with that, if I just had him, ya know? I could live with all the rest of it if we were in it together. Is that how you feel about Rook? Like, you could give it all another shot and live through the next day if she was with you?”

Is that how I feel? “No,” I conclude. “No, actually, that’s not how I feel about her at all. I just want her around. I like her company. I want to try normal things with her, like—well, just normal things.”

“Oh.” This defeats Ash and she turns away from me and faces the darkness again. But I can still see her reflection in the window from the dim dashboard lights.

“She’s pretty though, she’s a model.”

“Figures,” Ashleigh snorts. “You’re handsome, Ford, I’m sure your girlfriends are all beautiful, so I’m not surprised.”

I’m not even sure what to say in response. I’ve never had an actual girlfriend and I’ve never had a conversation with a girl about this kind of stuff. Hell, I might never’ve had this kind of conversation with anyone about this stuff. “Well, she used to be a model, now she’s an out-of-work reality show receptionist. But she doesn’t need the money. Ronin has enough to keep her happy forever, I suppose.”

“What’s Ronin do?”

“He’s a model too.”

Ash snorts loudly this time. “You’re totally f**king with me.”

I laugh a little. “No, really. He lives this life straight out of Cinderella, only he’s the f**king long lost princess. I don’t get it. It’s not fair to get handed things so easily.”

“My sister’s like that. She’s got everything. My father gave her a position in the company a few years ago. She’s older than me. Taller, skinnier, prettier, smarter, politer. And she’s got this perfect husband.” Ashleigh stops to stick her finger in her mouth and pretend to gag. “And she never got pregnant out of wedlock, so that’s like the golden ticket to everything as far as my father’s concerned.”

“Yeah, but you have Kate, so you win.”

She looks over to me and smiles through her tears. “I do have her, so I do win.”

A sign for an upcoming town passes by on the road. “We should just stop for the night. It’s not late, but I’m ready to get the f**k out of this truck, how about you?”

“I don’t care what we do, Ford. I’m happy to put off the inevitable forever, I think. I’m not even sure I want to go see him now anyway. It’s not like anything will change. Nothing will change. I’ll still be alone in the end.”