Tear

It smelled like a boy too, but it felt good against my face.

I dried off, and threw on the sweats. They were huge on me, but at least I felt more comfortable than I had before in the tiny dress and high heels.

I opened the door just in time to see Alec take his shirt off. I told my mouth to close, but it was pointless.

His body was muscled in all the right places, not an ounce of fat on him. A large angel wing tattoo spread across his right shoulder and part of his collarbone, another one was on his stomach. His one arm had a half-sleeve of different markings. Curious, I stepped forward. He still hadn’t seen me.

I think I scared him as much as I scared myself when I reached out and touched his skin.

“Crap!” he yelled. “Sorry, Nat, I was lost in thought. Didn’t see you.” His breath smelled like peppermint.

I shook my head. “What does this mean?” I touched the foreign writing on his collarbone and traced it until it met another smaller tattoo near his stomach. It was a pair of hands holding a heart. He flinched as if my touch hurt him.

The tattoo wasn’t in English. It spread across his chest and ran into the design on his right shoulder.

His eyes looked sad as he looked away. “It means my heart will be yours forever.”

“Why did you get it?”

He jerked away and looked down. “For my son.”

“You have a son?” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. How did I not know this? I hadn’t seen anything about it on the gossip sites.

“Had a son. I had a son, Nat. He died.” Alec stepped away from me and went into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.

I wanted to cry.

Cry for Alec and the hurt expression in his face, and for the child that no longer had life. I hadn’t lost anyone before. I couldn’t imagine the depth of despair it would be for a parent to lose a child, especially a teen parent. You would feel so helpless.

I sighed and climbed into his huge bed.

Within minutes Alec came out of the bathroom. He turned off the lights and grabbed some pillows and a blanket from the foot of the bed.

He didn’t say a word.

“Alec,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” His voice was hoarse.

“I’m sorry.”

He sighed. “Nat, you didn’t know. It’s fine.”

“Alec,” my voice cracked.

“Nat? Are you crying?”

It was too dark to see, but the bed heaved under the pressure of Alec sitting next to me. I could see the outline of his body from the moonlight as my eyes adjusted to the dark. He was wearing shorts, but no shirt.

“Maybe,” I answered. I couldn’t explain my behavior. I was crying over someone I didn’t even know.

“Why? Is something wrong? Tell me what’s wrong? Is this about Demetri?” His breath was hot on my face.

I shivered.

“Are you cold?” He grabbed a blanket and threw it over me. Great, now I was going to sweat to death.

“I don’t mean to cry, Alec. It’s just. I’ve never lost anyone before, and to think of losing a part of you, a child. I just. I don’t know. I’m just so sorry it makes my heart hurt to think about it.” I reached out and touched his arm. This time he didn’t flinch.

“Nobody’s ever said that to me.” His breathing was slow and calculated. “I mean, nobody knew but Demetri, and as you can see he deals with problems a little differently than I do.”

I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “What was his name?”

“Benjamin.”

“How did he die?”

Alec sighed then slowly lay down on the bed next to me on top of the covers. “It was my fault.”

“How was his death your fault?”

Alec laughed bitterly. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Nat. I haven’t always been so… boring.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Alec repeated. “Let’s just say his mother was a one night stand, but the minute I found out she was pregnant I told her I would help out. We paid her off, to keep it out of the media. It was right when we started getting really big.”

“Ah, the infamous MTV concert.”

Alec laughed softly. “Yes, the MTV concert. We signed with a bigger record label and had to stay out of trouble. I was only sixteen.”

Ouch.

“So how was it your fault?”

Alec was silent for a few minutes. “Benjamin’s mom was in rehab, Nat. She was so messed up, but I was so busy and things were happening so fast for us, that I didn’t really pay attention to her when she got out. I told her I’d visit her, but had to keep canceling when they added more cities to our concert tour.”

The only sound in the room was that of my own breathing and his.

“The night we found out we were nominated for a few Grammys, Benjamin’s mom got in a car accident. Both her and Benjamin were killed on impact.”

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I blindly searched for his hand and held it.

He pulled me as close as he could with the blankets covering me and sighed. “Please Nat, please don’t tell anyone. You don’t understand. Nobody knows this. I don’t want my son’s picture thrown around TV. I don’t want him remembered as some bastard child by a punk rock star.”

“Nobody would think that.”

“Yes…” He sighed heavily. “They would. And I refuse to let that happen.”