Marty laughs and looks at me. “What’d you think I was doing?” His eyes cut to Amber and he startles. He does a double take. “Oh. Oh!” He smacks me lightly with the back of his hand. “Miss Dirty Brain!”

Amber’s voice is hard. She glares at me. “What, you think I said all the crap in the stairwell for—fun?”

I’m glad Amber’s nuts. I’m glad she’s always the same, always a bit bitchy. My hands fly up, palms facing her. “I don’t know my ass from my elbow. Do what makes you happy, Amber, just don’t do it on my new bed.” I giggle and jump on it and fall back. The throw pillows that were so neatly stacked get squashed under my head, while the rest tumble to the floor.

“Awh, it took twenty minutes to get those just right,” Marty whines.

I smile and sink into the new pillows and sigh happily.

“Yeah, but look at her face.” Mel says. Her hard edges soften a bit. She glances at Marty. “You did a good thing, here. I’m glad you weren’t doing that thing over there, because I’d have to smack you around with a stupid stick for that.” Mel jabs her thumb at Amber.

“I can hear you,” Amber sneers as she answers from her bed.

“I know,” Mel yells back and rolls her eyes. “I said it loudly, you daft hoe.”

Amber mutters something, but I talk over her. “You guys are great. Thank you. I needed this.”

Marty grins and claps his hands like he’s five. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say. You know what happens now, right?” A huge grin sweeps across his face. “Sleepover!”

Amber groans and covers her head with a pillow, while Marty shows me the inflatable beds with matching sheets that he put in one of the drawers under my new bed. We stay up until everyone passes out—everyone except me.

I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Sean’s face and hear his words, I’m going to tell Black to send another girl. You can go.

CHAPTER 4

The days pass slowly with little sleep. It’s hump day. Three days since I last saw Sean. Three days since he ripped a hole in my heart. In two days I will work for Miss Black and not get paid. In two days I will pay for my mistakes. I can’t think about it. Not now.

I slip out of bed before Amber and jump into the shower. The hot water beats some of the tension out of my sore body. Quietly, I move in the room and get ready for the day. As I dress, I look for my Mom’s cross. I feel myself sinking and I want it. I dig through my jewelry and fail to see the necklace.

The last time I had it was over the weekend at Mom’s grave—then the beach. A shiver slips over my spine. If it fell out of my pocket at the beach, I’ll never find it again. I dig through my dresser again, but it’s not there. A frantic feeling is squeezing my throat. I find the clothes from the beach—still filled with sand—and dig through the pockets. My chest constricts. I can’t breathe.

My eyes have the stinging panicky thing going on when Mel pushes the door open. “It’s pancake day. Get a move on girl.” She snaps her fingers at me. Amber rolls over, muttering nasty comments at Mel. Mel steps inside and finally takes a good look at my face. “What’s the matter?”

“I lost my mom’s necklace. It isn’t here.” I clutch my face, trying not to freak out. I turn to Mel and drop my hands to my sides. “I must have dropped it on the beach.”

Mel knows how much that necklace means to me. A sad smile softens her features. Mel jerks her head toward the door and says, “No problem. Field 5, here we come.”

“But—”

“But nothing, Avery. Come on. I bet we have time to grab some hotcakes to eat in the car. It’s not the same thing, but it’ll be better than nothing. There’s an hour and half before class. We can totally make it there and back in time. Come on.” Mel turns and heads out the door.

I’m on her heels. We pretty much run to her car. Mel is wearing a nice pair of jeans with rhinestones on the back pockets and a form fitting sweater that shows off her curves. I’m wearing ratty jeans with holes in the knees, a tank, and my holey sweater. The wind cuts through it, stinging my skin.

Mel takes a fast detour through a McDonald’s drive-thru and grabs us breakfast. Then, she speeds out to Jones Beach. The bridges are empty at this time of day. The only people up this early are deer and cops.

Mel stuffs her face with a pancake rolled up like a burrito. When make it to the parking lot, she says, “Okay, we have about 45 minutes before we have to leave. I know where you guys were, but let’s start from where you parked and then head out onto the sand.” I nod and point to where we parked that day. Mel rolls the car into a slot and kills the engine. We both get out and start looking.

The huge parking lot is empty. The wind blows hard, tangling my hair behind me. When I see the beach, a new set of memories floods my mind. Sean. His hands, his touch. Oh God. I wish I never met him. I wish he ignored me that night, like every other person on that road. Why’d he have to help? Why’d I ever talk to him? Every time I blink, I see Sean’s eyes and hear his voice. His smile comes racing back. Everything from the kite hitting his head to the way his lips pressed against mine comes back in a rush.

“You okay there, Avery?” Mel says, staring at me.

My eyes are wide. I haven’t blinked. I’m gazing at the sandy boardwalk leading out to the beach. Clutching my hands into fists, I work my jaw and say, “I’m fine. Let’s go.”

We spend the next hour looking through the sand. Basically, we wander the beach, barefoot and sweep the sand away looking for something silvery and glittering beneath the surface. As it gets closer and closer to time to leave, my heartbeat turns panicked. Where is it? Eventually, I give up trying to locate it with my feet. I’m sifting through the sand on my hands and knees, but I can’t find Mom’s necklace. It’s the last piece of her that I have. My brow is pinched with remorse. It doesn’t matter where we look or how far we fan out.

Mom’s necklace is gone.

I sit back on my knees and look up at the sky. It’s gray with streaky white clouds. Pressing my eyes closed, I stop thinking.

Mel watches me. I feel her eyes on my face. A moment later, she’s standing next to me. I feel her hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes and look up at her. “It’s not here, Avery.”

I stand and brush the sand off my jeans. I’m frozen to the core. I look out at the waves pounding into the sand. I wish my heart would freeze. I wish I didn’t feel so much. I can’t handle this. I can’t bear what my life’s become.

Mel snaps her fingers in front of my face. When I don’t react, she grabs my shoulders and twists me toward her. “It’s not here, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.”

“You’re too nice.” I breathe, still numb.

This can’t be happening. My heart races as I glance around, looking at everything, but seeing nothing. Panic is strangling me. I feel it, but I don’t let it overcome me even though I want to, even though I feel the need to fall to my knees and scream that life isn’t fair. My hysteria gets shoved back into its box. One day it’ll spring on someone like a crazed jack-in-the-box and scare the shit out of them.

Mel’s laugh pulls me back to the present. I glance at her. Mel has a doubtful smile on her face. “Too nice? That’s not something I hear every day.” Mel sighs. Tilting her head, she says, “Come on. Nothing good is going to come from sitting out here and freezing our asses off. Let’s go to class. I’ll help you pull apart your room later. I bet it fell behind the dresser or some dumb shit.” Mel’s words are kind, but I hear it in her voice—she knows I lost it. She knows the necklace will never been seen again, and she’s worried about me. She thinks I’m coming unglued, that I’m about to fall apart.

Swallowing hard, I follow her back to the car. As we walk, my eyes scan the sand dunes, the spaces between the boards, and finally the sandy parking lot. Nothing. My mother’s cross is gone. The wind whips my hair into my face and stings my skin. I wish to God that I never came out here with Sean. I lost so much that day, more than I could bear to lose.

I refuse to fall apart. I refuse to succumb to the sensations choking me, to the stabbing pain in my hollowed-out heart. I won’t turn to dust. This will not destroy me. I am strong.

Sucking in the cold air, I let it fill my lungs until they ache. I hold it a beat longer than I should and let it out slowly. My breath makes a long, white cloud. My fingers ball up at my sides as I wonder why I can’t give up, why I can’t simply fall to the ground and die. I’ll survive this, I know I will.

That necklace wasn’t holding me together. Something else is—something strong—but I have no idea what it is.

CHAPTER 5

Time passes painfully slow. I stare, not looking, not listening. Lectures blur together and I move through campus like a robot. I smile when I should, wave at my friends, and basically go through the day on autopilot. It isn’t until my lab with Marty that he calls me on it.

“Avery,” Marty says, leaning in and pinching my arm.

“Owh!” I finally glance at him and actually see him. For the first time since we left the beach, my eyes focus and I actually see him. “What’d you do that for?”

“You’re mixing the wrong stuff together. Snap out of it! You’ve had this glazed over look on your face all day.” He watches me for a second.

Surprised, I flinch and look up at him. His brown eyes are like big candies. He’s nothing but sweetness and I’m nothing but bitter. “Sorry,” I say, and tuck a curl behind my ear. I reach for the lab sheet and confirm my mistake.

“There’s nothing to apologize for—well, not unless you blow us to kingdom come. Why don’t I do the lab and you fill out the sheet?” I smile weakly at him and sit down on my stool, taking the paper in my hands.

“So,” Marty says, his eyes darting over to my seat occasionally, “What are your plans this weekend?”