The Lost Book of the White

“We don’t have a way back,” said Alec. “We’ll need to find one.”

“So let’s find one,” said Simon in that same flat tone. “That should be the plan. Find a way to leave. Then leave.” He looked up at Jace hopefully. “Come back with reinforcements. You love reinforcements.”

“Magnus is still in danger,” Alec said. “We have to figure out how to deal with the Svefnthorn.”

“Well,” said Simon, “maybe it would be easier to find a solution somewhere other than literally in Hell.”

Clary was walking over with Isabelle. She looked wary. “Simon,” she said. “This isn’t like you.”

“This isn’t even your first trip to a hell dimension,” Jace pointed out.

Simon turned around now, and Alec had expected to see tears, given the tone of Simon’s voice. But there were no tears. Instead Simon’s face burned with barely contained rage.

“It’s too much,” he said quietly. “It’s too much gambling with people’s lives.” He wouldn’t look at them. “With all your lives.”

“Simon…,” said Clary again. “We’ve been through so much already and we’re okay. You’ve been undead, you’ve been invulnerable. You’re one of the only people alive to have seen an angel, and you’ve been in the presence of two different Princes of Hell. You killed Lilith!”

“The Mark of Cain killed Lilith,” said Simon in a colorless tone. “I just happened to be there.”

“Being a Shadowhunter—” Alec began to say, but to his surprise, Isabelle stopped him with a glare.

Simon lifted his head. He looked lost, distant. “We went through the Portal, gambling we’d be able to get back. You gave yourself to the demons,” he added to Isabelle. He sounded sick. “You were gambling you’d be able to get away. Tian pretended to betray us. Gambling he’d be able to save Isabelle once Sammael wasn’t watching him.”

“But that all worked out,” said Jace. “I mean, I guess we don’t know how we’ll get back from Diyu yet, but given all the Portals everywhere…”

“It’s too much gambling,” said Simon. “You can’t win every time. Eventually you lose.”

“But not yet,” said Alec.

Simon glowered. “In May,” he said, his voice shaking, “I watched George Lovelace die screaming. For no reason. He drank from the Mortal Cup and he burned and he died. He was no different than me. No less worthy of Ascension. If anything, he was more worthy than me.”

No one spoke.

“It was the final lesson of the Academy,” he said quietly. “Shadowhunters die. They just… die for no reason.”

“It’s a dangerous job,” said Jace.

“George wasn’t doing anything dangerous,” Simon ground out. “He didn’t die in a noble act of sacrifice; he didn’t die because a demon got the better of him. He died because sometimes Shadowhunters die, and it isn’t for anything. It just is. That was the lesson.”

“Isabelle was rescued,” said Alec. “You’re rescued. Tian is okay.”

“This time!” Simon laughed. “Yes, this time it worked out. What about next time? And by the way, next time is tomorrow. How do you do it?” he said, looked around at them helplessly. “How do you risk yourself and everyone you love, over and over again?”

Isabelle went to Simon and put her hands on his shoulders. He looked up into her eyes, searching for something there. Alec knew what he himself would say: that this was the gig. That being a Shadowhunter was a high and lonely task, that being chosen for such a purpose was a gift and a curse, that its risk was precisely why it was so important, that he had fought with Simon for years now and Simon was definitely, obviously worthy of being one of the Nephilim. He thought of Isabelle, her ferocity, her intensity, her commitment, and he expected her to say something like what he himself would say.

But she didn’t. Instead she put her arms around Simon and hugged him tightly. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know. It doesn’t always make sense, my love. Sometimes it makes no sense at all.”

Simon made a low, choked sound, and buried his head against Isabelle’s neck. She held him there, still and silent.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“He has to understand,” Alec said very quietly.

Isabelle gave a tiny nod of her head. “He does understand,” she said. “Just—give us one second, okay?”

Clary bit her lip. “I love you, Simon,” she said. “I love you both.”

She turned and walked away, and the others followed: as Simon’s parabatai, in an odd sort of way, it was Clary’s call. Alec could hear Isabelle murmuring softly to Simon, until they had moved far enough away that the sound disappeared.

“Isabelle’s right,” Clary said, once they had returned to the nave. “Simon knows—he’s just hurting. It’s only been a few months since he lost George.” She leaned against one of the stone walls. “I wish I could do more. Be a better parabatai. Fighting alongside someone you love isn’t just about fighting more effectively. It’s also about supporting each other when things go wrong.”

“We know exactly what you mean,” Alec said, looking at Jace. “And you are a good parabatai, Clary. Watching you and Simon together—”

“It’s like seeing the two of us,” Jace said, indicating himself and Alec. “Strength and beauty. Perfect harmony. Skill and intuition, exactly matched.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “Are you strength or beauty?”

“I think we all know the answer to that,” said Jace.

“You really are a very strange group of people,” observed Tian.

Jace grinned. Alec knew he’d been trying to lighten the mood, and he’d succeeded. “Maybe we should find somewhere to sleep. I thought I saw some larger benches, down the other transept.”

“How will we know to wake up?” Alec said, realizing. “It’s not like the sun’s going to rise down here.”

Clary perked up, drawing her stele. “Let me see your arm,” she said. Alec held it out and she scrawled a shape he hadn’t seen before onto his arm, a circle with a number of radiating arms of different lengths curving in a spiral from its center. Clary counted under her breath as she drew it, then said, “There. Something I’ve been working on. Alarm rune. It’ll go off in seven hours.”

“Or you could use your phone,” said Jace.

Clary shrugged. “Runes are more reliable. Also cooler.”

“The Alliance rune is still your best work,” said Alec, smiling.

“They can’t all be world-savers,” said Clary. “Sometimes you just need to wake up on time.”

“No, I mean, it’s the thing you were talking about,” said Alec. “It lets us share our strength with each other. Not just our strength—our vulnerabilities, too.”

Clary looked over at Magnus and then back at Alec. She smiled a little, though she was still clearly worried about Simon. “Well… I’m glad I could give that to you.”

Jace took her hand, drawing her close. His arms went around her. Clary laid her head against Jace’s shoulder, and he closed his eyes; Alec knew what he was feeling, for he felt it himself, whenever he was with Magnus. That inner wonder at the enormity of love, how the joy of it was so intense it was nearly tinged with pain. Jace rarely spoke of his feelings, but he didn’t need to: Alec could read them on his face. Jace had chosen Clary to love, just as Alec had chosen Magnus, and he would love her forever and with his whole heart.

Jace brushed his lips against Clary’s hair and released her; she took his hand. With a crooked smile, Jace mouthed “See you” to Alec, and headed off with Clary into the dark shadows in the depths of the cathedral.

“I suppose I should bid you good night as well,” Tian began, then paused. Isabelle and Simon had descended the steps into the nave. They were holding hands, and Simon looked a little abashed.

“Sorry about that,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Alec. “You said it yourself. It’s been a day.”

Tian and Magnus stepped back a bit, giving Alec a moment with his sister and Simon. Alec thought he saw the tracks of recent tears on Simon’s face. It didn’t make him respect Simon any less; in fact, he thought, he might respect him a little more.

Simon looked at him steadily. “I think I just have to get used to not being invulnerable anymore. It’s not like being a vampire—or having the Mark of Cain—was a nonstop party, but it was a nice insurance policy. That’s gone now.” Simon straightened his shoulders. “I signed up to fight,” he said. “I wanted to be a Shadowhunter so much. So now I am, and now I fight. It would be great if you didn’t have to constantly work to preserve the things and the people you love, but… you do.”

“That’s being a Shadowhunter,” said Alec.

Simon shook his head. “No, that’s being a person. At least as a Shadowhunter my work involves exotic travel and awesome hand-to-hand combat.”

Isabelle kissed him on the cheek. “Never doubt that you are a badass, sweetie.”

“See?” said Simon. “My life rules. My girlfriend has a flame whip! That’s a true statement I just made.”

“You two get out of here before my brotherly instincts kick in,” Alec said, and the two of them went off to find someplace private to rest.

Alec looked around and saw Magnus engaged in conversation with Tian. Magnus had White Impermanence free of its sheath, and Tian was speaking intently while gesturing to it. Curious, Alec went to join them.

Magnus looked up as he joined them, and Alec was startled yet again by the changes in him. His face seemed narrower, his features sharper. His eyes glowed luminous green in the dim light. There was something hungry in his look, like a vampire who had not fed in a long time.