The Next Best Thing

“That was very nice,” Ryan said. “A little sting from the jalapenos, but I kinda liked it. Sweet, with a little bite.”

“That’s me,” Faith said.

His expression became rather wolfish. “Really.”

“Well, I don’t actually know, but...it’s sort of me, maybe.” Flustered, she took a bite of nachos. Hannah O’Rourke (or possibly Monica) brought her another glass of wine, bless her.

“So I have a list of my own,” Ryan said.

“You do? That’s great!” Kindred spirits. Made her feel less freakish.

“You ready?”

“Sure.” She sat back and smiled. “Fire away.” She took a bite of the nachos.

Ryan grinned. “Do you like being spanked?”

She sucked a bit of jalapeno into her lung and wheezed. “Excuse me?” She coughed (and coughed, and coughed), then took a sip of her wine. “Um...I can’t really say. I’ve never been...spanked.”

“So you’re a spanking virgin?” He licked his lips.

“I— You know, I think that book everyone was reading last year? That may have given the wrong impression. You know, about women wanting to have violence perpetrated against them. So. That’s off the table.”

“How about handcuffs?”

“Again...uh...not a lot of experience. And not seeking any.” Crap. Was there a way to keep this date from going down the toilet faster than her black wraparound sweater? Her brain groped around for a solution and came up empty.

“Do you like being submissive? Would you have a problem calling me Master?”

“No, and yes. That’s really not my thing, Ryan. Maybe we can shift course here, huh?”

“Hey.” The puppy dog look returned. “I answered your questions. It’s only fair.”

Faith took a slow breath. It’d be so nice to just walk away now. She could. However, she really didn’t feel like seeing the look on Levi’s face if she did. “Fine. Go for it.”

“Great!” Ryan clapped like a little kid. “Would you like it if I locked you in my boudoir for twelve hours and only left you a glass of water?”

“Do men have boudoirs? Because that’s a very girly term to me. And no. I’d get very hungry.”

“I see. I suppose I could slide some slices of baloney under the door.”

“Baloney? I’d need more than that.”

“Maybe some American cheese?”

“No,” Faith said. “I would require a gourmet pizza with shrimp, mustard and pesto from The Red Salamander, a bottle of chardonnay, and at least one pint of Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Brittle.”

“I see.”

“Also, I wouldn’t let you lock me anywhere. I’d kick you in the nuts if you tried that, buddy.”

“Oh! Awesome!” Ryan beamed. For the love of all that was holy... “What if I came in dressed as Zorro with absolutely nothing on under my cape?”

“You look nothing like Antonio Banderas. I would have to reject you. I imagine I’d laugh.” Jeremy was going to have to pay for this, oh, yes indeedy. And speaking of the town’s beloved doctor, where was he? “Hannah? Can we have the—”

Ah, hell. Levi was looking at her, a slight smirk on his face. And even if Ryan was a pervert with a terrible imagination, at least he was into her. “Never mind,” she told the girl. She turned her gaze back to Ryan of the Debauched Dimples. “Next question.”

“Great! Okay, say you were my cleaning woman, and you were on your hands and knees in my kitchen and I came in. What would you say?”

“I’d say, ‘Why is this floor so filthy? Can’t you learn to lean over the table?’”

“And I would say, ‘Take off the uniform, Cinder-Slut, and put your skills to other uses.’”

Faith folded her hands. “I would say, ‘No, sir, I will not! I require that you hie unto the market and buy me the Clorox Cleanup I asked you to get last week.’”

Ryan looked a little confused. “Uh...then I’d say, ‘Do as I say, serving wench!’”

“No, no, that won’t work,” Faith said, “See, I’m the cleaning lady, not the serving wench. Now I lost my character’s motivation. Scene.”

“You’re not doing this right, Faith,” he said, a sulky note in his voice.

“And you’re a fairly unimaginative perv,” she returned. “The maid is the best you can come up with? Yawn.”

Ryan’s phone buzzed. “I have to answer this,” he grumbled.

“By all means,” she said. Someone plunked into the seat next to her.

“Hey, Pru!” Faith said. “How’s it going?”

“Great. Got a quick question for you. Am I interrupting?”

“Not one bit.” Ryan was muttering into the phone, his hand cupped around it so she wouldn’t hear.

“Okay, well, here’s the thing. Carl’s sexting me.”

“Wow. I... Wow.”

“Check this out. What color panties r u wearing? Do I tell the truth? Because I think it’s the ones with the squirrels riding their little sleds. Or should I make something up?”

“Um, you know, do what you think is best,” Faith said. More wine would be called for very soon.

“Tell him you got on a red thong, and you want him to take it off with his teeth,” Ryan offered, pausing in his phone conversation. “Or even better, tell him you’re not wearing any panties at all. And that you’d like to play serving wench and master when you get home.”

Prudence stared at him. “This is your date?” she asked Faith.

“Sorry to say, yes, he is.”

“I have to go,” Ryan said. “My mama has a wax ball in her ear. Faith, what do you say? Wanna hook up? The ear will only take a minute, and it’s easier with two people, since she needs to be restrained.”

“I’ll take a pass,” Faith said. “Good luck.” Ryan threw a few bills down on the table and left, grumbling about the lies of erotic fiction.

Pru was texting. “Being sexy is exhausting,” she said. “I’m wearing a thong,” she narrated. “Come and get it, big boy. You know what I miss, Faith? My periods. At least then, I’d have a few days off. And when a woman yearns for her periods, that’s a sign that the end of days is coming.” Her phone chirped, and she paused to read. “Ah, shit. Look at this.”

She shoved her phone across the table so Faith could read.  am deeply  disturbed. be more careful with the send button, for the love of god. will  accept gifts to undo the psychological damage just inflicted. xox your son,  Ned

“I think I might divorce Carl if this keeps up,” Pru said. “Okay. Gotta go screw my husband. Sorry your date was an ass. Talk tomorrow.” Her sister kissed her on the cheek and left.

Faith slid out of the booth. Jeremy was gone, apparently, but Levi was still at the bar, and Dad, as well as Jack now, too. And speaking of Dad, he seemed to be having a good time...and with a woman! Oh, with two! How thrilling! Cathy Kennedy, chooser of odd Bible verses but otherwise quite nice, and another woman Faith didn’t know. Levi said something, allowing a faint hint of a smile cross his face. Faith’s girl parts gave a sudden, hard tug.

“Sweetpea! Over here!” Dad called, and wasn’t he in the most jocular mood tonight! At least one of them was having luck with the opposite gender. She went to her dad, who slipped an arm around her, and smiled broadly at her potential stepmother.

“Honey, you remember Mrs. Kennedy, right?”

“Of course I do, Dad. Nice to see you again, Mrs. Kennedy. I had a great time at Bible Study the other day.”

“Call me Cathy, sweetie. This is my wife, Louise.”

Hemorrhoid! Why were all the good ones g*y? “Very nice to meet you, Louise,” Faith said, trying not to sigh.

“You’re going to Bible Study?” Jack muttered.

“With Goggy,” she muttered back.

“Trying to get the house in the will?”

“I think I’ve earned it, don’t you?”

“Wasn’t that the most interesting verse?” Mrs. Kennedy said. “Boys, we were discussing the history of blood rituals in the Old Testament. Circumcision, human sacrifice, that sort of thing.”

“Makes me a believer,” Jack said.

“This verse was about circumcision with a flint stone,” Faith added, giving her big brother a look. “You wonder why some traditions die out. I mean, flint was good enough back then...why fix it if it ain’t broke?”

“So how was the crop this year, John?” Mrs. Kennedy asked, and Dad started on his favorite subject.

“How was your date, sis?” Jack asked.

“Wonderful,” she answered, as Levi was in hearing range. “Very charming guy.” But Levi wasn’t looking at her; instead, he stood up and opened his arms as his sister approached. Sarah Cooper dropped her backpack and went right to her brother, hugging him tight.

“Thank God I’m home,” Sarah said. “I thought my brain would explode.”

“From an entire week at college?” Levi said.

“Listen, G.I. Joe. You have no idea how hard it is.” She rested her head on his shoulder, and Levi kissed her hair, and the gesture was so unexpectedly sweet and natural that Faith found herself...softening. Levi might be a pain in the ass, but his sister loved him. Jack, on the other hand, had only done things like film her seizures and hide in her closet with a knife when she was nine.

“I can’t imagine you giving me a hug in public,” she told him.

“Me, neither,” Jack said. “You’re so irritating.”

“No, I’m not,” she said, grinning. “I’m your favorite sister.”

“Only because you used to live three thousand miles away,” he said. “These days, it’s a toss-up.”

“Well, even if you wanted to hug me, I’d never let you, because you smell funny and don’t know how to eat in public and—oof!”

Jack had grabbed her in a bear hug, lifting her off her feet. “God, you’re heavy,” he grunted. “Lay off those Girl Scout cookies.”

“Shut up and put me down,” she said, smacking him on the head.

Dad was watching with a smile in his eyes. “You’re so much like your mom,” he said.

The words, intended as a compliment, made Faith’s smile slip.

“Thanks,” Jack answered. “I get that a lot.” Then he noticed Colleen smiling at him, and his grin disappeared.

“Don’t be scared, Jack,” Colleen said. “I only bite on request.”

“Well, I’m heading home,” Dad said. “Jack, you ready?” Her father tousled Faith’s hair. “’Night, sweetie. Oh, hi, there, Sarah, how are you?”

“Hi, Mr. Holland,” she said. “I’m fine, how are you?”

“I’m going, too,” Faith said, her heart sinking a little. Another crappy date. Ah, well. At least she hadn’t wasted too much time running a background check. She’d go home, cuddle with Blue, call Jeremy and give him the report, then discuss how he’d make this up to her. “Have a good night, everyone.”

“Hey, Faith,” Sarah said. “Um...do have a second? I was wondering if I could talk to you. About San Francisco?”

Faith glanced at Levi who was on the phone, then back at Sarah. “Sure, honey.”

“Your nephew? Ned?” Her cheeks blossomed with color. “He was telling me you’d been out there a few years. Do you like it?”

A crush, how sweet! “I love it out there. It’s gorgeous.”