The Play

“Okay,” I say weakly. “Okay. If you’re not going to come down, then I’m coming up.”

“Stay away, Demi.” TJ’s shoulders set in a tense line. “Seriously. I’ll do it.”

I clench my teeth, in fear, not anger, and inch closer to the ledge. “I don’t want you to,” I tell him, as my heart drums a terrified rhythm on my ribcage. “First I want to talk to you. After that, we can discuss your next move.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Go back to your new boyfriend.”

I reach the ledge. And almost throw up when I glimpse the thin layer of white frost spanning the cement. At least I hope it’s just frost, and not a solid stretch of ice.

“Is that what this is about, then?” I ask quietly. “Me and Hunter?”

“Yes, I’m standing here about to jump to my death because of you and Hunter. Christ, Demi! You are so fucking self-absorbed.”

I flinch. Then I suck in a gulp of frigid air and lift one foot onto the ledge. It slips on my first attempt. Fuck, that is ice. Oh Lord. What am I fucking doing right now?

Saving your friend. He needs help.

Yes. TJ needs help.

I take another breath.

The second time, I manage to climb up. And then I’m standing beside him, and I make the mistake of looking down and oh my fuck, looking down was a terrible idea.

I inhale through the rush of dizziness that hits me. Inhale. Then exhale. I force myself to keep breathing. I don’t look down again. But the image has already been branded in my brain. That huge drop. No grass or bushes down there, either. Nothing but pavement.

My breath escapes in frantic white puffs. That was legit the scariest sight I’d ever seen.

But what’s even scarier is the thought of losing TJ. I may not have heard his cries for help before, but I sure as hell am hearing them now.

“Get down,” he snaps at me, but the anger has left his voice. It’s been replaced by worry. Desperation. “You could get hurt.”

“So could you. And I’m not getting down until you do.”

“Really? Suddenly you care so much about me?”

“I’ve always cared about you, TJ. You’re one of my best friends.” Do not look down again, Demi. Do not—

I glance down again and almost puke. Four stories is, what, fifty feet? Why does it seem so much higher from where we are? I never thought fifty feet was so fucking high.

“Best friends,” TJ scoffs. “Do you know how patronizing that is?”

“What, calling you my friend? I’ve known you since freshman year, TJ.”

“Exactly! Freshman year! That means I waited almost three years for you to wake up and see what a douchebag Nico was.”

The wind ruffles our hair. This time I refuse to take another peek over the edge.

“And then you broke up with that asshole, and I gave you space and time to heal. I thought, just be patient, man. We have this connection and I thought, she’s finally going to see what was in front of her fucking eyes for three years.” Anguish clouds his face. “I thought you would come to me after you dumped Nico and instead you go for that fucking hockey asshole?”

I don’t defend Hunter. I’m scared it will trigger TJ to take drastic measures. But I do hedge in with a soft observation. “I thought you said this wasn’t about me.”

“Fine, I guess it is. Not entirely, but part of it. I’m just tired of being fucking invisible. Invisible to you, invisible to my family. My parents are obsessed with my brother and his big fancy job in London and I’m just an afterthought to everybody, if I even cross their fucking minds. Which I highly doubt.”

“That’s not true.” I met his parents once and they seemed to really love their son. Appearances can be deceiving, I know that. But my gut says that TJ’s parents would fly into a panic if they knew what their son was considering doing right now.

“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit,” I tell him.

The sirens get louder.

TJ stiffens. He shifts his feet and I instinctively brace myself for the worst. But then he rights himself, and I’m so dizzyingly relieved that I nearly lose bladder function and pee my pants.

I have literally not moved an inch since I climbed up here. I’m a statue on this ledge. It’s two feet wide, so it’s not like my toes are dangling over the edge, but I feel like I’m balancing on a paper clip.

“Why didn’t you ever talk to me about any of this? Feeling ignored by your parents, feeling inferior to your brother, feeling like you wanted to…” Die. I don’t say it out loud. I bite hard on the inside of my cheek. “You know I would’ve been there for you. Why didn’t you ask for help?”

“Why did you pick him?” he says instead of addressing my question.

“It wasn’t a matter of picking.” I sigh wearily. “It’s not like you and Hunter were both there in front of me and I needed to choose between you. He and I were friends, and it just developed into something more—”

“You and I are friends—why didn’t we develop into something more?” Hurt and betrayal darken his eyes.

Fuck, that was the wrong thing to say. “I don’t know,” I say simply. “Chalk it up to chemistry, I guess. I have chemistry with him.”

“And not with me?”

What do I do now? Lie? Get his hopes up just to get him off this ledge?

But that feels disingenuous and cruel. Also, I think he’ll be able to see through me. I don’t have romantic feelings for TJ. I never have.

I decide to be honest, because that’s who I am. “I don’t feel any sexual chemistry with you,” I admit. “I think you’re attractive—”

“Bullshit,” he spits.

“I do,” I insist. “ You have the kindest eyes, and a great butt.”

He hesitates, as if trying to assess whether I’m lying.

“But I also objectively think Liam Hemsworth is gorgeous and I have no desire to sleep with him. I can’t explain chemistry. Some people have it, and some don’t.”

“Chemistry,” he echoes. Pain twists his features. “Why don’t I have it with anybody?”

“Can I hazard a guess?”

He gives me a sharp look.

“You just said that for the past three years you’ve been waiting for me to break up with Nico. Stands to reason, then, that you haven’t been putting yourself out there. In almost three years, you’ve only gone on one date, as far as I know—the sorority sister I set you up with. If you’re closed off to the potential of dating anyone, you’re not going to find anyone.”

“I’m not closed off.” But he sounds unconvinced.

The wind rustles my hair again, and shivers break out at the nape of my neck and scurry down my spine like rats fleeing a sinking ship. I wish I could flee, too. It’s so cold up here. But I’m not leaving this roof without TJ. I’ll stand up here all night if I have to.

“Yes, you were,” I tell him. “And I get it, okay? Pining over a girl with a boyfriend sucks. Even worse, it means you’re not giving out the vibes you should be transmitting. You wasted almost three years, TJ. But, and here’s the good part, you still have a year and a half left of college. You’ve got plenty of time to put yourself out there.”