The Push
“No,” she snapped. “Stop asking.”
“But, Mom, please, I feel sick. It’s too hot everywhere else but the basement.”
“Stop asking, Blythe. I’m warning you.”
“I’ll die out here thanks to you!”
She slapped me across the face but her hand slipped on the sweat of my cheek, so she wound up and hit me again. Only this time it was with a closed fist and right on the mouth. Square and firm. My tooth hit the back of my throat and I coughed speckles of blood on my T-shirt.
“It’s a baby tooth,” she said as I stared at it in my palm. “They all come out eventually anyway.” She put her cigarette out on a patch of dirt in the brittle grass. But I could see her disgust with herself in her twisted tangerine lips. She had never hit me before. And so I had never felt that particular collision of shame and self-pity and heartache. I went to my room and made an accordion fan with a grocery flyer from the mail and lay on the floor in my shirt and underwear. When she came in an hour later she took the fan from my hand and smoothed the creases and said she needed the coupon to buy chicken thighs.
She sat on my bed, something she rarely did. She couldn’t stand to be in my room for long. Her husky throat cleared.
“When I was your age, my mother did something very cruel to me. In the basement. So I can’t go down there.”
I didn’t move from the floor. I thought of the things I’d overheard late at night as she cried to my father. My face flushed with her secrets. I watched her bare feet rub against each other, her toes freshly polished in bright, cherry red.
“Why was she so cruel to you?” She could have seen my heart jumping under the bloodstains on my shirt.
“Something wasn’t right with her.” Her tone suggested the answer should have been obvious to me even then. She tore the chicken thigh coupon off the bottom of the flyer and folded the rest back into an accordion. I reached out to touch her toe, to feel the smooth polish, to feel her. I never touched her. She flinched, but she didn’t pull her foot away. We both stared at my finger on her nail.
“I’m sorry about your tooth,” she said and then stood up. I slowly took my hand away.
“It was starting to get loose anyway.”
It was the first time she told me herself about Etta. I think she might have regretted it afterward, because she was especially cold in the weeks that followed. But I remember wanting to touch her more, wanting to be near her. I remember standing at the side of her bed in the mornings to run my finger softly along her cheekbone, and then tiptoeing out when she started to stir.
19
For the next few months I decided not to write. I decided to focus on Violet.
My doctor didn’t think I was suffering from postpartum depression, and so neither did I. I’d done a quiz on the clipboard in her waiting room:
Have you been stressed or worried for no good reason? No Have you been dreading things you used to look forward to? No Have you been so unhappy that you can’t sleep? No
Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? No
Do you have thoughts of harming your baby? No
She recommended I make more time for myself and get back to the things I used to enjoy before I had the baby. Like writing. This, I knew, wouldn’t go over well with you. Instead I told you she suggested some exercise and more time outside and a follow-up in six weeks. I began walking with Violet in the morning as soon as you left the house. We’d go for hours. I’d take her all the way downtown to your office, and you’d meet us for coffee. You loved the way Violet squealed when she saw you step off the elevator, and you loved to see me with a rosy-fresh face, looking like I was enjoying myself. She was almost a year by then and seemed lit up by the world around her, and so I signed us up for Mommy and Me music classes and a swim program. You warmed to me again—you liked this version of me and it felt good. And by then I had a lot to prove. We kept busy and I kept quiet.
Were there good moments? Of course there were. One night I put music on while I cleaned the kitchen. Food was everywhere—all over my clothes and her face and the floor. She laughed in her chair as I danced with the whisk in my hand. Her arms reached out for me. I swooped her up and twirled across the kitchen and she threw her head back and squealed. I realized we had never had these experiences together—we had never found the comfort, the silly, the fun. Mrs. Ellington and her puppet. Maybe we could have that, too. Instead I was always looking for what was wrong with us. I smothered her in kisses and she pulled away to stare at me—she was used to this kind of affection only from you. She leaned into my face with her wet open lips and made an ahhhh sound.
“Yeah. We’re trying, aren’t we?” I whispered.
You cleared your throat. You had been watching us there in the doorway. You smiled. I could see the relief as your shoulders relaxed. We were picture-perfect in that kitchen.
When you came back from changing, you poured two glasses of wine and kissed me on the head and then you said, “I was thinking. You should get back to writing again.”
I’d passed whatever test you were putting me through. We desperately wanted life to feel good; we both had hope that it could. I put my nose in Violet’s sticky neck and took the glass of wine from you.
20