The Unexpected Everything

Topher’s smile widened as he shook his head. “Not at the moment.”

I nodded and gave him a smile in return. This was why I’d texted him, after all. “Want to get out of here?”

? ? ?

The bottom bunk of the little brother of the host—I still didn’t know what his name was—was not the most romantic spot in the world. But when Topher had done a quick recon around the party for our options, this was all that was left. He’d suggested his car—which I knew from experience was a massive SUV with a middle row of seats that folded down, allowing plenty of room to stretch out—but I somehow found I didn’t want to leave the party with Topher, didn’t want to feel the fresh air against my skin as we walked to wherever he’d parked, waking me up and making me think about what I was doing. So the bottom bunk of a room that seemed decorated in some kind of dinosaur-space mash-up was what we were left with. It also wasn’t totally dark—when Topher hit the lights, dozens of glow-in-the-dark constellations and a T. rex night-light came to life.

And as Topher eased me back onto the astronaut sheets and we started kissing, I told myself that this was what I’d been missing all summer. This was who I was, like I’d told Clark, and I never should have veered away from that. I should have stuck with the routine, the one that had been working for me for years now. Trying anything else just hurt that much more when it invariably ended.

And I tried to tell myself this was good as I tangled my fingers in Topher’s hair, trying to lose myself in our kisses, which could normally make everything else in the world totally disappear. But it was like I was too aware, somehow, of everything that was happening, unable to shut off my thoughts, which were spiraling, the opposite of what I wanted them to be doing.

I slipped my hands under Topher’s shirt, and he broke away and looked down at me, and in the night-light glow, I could see his surprise that I was breaking my rules. I tried to pull his shirt up, only to have him say, “Ow!” and realize a second too late that he was wearing a button-down.

“Sorry,” I said, stretching up, starting to undo his buttons, fumbling with them in the dark. “I’ll just . . .”

“I’ve got it,” Topher said, taking it off himself, and I stretched up to kiss him again before reaching down and pulling my own shirt off, tossing the tank top in the direction of my purse. “Yeah?” he asked, sounding surprised but not at all displeased as he smiled down at me.

“Sure,” I said, then added quickly, “I mean, yeah.” I pulled him down toward me, and even as we kissed, my skin against his for the first time, I couldn’t lose myself in the moment, couldn’t shut off the sense that something wasn’t quite right. I opened my eyes, realizing at once what it was. There was no laughter here, no playfulness. No Karl-and-Marjorie-getting-busy-in-a-barn narrative tangents, no Clark making me laugh about how my bra clasps had all been designed by the same people who made bank vaults, since they were impossible to open.

This, now, just . . . felt like it always did with Topher. Like it could have been three months ago, or any other time in the last three years. Which until now had been fine. It had been what I’d thought I wanted. But now I knew there was something else. Something better—something more.

And before I could distract myself, or stop the thoughts from coming, I was missing Clark so much, it hurt to breathe.

I moved back and sat up, pushing Topher away as I tried to get my thoughts in some kind of order.

“What?” Topher asked, blinking at me. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m not sure,” I said slowly. I knew what it was—but not how I could put it so that Topher would understand. “I just . . .”

“Is it that guy?” Topher asked, shaking his head as he sat back from me. “Seriously?”

I looked across the narrow bed at him. The disdain in his voice would have been enough a few months ago that I would have denied it. But I realized, all at once, that I couldn’t have cared less about that any longer. “Seriously,” I said, nodding.

Topher let out a short laugh, still looking at me like he was expecting me to go back to who I’d been, start making sense again. “What, were you like in love with him or something?” he asked sarcastically, phrasing it so that the only answer to this was no.

“Yes,” I said without even thinking about it, but knowing as soon as I said it that it was the truth. It had been the truth for a while now, but I hadn’t let myself see until this moment. “I was.” I took a breath and made myself say it. “I am.”

“Oh,” Topher said, sounding utterly thrown. “Um . . . okay.”

“Yeah,” I said with a small laugh. I sat up a little straighter and pulled the sheet up in front of me, tucking it under my arms, my fingers tracing, for just a second, the pattern of the Little Dipper that was printed there. I looked over at Topher and knew that this—whatever we’d been doing for three years now—was over. That it was better to have what I’d had with Clark than something like this. I might stay safe with Topher and never get hurt, but that also meant I’d never feel anything real. “Sorry I didn’t realize it until right now.”

“You love him?” Topher asked, sounding not cool or dismissive or sarcastic, but for the first time in a long time, genuine. I could hear the hurt in his voice, but also the confusion underneath.