This Man

‘She’s getting more orange by the week.’ I laugh.

‘That’s not orange, my friend.’ Another splash of wine hits the table. ‘That’s mahogany. He’ll never be able to find her in the dark. And yes, she only does it in the dark.’

‘No!’

‘Oh, yes. Something about cellulite and bed head. It’s pretty painful. The last bloke she was seeing said she got up an hour before him so she could have a shower, sort her hair out and get a full face of make-up on before he woke up.’

‘That’s ridiculous!’

She nods. ‘Hey, has Jesse mentioned anything about a party at The Manor?’

‘Yes!’ I blurt, seriously considering telling her that I’ve been bribed into going. Oh, please say Sam’s asked Kate to go. That will make my night a lot more bearable. ‘Are you going?’

‘Damn right I am! I can’t wait to see the place.’ Her eyes dance with excitement. ‘I think a shopping trip is in order.’

‘Oh, I’ll probably make do with something I’ve got in my wardrobe.’ I shrug. I’ve just spent five hundred quid on this stupid, miniscule dress. I go to lean back on my stool, swiftly remembering there’s no back support, prompting me to I grab the edge of the table. My wine flies up in the air. ‘Shit!’ I cry, just managing to save myself from falling arse first to the floor.

I join Kate in her helpless laughter, both our wine glasses swishing about as we titter and splutter like a pair of drunken teenagers, who’ve over indulged on cider. I need to stop drinking, right now. I’m on the cusp on falling over the edge of merriment and into the realms of slurring and staggering. With my unreasonable Lord due at eight in the morning, I need to ensure I’m hangover free.

‘I think we need to call it a night.’ I hint in my most diplomatic tone.

Kate nods her agreement around the rim of her wine glass. ‘Yep, I’m done.’ She slips off the stool and staggers towards me. Okay, it looks like Kate’s already slipped into staggering territory. ‘Oh, I love this track. Let’s dance!’ she screeches, pulling me towards the dance floor so she can perform her own little Moves like Jagger.

‘Kate, there’s no one on the dance floor!’ I complain. There’s almost no one in the bar either.

‘Who cares?’ she argues, stumbling towards the music, taking me with her. ‘We’ll go after thi…Oh!’ She clatters to the ground, dragging me down with her on a yelp. ‘Sorry!’ she laughs.

We both lay sprawled on our backs across the floor, giggling and looking up at the dim lights of the bar. I would be embarrassed…if I wasn’t so tipsy. What must we look like? Neither one of us makes any rushed attempt to scramble to our feet.

‘Do you think the bouncers will come and help us up?’ I splutter over my laughter.

Kate wipes a tear away. ‘I don’t know. Shall we yell?’ She reaches over for my arm to support herself as she heaves her body up to a sitting position. ‘Oh, shit.’ she curses, her tone altering considerably from mischievous to serious.

‘What?’ I push myself up to find out what we are oh shitting about, only to discover Jesse looming over us, arms folded across his chest, with an extremely irked look on his handsome face.

Oh shit, indeed. I clamp my lips together for fear of laughing and pissing him off further.

‘Oh no, that’s me grounded for a month.’ I titter in a low voice for only Kate to hear. She spits all over the place as she tries to suppress her laugh, and I lose the battle to restrain mine.

We both sit on the floor of the bar like a pair of drunken hyenas, whilst the colour in Jesse’s face gets redder by the second. Kate laughs harder when Sam rocks up next to Jesse, rolling his eyes. Why can’t my man give me an eye roll, instead of standing there looking like he’s going to self-combust? I’m not even that drunk. My current location is only courtesy of my delinquent best friend leading me astray.

A burly, skin head bouncer approaches. He looks evil. I nudge Kate with my elbow to signal our imminent ejection from the bar. ‘Kate, if they don’t allow us in for lunch anymore, then I’ll be really pissed.’ I love Baroque’s BLT sandwich.

‘You’re already pissed.’ she snorts, making another attempt to get up, using me as a prop.

‘Jesse, sort your woman out.’ The bouncer drawls, clasping Jesse’s hand in greeting.

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ He hits me with his most menacing glare. ‘She’ll be sorted out. Thanks for the call, Jay.’

What?

‘Come on, you pest.’ Sam jibes Kate, hoisting her up.

She throws her arms around his neck, giggling in his face. ‘Take me to bed, Samuel. You can tie me up again.’ She flops against him like a beanbag.

I watch as Sam restrains his laughter at Kate’s performance, but he’s not suppressing the chuckles because he’s mad with Kate. Oh no, he’s keeping a lid on it because of Jesse. He’s trampling on my night again. I wasn’t expecting to see him until eight in the morning, so he would never have known that I got myself a little pissed. And what’s all this business with the bouncer calling him?

I return my tipsy gaze to Mr Unreasonable, pulling my best hacked off face. His eyes are bulging. I follow his glare down at the ultimate taboo dress. Oh dear, I’ve contravened on two orders. I probably really will be grounded. I start giggling again.

‘Up, now.’ he snarls through a ticking jaw.

‘Oh, lighten up, you bore!’ I chide, more confidently than I’m feeling. I put my hand out to him for some help, knowing he won’t leave me to struggle.