“I like being alone.” Except when Holly’s around; then I never want to be alone again.

She stares at me in frustration. “I’m sorry about tonight; I really had no idea. I can set you up with one of the other girls. Someone nice—”

“No,” I snap. “I don’t want someone nice.”

A sly smile crosses her lips. “Okay, then I’ll set you up with someone dirty. Someone else who’s into what you want.”

Dirty sounds perfect. I need physical and emotional freedom to just go wild on someone without worrying about whether I’m hurting them or taking them for a walk down fucked-up-memory lane.

“Just stop, Tessie. Fuck this whole thing.”

“Your choice. I’m not going to force you. But for the record, I don’t think you have to pay for sex. Even kinky sex. You’re not ugly.”

I laugh. “Trust me. Nobody wants to be with me.”

“I think that’s bullshit in your own head. Look at you. You have a great body, your tattoos are awesome, and girls love that messy hair. And you ride a loud bike, that’s another turn on for a lot of women.” She tilts her head. “If Mickey Rourke and Kurt Cobain had a baby, he’d probably look like you.”

“That’s fucking twisted. What’s wrong with your brain?”

“It’s true. Just sayin’.”

“Half my body is covered in scars. The ink just hides it. It’s not there to be cool.”

“Oh, boo hoo.” She waves her hand at me. “I think the only thing turning girls away is your shitty attitude.”

I blow out an exasperated breath. “I have a realistic attitude.”

“Call it what you want.”

I look down at my boots and the mask near my feet, staring up at me. “I did sort of meet someone,” I mumble.

She leans forward. “Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. And? Give me the deets.”

“And she’s sweet. And so fucking beautiful,” I say wistfully. “She’s kinda fragile but tough, and I like that about her. And she’s wicked honest.” Just thinking about her is making me wish she was here with me in this hotel room with the jacuzzi tub in the corner and the view over the city.

“So what’s the problem?”

“She was abused when she was young, and I have a lot of pent-up fantasies, and it’s a big fucked-up mess in my head wondering how to handle her. And to top if off, she’s moving to New York soon, and I’ll probably never see her again. She’ll end up with some rich bohemian artist, and she’ll forget all about me.”

Tesla’s mouth hangs open. “Wow. You had to go all out with the dysfunction, huh?”

I cross my arms over my chest. “You’re not helping.”

“All right, calm down. That’s all okay, Ty. So you just go slow with her. See her on weekends, it’s New York, not the moon. You can drive that in a few hours. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s messed up in some way or another.”

How true.

“It’s Holly Daniels,” I say under my breath.

Her eyes go wide, and she sucks in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “Oh, fuck, Ty.” Her fingers brush across her lips as she eyes the mask. “And that? That’s the real problem, isn’t it?”

I nod, my hair falling down over my face. “Yeah.”

She nods and licks her burgundy-stained lips that match the tips of her nails. “Lots of men have date rape fantasies,” she says with a tinge of comfort and hope. “I’ve met a bunch of them.”

“I don’t have a rape fantasy, Tessie. I have a reaction fantasy. Fear being my top choice.”

“So…you like them to be scared?”

“I like to make them feel the gamut. But fear is my major kink.” I bury my face in my hands. “I can’t talk about this,” I mumble into my palms. She grabs my hands and pulls them away.

“I’m trying to help you. Can’t you see that?”

“Yeah. I do. But it’s a waste of time. Just leave. Please?” I plead. I don’t want to deal with any of this anymore.

“No. I’m not going to leave. I don’t care if we sit here all damn night. I have no better place to be. Do you?”

I don’t answer.

“I didn’t think so.”

She stands and crosses the room to the small refrigerator and takes out two bottles of water, sipping hers as she returns. I take the other from her and gulp half of it down. All this talking is making my voice even hoarser.

“You care about her, right?” she asks.

I wipe the back of my hand across my mouth. “Yeah. I fuckin’ do.”

“Then don’t go screwing strangers. It’s only going to make you feel worse. I’m going to guess she probably has feelings for you, too, and you’re just in denial about it like you are with everything else.”

I wish. “It’s complicated. Right now we’re just kinda friends.”

She squeezes my shoulder. “Sometimes that’s the best place to start.”

“Ya think?”

“I do.” She plays with the cap on her water for a few moments. “This fear thing, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, Ty. Everyone has fantasies, or fetishes, call them what you want. You might want to at least lose the mask, though. That’s creepy as fuck.”

“She was kidnapped, kept in a basement, starved, raped, and mentally fucked with, Tessie. I don’t think she’s gonna be up for role-playing just to feed my horny little dark side.”

She doesn’t even wince.

“Ya never know. One of the girls in this biz with me? She was molested when she was little and now she’s a nympho. She’ll fuck all damn day and night. Just the other day she—”

I put my hand up in disgust. “Okay, okay. Spare me the fucking details.”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “I’m just saying…just because Holly went through some bad shit doesn’t mean she has to be some kind of prude. She probably just wants to be treated like a normal woman and not tiptoed around.”

“I don’t think she wants to be fear-fucked. And I don’t want to do that to her. She’s been through enough.”

“Maybe let her decide what she wants? Don’t think for her, Ty. Talk to her, take it slow. Feel her out. There’s always a way to work through things if you want it bad enough.”

I do want it. I want it really fucking bad.

“Well, thanks for your sexual expertise, Tessie. It’s been quite enlightening, to say the least.”

She rolls her eyes. “Just listen to me. Listen to someone, for once. Open up, trust someone. Get out of your own fucking way. That shit is getting tired.”

I grin, feeling slightly better. “Not bad advice, little sis. I may even let you keep that two grand.”

She kicks me playfully. “I’d rather you keep it and come visit me sometimes. And visit Mom. Can you do that? Stop punishing yourself and the rest of us. We all miss you. We’ve all put the past behind us. What’s done is done, Ty. You had an accident, you did some bad shit, and you let yourself fall into a really bad hole. It’s not too late to climb out. God knows everyone in our family has tried to dig you out. You have to get your head together and do it yourself.”

21

Holly

He’s different today, and I’m silently analyzing him from my wooden stool even though I know I’m not supposed to examine people. His hands shake as he picks out the tools he needs from the old red chest, and he’s on his sixth cigarette since I got here.

“What’s wrong?” I finally ask him, after almost an hour has gone by and he’s barely said a word or even looked at me. It’s been a week since our disastrous kiss and, up until today, I thought everything was okay between us. Now I’m not so sure.

“Nothing.” He continues to hammer a piece of metal around a thin cylinder until I get up and grab the tool from his hand and lay it on the workbench.

“You’re lying.” I try to say it as unaccusingly as I can.

“I have work to do,” he says gruffly.

“Why won’t you look at me or talk to me today? Do you want me to leave?”

His eyes close for a long moment, and his hands grip the edge of the workbench. “No,” he says under his breath. “Not at all.”

“Then can you please tell me what’s bothering you? You can tell me anything.”

His head snaps up, and he looks at me with a strange, unnerving smile on his face. “Really? Anything?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Fine.” He picks up a rag and wipes his hands on it then tosses it onto his tool chest. “I almost fucked my sister last night.”

I take a step backward and wait for him to laugh or tell me he’s kidding, but he just stands there.

“Oh,” I say. “That’s unexpected.”

“You have no fucking idea. Last night was the first time I’ve seen her in a few years.”

I close my mouth when I realize it’s hanging open. “I’m a lot confused.”

He touches my cheek with his thumb and then quickly pulls his hand away. “Join the club, sugar. I’m a lot fucked up.” I love it when he calls me sugar, but my insides are all sorts of twisted up over him and his sister and how strange he’s acting. Maybe he really is sick mentally, and it’s taken this long for it to come to light.