Too Good to Be True

“Headmaster Stanton has invited me to advise the search committee, and of course I encourage all of you to apply for the position, as Manning has always prided itself on promotion from within.” He turned to the youngest member of our staff. “Mr. Diggler, you, of course, are far too inexperienced, so please save your energy for your classes.”

Wayne, who felt that his degree from Georgetown trumped all the rest of ours put together, slumped in his seat and sulked. “Fine,” he muttered. “Like I’m not headed for Exeter, anyway.” Wayne often promised to leave when things didn’t go his way, which was about twice a week.

“Complete your sentences, please, Mr. Diggler, until that happy day.” Dr. Eckhart smiled at me, then gave another barking cough. It was no secret that I was a bit of a pet with our elderly chair, thanks to regular infusions of Disgustingly Rich Chocolate Brownies and my membership in Brother Against Brother.

“Actually, speaking of Phillips Exeter,” began Paul, blushing slightly. He was a balding, brilliant man with glasses and a photographic memory for dates.

“Oh, dear,” sighed Dr. Eckhart. “Are congratulations in order, Mr. Boccanio?”

Paul grinned. “I’m afraid so.”

It wasn’t that uncommon, prep schools poaching teachers, and Paul had a great background, especially given that he’d actually worked in the real world before becoming a teacher. Add to that his impressive education —Stanford/Yale, for heaven’s sake—and it was no wonder that he’d been nabbed.

“Traitor,” I murmured. I really liked Paul. He winked in response. “That leaves my two esteemed female colleagues,” Dr. Eckhart wheezed. “Very well, ladies, I’ll expect you to submit your applications. Prepare your presentations in paper form, none of this computer nonsense, please, detailing your qualifications and ideas for improvements, such as they may be, to Manning’s history department.”

“Thank you for this opportunity, sir,” Ava murmured, batting her eyelashes like Scarlett O’ Hara.

“Very well,” Dr. Eckhart said now, straightening his stained shirt. “The search begins next week, when we shall post the opening in the appropriate venues.”

“You’ll be terribly missed, Dr. Eckhart,” I said huskily.

“Ah. Thank you, Grace.”

“Oh, yes. It won’t be the same without you,” Ava hastily seconded.

“Indeed.” He hauled himself out of the chair on his third attempt and shuffled out the door. I swallowed thickly.

“Good luck, girls,” Paul said cheerfully. “If you’d like to have a Jell-O wrestling match, winner gets the job, I’d be happy to judge.”

“We’ll miss you so,” I said, grinning.

“It’s so unfair,” whined Wayne. “When I was at Georgetown, I had dinner with C. Vann Woodward!”

“And I had sex with Ken Burns,” I quipped, getting a snort from Paul. “Not to mention the fact that I was an extra in Glory.” That part was true. I’d been eleven years old, and Dad took me up to Sturbridge so we could be part of the crowd scene as the 54th Massachusetts Regiment left for the South. “It was the best moment of my childhood,” I added. “Better even than when that guy from MacGyver opened the new mall.”

“You’re pathetic,” Wayne mumbled.

“Grow up, little man,” breathed Ava. “You don’t have what it takes to run a department.”

“And you do, Marilyn Monroe?” he snapped. “I’m too good for this place!”

“I’ll be happy to accept your resignation when I’m chair,” I said graciously. Wayne slammed his hands on the table, followed by some stomping, followed by his most welcomed departure.

“Well,” Ava sighed. “Best of luck, Grace.” She smiled insincerely.

“Right back at you,” I said. I didn’t really dislike Ava—prep schools were such tiny little worlds, so insulated from the rest of the world that coworkers became almost like family. But the idea of working under her, having her approve or disapprove my lesson plans, rankled. Watching her leave with Paul, her ass swinging vigorously under a too-tight skirt, I found that my teeth were firmly clenched.

For another minute or two, I sat alone in the conference room and allowed myself a tingling little daydream. That I got the chairmanship. Hired a fantastic new teacher to replace Paul. Revitalized the curriculum, raised the bar on grades so that an A in history from Manning meant something special. Increased the number of kids who took —and aced—the AP test. Got more money in the budget for field trips.

Well. I’d better get started on a presentation, just as Dr. Eckhart suggested. Tight sweaters and easy A’s aside, Ava had a sharp mind and was much more of a political creature than I was, which would definitely help her. Now I wished I had chitchatted a bit more at last fall’s faculty/trustee cocktail party, instead of hiding in the corner, sipping bad merlot and swapping obscure historical trivia with Dr. Eckhart and Paul.

I loved Manning. Loved the kids, adored working here on this beautiful campus, especially at this time of year, when the trees were coming into bloom and New England was at her finest. The leaves were just budding out, a haze of pale green, lush beds of daffodils edged the emerald lawns, the kids decorating the grass in their brightly colored clothing, laughing, flirting, napping.

I spied a lone figure walking across the quad. His head was down, and he seemed oblivious to the wonders of the day. Stuart. Margaret had e-mailed me to say that she’d be staying with me for a while, so I gathered things weren’t better on that front.

Poor Stuart.

“WELCOME TO MEETING MR. RIGHT,” said our teacher.

“I can’t believe we’ve been reduced to this,” I whispered to Julian, who gave me a nervous glance.

“My name is Lou,” our teacher continued plummily, “and I’ve been happily married for sixteen wonderful years!” I wondered if we were supposed to applaud. Lou beamed at us. “Every single person wants to find The One. The one who makes us feel whole. I know that my Felicia—” he paused again, then, when we failed to cheer, continued. “My Felicia does that for me.”

Julian, Kiki and I sat in a classroom at the Blainesford Community Center. (Kiki’s perfect man had dumped her on Wednesday after she’d called his cell fourteen times in one hour). There were two other women, as well as Lou, a good-looking man in his forties with a wedding ring about an inch wide, just so there’d be no misunderstandings. His rhythmic way of talking made him seem like a white suburban rapper. I shot Julian a condemning stare, which he pretended to ignore.

Lou smiled at us with all the sunny optimism of a Mormon preacher. “You’re all here for a reason, and there’s no shame in admitting it. You want a man…um, I am correct in assuming you also want a man, sir?” he asked, breaking off from his little song to look at Julian.

Julian, clad in a frilly pink shirt, shiny black pants and eyeliner, glanced at me. “Correct,” he mumbled.

“That’s fine! There’s nothing wrong with that! These methods work for, er…anyway. So let’s go around and just introduce ourselves, shall we? We’re going to get pretty intimate here, so we might as well be friends,” Lou instructed merrily. “Who’d like to go first?”

“Hi, I’m Karen,” said a woman. She was tall and attractive enough, dark hair, dressed in sweats, maybe around forty, forty-five. “I’m divorced, and you wouldn’t believe the freaks I meet. The last guy I went out with asked if he could suck my toes. In the restaurant, okay? When I said no, he called me a frigid bitch and left. And I had to pay the bill.”

“Wow,” I murmured.

“And this was the best date I’ve had in a year, okay?”

“Not for long, Karen, not for long,” Lou announced with great confidence.

“I’m Michelle,” said the next woman. “I’m forty-two and I’ve been on sixty-seven dates in the past four months.

Sixty-seven first dates, that is. Want to know how many second dates I’ve been on? None. Because all those first dates were with idiots. My ex, now, he’s already married again. To Bambi, a waitress from Hooters. She’s twenty-three, okay? But I haven’t met one decent guy, so I hear you, Karen.”

Karen nodded in grim sympathy.

“Hi, I’m Kiki,” said my friend. “And I’m a teacher in a local school, so is there a vow of confidentiality in this class?

Like, no one’s going to out me on the street, right?”

Lou laughed merrily. “There’s no shame in taking this class, Kiki, but if you’re more comfortable, I think we can all agree to keep our enrollment to ourselves! Please continue. What drove you to this class? Are you past thirty? Afraid you’ll never meet Mr. Right?”

“No, I meet him all the time. It’s just that I tend to…maybe…rush things a little?” She glanced at me, and I nodded in support. “I scare them away,” she admitted.

Julian was next. “I’m Julian. Um…I’m…I’ve only had one boyfriend, about eight years ago. I’m just kind of …scared. It’s not that I can’t meet a man…I get asked out all the time.” Of course he did, he looked like Johnny Depp, and already I could see the speculation in Karen’s eyes…Hmm, wonder if I could get this one to jump the fence… “So you’re afraid to commit, afraid things won’t work out, so you can’t fail if you don’t try, correct? All right!” Lou said, not waiting for an answer. “And you, miss? What’s your name?”

I took a deep breath. “Hi. I’m Grace.” I paused. “I’m currently pretending to have a boyfriend. My sister’s dating my ex-fiancé, and to make everyone think I was fine with that, I told my family I’ve been seeing this fabulous guy.

How’s that for pathetic? And like you, Karen, I’ve been on some astonishingly bad dates, and I’m getting a little nervous, because my sister and Andrew are getting serious, and I’d really like to find someone. Soon. Very soon.

”

There was a moment’s silence.

“I’ve made up boyfriends, too,” Karen said, nodding her head slowly. “The best man I ever dated was all in my head.”

“Thank you!” I exclaimed.

“I did it, too,” Michelle said. “I even bought myself an engagement ring. It was beautiful. Exactly what I wanted. For three months, I wore that thing. Told everyone I knew I was getting married. It got so I was trying on dresses on the weekends. Sick, really. Looking back, though, it was one of my happier times.”

“This brings up one of my strategies,” Lou announced. “Men love women who are taken, so Grace, your little ruse isn’t the worst idea in the world. It’s a great way to get a man intrigued. A woman who is sought out by other men shows that she has a certain appeal!”

“Or a certain lack of honesty,” I offered.

Lou guffawed heartily. Beside me, Julian winced. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I thought this was worth a shot.”

“It’s only sixty bucks,” I whispered back. “Plus we can get margaritas after.”

“Let’s get going with the class. Some of these things are going to sound a little silly, maybe, a little old-fashioned, but the name of the class is Meeting Mr. Right, and my methods work.” He paused. “For you, Julian, I’m not so sure, but give it a try and let me know how it’s going, okay?”

“Sure,” Julian said glumly.

For the next hour, I bit my lip to keep from snorting and did not look at Julian, who was similarly struggling.

Everything Lou said sounded silly, all right. Downright idiotic, sometimes. It was like we were stepping back in time to the 1950s or something. Be feminine and proper. An image of me clubbing Callahan O’ Shea came to mind. So proper, so ladylike. No swearing, smoking or drinking more than one small glass of wine, which should not be finished. Make the man feel strong. Make yourself as attractive as possible. Makeup at all times. Skirts. Be approachable. Smile. Laugh, but quietly. Flutter your eyelashes. Bake cookies often. Exude serenity and grace. Ask for a man’s help and flatter his opinions.

Gack.

“For example,” Lou said, “you should go to the hardware store. There are lots of men at a hardware store.

Pretend you don’t know which lightbulb to choose. Ask for the man’s opinion.”

“Come on!” I blurted. “Lou, please! Who would want to date a woman who can’t choose her own lightbulb?”

“I know what you’re thinking, Grace,” Lou sang out. “This is not me. But let’s face it. ‘You’ isn’t working, or ‘you’ wouldn’t be in this class. Am I right?”

“He’s got us there,” Karen admitted with a sigh.

“THAT WAS FAIRLY DEMEANING,” I said, mimicking Lou’s rolling speech pattern as we sat at Blackie’s a half hour later, slurping down margaritas.

“At least it’s over,” Julian said.

“Okay, stop, you two. He has a point. Listen to this,” Kiki said, reading one of the handouts. “‘When in a restaurant or bar, square your shoulders, look around carefully and say to yourself, I am the most desirable woman here. This will help you exude the confidence necessary to make men notice you.’” She frowned in concentration.

“I am the most desirable woman here,” Julian said with mock earnestness.

“Problem is, you are,” I answered, nudging him in the ribs.