Torn

"I like you, too." I chew the inside of my cheek.

"Then I don't understand why you've never done anything more than kiss me. Is there something wrong with me?"

"Fuck no, you're beautiful."

"Then what's the problem?" she asks, glancing down towards my dick. "Is there something wrong with you?"

"Fuck no, again."

She leans her back against her front door and makes a face at me like I just landed here from Mars. "Then what the hell is going on? I'm confused."

"Lisa, I was in a relationship for twelve years-"

"You're still in love with her?" she interrupts. "Is that it?"

I shake my head. "No, that's not it at all. I'm just not into casual fucking."

"Casual fucking?" she repeats.

"Yeah...fooling around with no commitment."

"I know what it means, Toren. And if that's the issue, I have no problem committing to you. I'm not seeing anyone else."

Oh shit no. "Neither am I but that's not quite what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?"

"I mean I don't want to get physically involved unless I'm mentally involved. I'm not lookin' to just get laid, Lisa. I pretty much spent twelve years of my life on someone who couldn't commit to me one hundred percent physically or mentally, and I'm not doing that shit again. She only came around when she wanted me to fuck her silly or she needed something from me. You want to be friends and see where it goes? Then I'm down for that. But I'm not getting my dick or my heart involved until I feel like it’s gonna go someplace worthwhile for both of us, in every way."

I'm met with a glazed, unblinking brown-eyed stare. "You're serious?"

"Do I look like I'm fucking joking?"

"No, not at all," she shakes her head slowly back and forth, studying my face. "I'm just a little shocked. I mean, come on, Tor. You don't exactly look like the kind of guy that would abstain by your own choice. You practically ooze sex."

"I know," I smirk, half joking. I'm not clueless as to how women look at me.

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm surprised but also impressed. I didn't think men like you actually existed," a seductive smile crosses her lips. "But it does make you even more intriguing and more of a catch."

A vision of me in a lake with a fish hook in my mouth comes to mind and it's not how I want to be thought of.

"I don't want to be a catch. I just want to be with someone for the right reasons. And I want them to be with me for the right reasons, too. I can't deal with bullshit or games or people that don't know what they want, or can't commit to it when they do know."

Her expression softens. "I wasn't expecting such a serious conversation tonight. This is the most you've ever talked about yourself. But since we're being honest...I'm not into games, either. I guess now is the time for me to tell you I'm separated."

Her admission comes out of left field and causes me to take a short involuntary step back.

"You're married?"

"Separated for about a year. The divorce is almost final. It's totally over between us - no lingering feelings at all." I wonder how can two people be married and not have any feelings left?

"What happened?" I know I'm picky, but I always pictured myself marrying someone who wasn't already someone's ex-wife.

She shrugs and stares off someplace behind me. "We grew apart. We got bored. We stopped wanting it. It just wasn't meant to be."

So much for ‘til death do us fucking part.

"Okay. I'm glad you told me. I had no idea."

"Do you think there's any possibility of us going further? Or am I wasting my time? I don't mind being friends and taking things slow, but I definitely want more than that. I'm not sure I can date you and not get physically or mentally interested."

Who am I to judge what's a waste of someone else's time? If we don't end up screwing or in love, does that constitute a waste? In some ways yes, in some ways no.

"I don't really know. You've already made comments about me being too quiet and cold, and I know you don't agree with all the things I do. I guess you have to ask yourself if you really do want more. And yeah, I ask myself does this chick like me for me, or because I ooze sex, as you put it?"

"I guess it's a little of both. But in my defense, you're a hard guy to get to know, Tor."

I can't argue with that. "True enough. But I'm trying."

"I can see that you are," she takes a deep breath. "So now that we've talked about all that, can we see each other again? Now that I understand you more?"

"We can. Just as long as we're clear there's no promises."

"That's fine. I don't need promises. But if you get...lonely...I wouldn't say no," she hints, raising her perfect eyebrow up at me.

Lisa just lost a point.

"I surpassed lonely a long time ago, honey. But thanks."

Her cheeks turn crimson. "On that note, I'm going to go inside. But I'd really like to see you again."

"I'll call you." I give her a quick kiss before she unlocks her door and disappears into her house.

Maybe I'm stupid, looking for something I'll never find, and I should've continued this date like a normal guy would have instead of going back home to my empty house and empty bed alone. I just want that magical feeling I wrote about years ago when I used to write the lyrics for the band’s rock ballads. I want crazy fucking love. I want someone that'll never let me go. I want to wake up to my best friend every day.

7

Kenzi

Kenzi ~ age twelve

Toren ~ age twenty-seven

"What's wrong?" He's towering over my bed, his faded leather jacket dusty from the ride he just came back from.

I roll over onto my side, away from his stare, and pull my blanket up higher, almost covering my head.

"It's just my stomach."

The weight of his body sinks the side of the bed as he sits beside me and his hand lightly touches my shoulder.

"Kenzi? Are you sick?"

Another cramp tears through my stomach. I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I want my mom. The last thing I want to do is talk about this with him.

Grinding my teeth, I force myself to answer him. "I'm fine. My stomach just hurts."

"Did you eat something bad? Have you been throwing up?"

"No, Uncle Tor. Go away."

A frustrated sigh comes from behind me. "I'm the only one here, remember? I can't go away. Stop being like this and tell me what's wrong. Do you want me to take you to a doctor? I could call your Grandmother..."

"Tor, no. Just leave me alone." I want to cry from the pain in my stomach and the unexplained sorrow and irritability that's taking over my life.

"I'm not leaving. Your parents are gone for two more days, so you're stuck with me unless you want me to call your Grandmother."

"Please don't. I don't want to bother her."

Another cramp rips through my uterus and I scrunch myself up further into the fetal position.

He clears his throat. "Do you have your period?" His voice is soft, tentative and caring, and I want to kick him.

"Oh my God...did you seriously just ask me that? Get out of my room."

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Kenz. Do you need anything? Have you had this before or...?" His voice fades off awkwardly.

"Just leave me alone!" God. Could my life be any more embarrassing?

The sound of his boots thudding along my carpet and down the hall is a relief. Good. Now I can suffer in peace. I'm furious with my parents right now for being gone all the time and not being here when I'm having some kind of crisis. It's not fair.

A few minutes later he's back in my room and throws a small pink bag on the bed. I peer into it to see a bunch of tampons and napkins. I rally between throwing up and crawling under the bed for the rest of my life. My dad's best friend just touched period stuff. There must be some kind of law against this.

"I got those from your mom’s bathroom. Since you won't answer me, I hope you know how to use them because that goes way beyond my realm of responsibility."

I think I grow fangs when I glare up at him. "I hate you right now. I want to die." I pull the blanket over my head.

He tugs the blanket back down off my head. "Hate me all you want, I don't fucking care. I got you all this too. Be glad I know where your parents keep everything in this place." A pile of stuff lands on my bed. A bottle of Midol, a heating pad, and a chocolate bar.

I start to cry. "Please go away. You're not supposed to know this stuff!"

He rubs his forehead and shoves his hand through his long hair. "I've lived with women, Kenzi. I know about this stuff, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's part of life and being an adult."

I try to burrow into my pillow. "I don't want to be an adult. It hurts."

He laughs. "No shit."

"Fuck all this."

"It doesn't get any easier, Angel."

"I hate you."

He leans down and kisses my messy head. "No, you don't. And I love you no matter how evil you try to act." He straightens up. "I'll be downstairs if you need me or want to rifle more obscenities at me. I kinda like it."

I smile behind the blanket as he walks towards my door.

"Uncle Tor?"

Halting, he turns back. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He winks at me and finally leaves me alone to wallow in my feelings of yuck.

I decide right there that even though I yelled at him like a raging bitch, he's pretty much the coolest guy in the world.

Kenzi

After a shitty week at school and sitting in my bedroom every night immersing myself in a book trying to forget the outside world exists, I'm glad tonight is bonfire night at our house. I need to be around some humans who aren't high school asshole bitches.