Torn

"I never thought of that." My smile returns. "You go first."

He cocks his head as he thinks for a moment, then he tosses his penny into the water.

I watch the shiny copper coin sink to the bottom of the fountain. "Okay...tell me what you wished for."

"I wished you would never doubt me again. I've spent almost eighteen years being there for you, Angel. Because I want to. No one ever made me or expected me to. You're just where I always wanted to be."

My heart nearly stops.

I close my eyes for a long moment as his words echo through me, bouncing off the walls of my soul before settling into my heart where they'll live forever.

"Tor..."

"Don't," his voice is low, a subtle warning. "Just make your wish."

My hand shakes as I throw my penny, I miss, and it lands in the grass somewhere, lost in the dark.

"Shit." I mutter. My wish lays in the lawn someplace, unspoken. And maybe that's for the best right now.

"I'll get it."

I can't take my eyes from him as he kneels over in the dark, hunting for my penny like it's a buried treasure. His inked arm flexes with hard muscle as he runs his hand through the grass, and my insides flutter in response. I shouldn't be looking at him this way, or thinking of him this way, but I can't tear my attention from him.

You're where I always wanted to be.

It was obvious he didn't want to say those words. But something inside him made him say it, like he had to say it, like they were eating at him, threatening him to let them out. The taboo of what could be hiding in the depths of him awakens a part of me that feels like it's been waiting, patiently, silently for him to come.

Warmth starts in my stomach and spreads like a slow fire, down between my thighs, and up to my chest. My pulse speeds up as I watch him, my head becoming light.

I can't think.

I should be scared. I should recognize this as wrong. I should go inside.

But I'm not, and I don't, and I can't, because he suddenly looks over at me and smiles, holding my lost penny up triumphantly like my eternal hero, and it chases all those doubts away, leaving the truth staring me right in the face.

We are an us.

8

Tor

Kenzi ~ age five

Toren ~ age twenty

My little sister leans over the princess-shaped cake with a big smile and blows out her seven candles. Mom's dining room is filled with people - my aunts, uncles, cousins and brothers and a few little kids from Tesla's class. It's been six months since my father passed away and this is the first I've seen most of the people in this room smile in a long time. Including myself.

Tessie starts to open her presents, with Kenzi sitting at her side, taking the discarded wrapping paper from her and shoving it in a big garbage bag, always the little neat freak. I wink at her across the room, and she waves at me.

"Tesla seems better," I say to my mom when I bring some plates into the kitchen to help her clean up.

"She's doing much better, but she still cries at night sometimes. She misses him a lot."

"I know," I agree softly. "We all do."

I help her load the dishwasher. "We should be going soon. Sydni has a class in the morning, and I have to get Kenzi to kindergarten on time for once."

"You two are babysitting again?" she asks, with a slight emphasis on the 'again'.

"Yeah, just for a few days."

"It's nice you and Sydni help out so much." She wipes her hands on a dish towel and folds it neatly before putting it back on the counter.

"We don't mind. She's a good kid, like Tessie."

"Toren..." she starts and then stops for a moment. "I'm going to ask you something, and I just want you to tell me the truth. I'm your mother, and I love you. I won't judge you."

I raise my eyebrows and take a step back. "Whoa, Mom. That sounds heavy."

"Is she yours?"

I stare at her in shock, the smile fading from my face. "What?"

"Just answer me. Is that my granddaughter in there?"

"Fuck, Mom. Is that what you think?"

"She looks like you..."

"I look like him. Everyone says we look like brothers. Even you said it when we were young. We've always looked alike."

She nods. "Yes...that's true."

Her eyes bore into me, waiting.

"I can't believe you're asking me this, after all these years, Mom. You really think I'd let someone else raise my own kid?"

"She's with you all the time."

"Because her family is never around. They're all wrapped up in their own shit, being famous people. She can't live out of a fucking suitcase all the time. She needs some stability sometimes, and she likes staying with me. They're our best friends. What's the big deal?"

"It's not a big deal, hon. Your devotion to her is sweet. You're a good friend to them. I just wondered if there was more to it than you just doing your friends a favor."

I shake my head, my hair falling into my face. I push it away with annoyance. She could have been mine, if I hadn't introduced my best friend to the girl I was fuckin' crazy about but too shy to ask out.

"No, Mom. She's not mine. I've never slept with Ember."

Tor

My fourth beer goes down too fast. I'm itching for another but I know if I keep drinking I won't stop. I sure as hell don't, scratch that, can’t be drunk tonight. I've already proved I can't control my mouth sober so there's no telling what I'll say if I get wasted off my ass.

I'm doing a good job of pretending to have a conversation with this girl named Heather, but my eyes keep drifting back to Kenzi, who's talking to Sailor on the other side of the property, but also keeps looking over at me and quickly looking away when I catch her.

The wish she made after I found her penny in the grass keeps echoing in my head.

I wish you weren't who you are...

We laughed at it awkwardly, trying to make something funny that wasn't, and then I made an equally riddling joke about it before I forced myself to get away from her, running to the nearest good-looking woman at the party, like that was going to cover up what just happened.

I think I knew what Kenzi was trying to say with her wish, though, and I don't like it.

That's a fucking lie. I like it a lot.

I'm pretty sure she's got a crush on me. Lots of Tessie's friends flirted with me when they were in high school. They giggled at me, said crazy things to me, paraded around trying to make me notice them, and then giggled some more. It's the same thing and normal for girls her age. That's all it is.

My own feelings, however, are completely not normal. In any way. I shouldn't be flirting back with her. Or feeling all fucking giddy stupid over her hat on my head. But I do. I might never take this thing off.

"I'd love to go for a ride on your bike someday," Heather is saying. I've known her for a while, and she says this every time we talk, even though I continue to never call her.

"Sure...when I get a free day, we'll go for a ride." I say the lie well. It sounds legit.

It's my canned reply when a woman thinks she's just going to hop on the back of my ride like I'm some kind pony. I like to ride alone. If I ever stick a woman on the back my bike, there's a good reason for her to be back there.

Kenzi's laugh floats across the yard, even over the acoustic music Asher and his friends are playing. I can tell she likes Sailor, and judging from the attention he's giving her, he feels the same, which is no surprise. I'm not normally the jealous type, but I can feel a shade of green coming over me.

Sailor is me twelve years ago. A young, good-looking musician on the cusp of a kick-ass music career. I've heard him play, and he's good. His riffs are fast, furious, and flawless. Like I once was.

Now my fingers fly over wrenches. And the occasional text message reply.

What I really want and need is my fingers on the warm flesh of a woman. This self-imposed celibacy is making me question my own sanity. Shutting out Kenzi's laughter, I focus on Heather like I should be doing. She's telling me she's a fitness instructor now, and it shows. Her body is tight, lean, and lacking the curves I prefer, but she's very easy on the eyes and hasn't shown any signs of being a psycho freak yet. Always a plus.

I'm not surprised when she reaches towards me and lifts my shirt, her eyes widening in appreciation as she takes in my abs. When you have lots of muscles and ink and hair that's longer than the norm, people think they can touch you. Pet you. Like it's okay.

"Wow, Toren. You've been hitting the gym hard. I noticed a difference as soon as I saw you tonight. Are you fighting again?"

Raising my beer to my mouth, I shake my head before taking a drink. "No, I'm done with that. Just been working out a lot."

She nods and licks her glossy lips. "It shows. Abs and eyes are my favorite parts of a man."

I grin at her. "I'll keep that in mind."

"I hope you do," her smile is sexy and inviting, and I wonder how I always seem to get here. I only wanted a conversation.

I consider taking her home and breaking my sexual leave of absence. A long night with her would put me out of this self-imposed misery and maybe I'll stop reading nonexistent signs from my best friend’s seventeen-year-old daughter.

Heather runs her finger along the waistband of my jeans, her fingernail grazing over my skin. "I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow," she hints.

My stomach muscles twitch under her touch, begging for more. My body isn't exactly on the same page as my brain.

"Is that right?"

Her hand slides a bit further into my pants. "I'll do all the work," she coos. "You can just lay there and enjoy the ride."

I grab her hand and pull it out of my jeans. "That's not how I like it, sweetheart."

"How do you like it?"

"Not easy."