Torn

Dear Tor,

Tonight your words were what I have been hoping to hear. You took my breath away, and gave it back to me again. I have not been able to fathom never touching again since the first time you kissed me, so don't be afraid of loving and fucking (your word) me into exhaustion. I want you to show me what that feels like someday. Just thinking about it is making me breathless all over again.

I want you to be my first. I want you to be my last. I want you to be all the in-betweens. I want you. Just you. Only you.

And I want to be all yours, in every way.

I know you're scared, but I also know how strong you are. We can be scared together, and we can be strong together. Trust that I know what I want. Haven't I always?

I'm here, waiting, anytime you want to climb over the wall again. And if you have to run back to the other side again, that's okay. I'll still be here.

I love you the most,

Kenzi

xo

I take a picture of the note with my phone camera and send it to him. Mailing would be much more authentic, but would take too long. I want him to have this when he wakes up.

Five minutes after I get back into bed, a text comes through my phone and I know it has to be from him.

Tor: Why aren't you sleeping?

Me: Why aren't you? ;)

Tor: I've been busy treating myself like a playground since you had to tease me with your pictures.

Me: OMG

Tor: Sorry. I have no filter when I'm exhausted and deprived.

Me: I'm not complaining :)

Tor: You wrote me a letter. I miss seeing your writing.

Me: I'll do it more.

Tor: Only you could make the word fucking look beautiful ;)

Me: LOL thanks

Tor: I don't think I've ever heard you say fuck before.

Me: I didn't say it, I wrote it. And I was quoting you.

Tor: Someday I'm going to get you to say it :)

Me: Someday works for me ;)

Tor: Kenz...I'm too tired to fight my feelings tonight.

Me: Good. I've declared tonight as being all rules off.

Tor: Oh really?

Me: Yes. Tomorrow we can go back to living in denial.

He's quiet for a few moments and I wonder if he fell asleep with the phone in his hand.

Tor: Don't hate me tomorrow when I'm back to normal.

Me: I'll love you more tomorrow.

Tor: You're really killing me tonight. It's not fair.

Me: I like honesty, Tor. If this is the only way you can do that with me, I'll take it.

Tor: This would be easier if you would just push me away, ya know.

Me: Sorry. No can do. :)

Tor: I'm going to type one more thing, then we're going to bed. I can hear birds chirping.

Me: Ok...

Tor: I've always loved how unconditionally you love me

Ah. The power that words can hold is nothing short of amazing. They can hurt you, and they can heal you. Or, they can completely gut you. And sometimes, like now, they can make everything right in your world.

Me: I always will. Now go to sleep.

Tor: You too, Angel. Maybe if we fall asleep at the same time, we'll see each other in our dreams.

Me: Wow, Tor. I never knew you were a romantic.

Tor: There's a lot about me you don't know ;)

After eighteen years, I seriously thought I knew everything about Tor. But cracks spidered through the wall between us and glimpses of him have seeped out through his words. He's sensual. He's lonely. He's possessive. He's playful. He's romantic. And he's afraid of getting hurt.

I pull the thin cover up over me and hug my pillow, eager to fall asleep now with the hope of meeting up with him in our dreams.

20

Tor

Kenzi ~ age thirteen

Tor ~ age twenty-eight

I glance at the clock again above the fireplace. It's only five minutes later than it was the last time I looked at it, but it feels like an hour has passed. I've been sitting in this chair in Asher's living room all night, listening to the tick of that clock with one ear and the sound of the door with the other. But there hasn't been a sound at the door, and with each passing minute I'm getting more worried.

I call her cell phone again and it goes straight to voice mail. I don't bother leaving a message.

"Fuck." I mutter, grabbing my car keys off the coffee table. I pull on my sweatshirt as I head for the back door just as she's coming in.

"Where the hell have you been?" Anger and relief flood through me. "Why didn't you answer you phone?"

Her big green eyes widen as she peeks up at me from behind her bangs. I grab her chin and lift her face up into the light.

"Are you wearing lipstick? And eyeliner?"

She pushes my hand away. "Maybe. A little. And my phone battery died." She skirts by me and opens the refrigerator, taking out a pitcher of iced tea.

"Where have you been, Kenzi? It's eleven o'clock. I've been calling you for three hours. You didn't even tell me you were going out. You just disappeared."

She pours herself a glass and puts the pitcher back, shrugging nonchalantly at me. "Chloe's cousin picked me up and took us and some other friends to the movies. Chill out."

"I'm not going to chill out, Kenzi. You're supposed to let me know where you are and who you're with."

Glaring at me, she tries to push past me to leave the kitchen but I grab her arm.

"Don't walk away from me."

"You're being a jerk. You're not my father, ya know. And I'm not a baby, I'm allowed to go out with my friends. I don't have to sit here with you on a Friday night."

I cross my arms in front of me and stare her down. "Fine. Next time your parents go on tour they can find someone else to watch you. You think I want to waste my time sitting here while you run around and act like a brat? I have a life, ya know."

"I'm not a brat."

"You're acting like one."

"Then just go home. I don't need you here. You were ignoring me, anyway."

"Fine. I'm outta here." I storm out through the back door and cross the yard to my truck parked in the driveway. Fuck this shit. If I wanted to deal with this I'd have a kid of my own. I throw my truck in reverse and turn to see her running down the walkway towards me.

"Uncle Tor..."

Sonofabitch.

I stop the truck and roll down the window. "Get back in the house, Kenzi. It's late."

She clasps her hands on my car door, tears running down her face, smearing her eye liner. She hasn't figured out yet that waterproof makeup is best for getting through life.

"Please don't leave."

"You told me to leave. So, I'm going. I'll call one of your uncles to come stay with you and they can figure it out with your parents."

"They all treat me like a baby. I didn't mean it, Tor. Please don't go."

"I can take you to your grandparents, then. You can stay with them ‘til your dad is back."

She reaches into the truck and grabs my shoulder. "Please don't do that. I want to stay here with you."

I know she hates having to stay with her grandparents because they smother her with too much attention and try to give her tons of gifts. Kenzi's never liked to be spoiled or lavished with expensive gifts by her wealthy family.

"You can't just leave and not let me know where you are, Kenz. And you have to be home by your curfew. The rules don't change just because your parents are away."

She nods, swiping at her tears with her fingertips. "Okay. I promise. Just don't leave me. I didn't even want to go to the movie but you were on the phone with Sydni for hours. So when Chloe asked me to go...I left."

The phone marathon with Sydni started earlier today. I'd hung up on her three times but she keeps calling back, trying to justify the photos of her I saw on the internet. With two guys. One of them a drummer from another band who left a status on social media about his sticks being played with recently in a sexual way by a female rocker and he's auctioning them off to donate to charity. I've felt sick to my stomach all day with that vision stuck in my head.

Sydni's explanation that it was something fun that would benefit something good wasn't making me feel any better. And now I have a jealous thirteen year old to pacify.

"Is that what this is about? You're upset because I was on the phone with her and not paying attention to you?"

She lowers her eyes and fidgets with my door lock. "Kinda. I thought we were going to watch a movie together and make sundaes. Then she called and that was it. You forgot about me."

I turn the truck off and climb out, slamming the door behind me. "Look, I'm not a mind reader. If you're upset about something, you have to tell me. You can't run off. I've been a mental case worrying about you."

"I'm sorry."

"C'mon. We can still watch a movie and make some wicked sundaes. I'm starving."

"Can we pile pillows and blankets all over the floor and camp out in front of the TV like my dad used to do with me when I was little? I don't even want to watch the movie in the theatre room. I want to hang out in the living room by the fireplace."

I'm sure my back will be screaming in the morning if I lay on the floor all night, but I'm willing to risk it.

"Yeah. Actually, that sounds perfect, Angel."

She grabs onto my hand as we walk back onto the house together. "Good. I just want to be five again for awhile."

I don't blame her. I want to be a little kid again too and forget about all the shit that's happening in my life.

Tor

After sexting with Kenzi, I feel like I've developed multiple personality disorder. One of me feels sick and ashamed of myself for being so weak and the other me can't get her off my mind and is itching to recapture that exhilarating feeling with her again. Last night made me feel more alive than I have in a long time and now that I've had a taste of her, I want more.

So much more.

As I work on the engine of a beautiful old Indian motorcycle in the shop, my brain keeps rewinding back to the pictures she sent me. And her handwritten note. And the fact that she hasn't texted me yet today.