Torn

"Spread your legs for me, baby." Raw, raspy words that make my heart pound even harder and put me in a spellbound state. I almost faint when his mouth touches my most private parts and his tongue slides tantalizingly between my lips.

Holy shit. I had no idea something could feel so freakin' amazing.

His large hands move back to squeeze my ass as he works his tongue slowly back and forth, in and out. My legs begin to tremble from the millions of little nerve endings in my body that he's got all electrified.

"Lie down." His voice sounds far away, on the outskirts of the tunnel of ecstasy I'm falling into.

I practically fall onto the bed, my limbs like wet noodles, and he pushes my legs further apart as he climbs between them, licking his lips, his eyes languidly traveling from the apex of my thighs, up to my face. He reaches out and touches his fingertip to my lips, and I instinctively kiss it before he glides it down over my chin, to my throat, between my breasts, and over my stomach, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. With his eyes still locked on mine, he slides his finger further down to rub my clit in slow, teasing circles, before he grabs my hips and pulls me down to the edge of the bed in one fast, effortless yank. Kneeling, he guides my legs to rest on his shoulders and delves his mouth between my legs, making me cry out from the sudden incredible sensation of his wet tongue and mouth covering me.

My back arches up and I press my hips to him when he pushes a finger inside me, slowly fucking me with it while he flicks his tongue wildly over me one moment and then sucks me into his mouth the next, building me into a total frenzy of wanting more, more, more. I grip his comforter, and my thighs tighten shamelessly around his head as I lose myself against his mouth, letting him take me to a place of euphoria that I never could have imagined in my wildest fantasies.

As I lie panting on his bed in a daze of bliss, he comes up and stretches out next to me, pulling me so we're both on our sides facing each other. I lift my face to his and kiss his wet lips, and another small surge of wetness pools between my thighs when his tongue pushes deep into my mouth and I can taste myself all over him.

"I could lick you night," he says when we pull away.

"I don't think I could take anymore," I admit. "That was the most amazing feeling ever."

He lets out a laugh. "I guess the boys don't know what they're doing, huh?" He teases.

"I have no idea. All I know is that was just like, wow."

He grabs my chin and tilts my face back up to his. "Wait a sec...have you ever done that before?"

Heat rises to my cheeks. Did he really not know that I haven't done anything sexually? Other than just kissing and a little groping?

"Kenzi?" He urges.

"No. Nothing like that. I've only kissed a few boys and then Jason groped me a little...but we never went any further."

He immediately leans up and looks down at me, his face all serious. "Fuck, Kenzi. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what, exactly?" I stammer. "You knew I was a virgin."

He shoves his hand through his hair. "Yeah but I thought you did some stuff. I'd be going a lot slower with you if I had known that. "

"Tor, you just said earlier you didn't want to baby me."

"There's a difference between babying you and slowly easing you into new sexual experiences."

"I don't want you to go slow, I want you to do what you would do with any other woman you're with."

He shakes his head. "Kenzi, I can't do that. I want you to have good experiences for all your first times and I feel like I've totally bulldozed you. The way you responded to me made me think you've done some of this before."

Now I sit up. "You haven't bulldozed me. And I responded to you because it feels right and just seems to be coming naturally. I wanted you to be my first everything."

His lays his hand across my bare stomach. "I still would have been, I just would have moved a lot slower, been gentler, and not come on so strong. This is what I meant by coercing."

I shake my head vehemently. "You haven't pushed me or coerced me. I don't want you holding back. Like you said to me earlier, I want us both to just follow our feelings."

He sighs and softens his voice. "I do, too. I'm wicked fuckin' attracted to you, though. I've never felt like this before and I don't want to be an animal around you if you're not ready for it. That's not fair for you."

"I feel ready, Tor. You turn me on like crazy, too, and all I can think about is that I want more and more of you."

I feel humiliated by this conversation. I want him to see me as a woman and not like a kid or someone who has to be treated delicately. I can tell that he has a ton of pent up passion in him, and I don't want him to have to stop himself or force himself to slow down. Even though I know he would be doing it out of respect for me, it's not what I want.

I pull my legs up and hug my knees. The last thing I want is him deciding that I'm just too young for him after all, or feeling guilty or uncomfortable about having sex with me. That will never work.

His hand strokes my hair. "Kenzi, don't get upset."

"I don't want you to decide you need an older woman because I'm too much work."

He scoffs. "That's just fuckin' crazy talk. Loving you isn't work. I'm not that shallow and you know it. I don't want to hear you saying things like that."

"I don't want to feel inadequate. I've met your girlfriends, Tor. I've seen you with them-"

"Stop," He interrupts before I can say anymore. "Don't you dare compare yourself to them."

"It's hard not to. Sydni is gorgeous..."

"Kenzi, I can make a list of about a hundred things that make Sydni very ungorgeous. You're beautiful and sexy and I love who you are as a person. You're the whole package for me. Nobody else has ever come close."

I turn my head to peek at him over my shoulder. "Really?"

"Really."

Oh God. Someday Sydni will know we're together. I can't even imagine what she'll say to me. Or to Tor. She'll lose her shit completely. My stomach plummets just thinking about the crazy she'll unleash on us.

"Tor...have you thought about how Sydni will react if and when she finds out about us?"

"I'll handle her." His tone is clipped, his current distaste for her clear.

He nuzzles his face into my neck. "Let's not worry. Today has been such a great day. I don't want it to end with you upset."

"Me, either."

"Then let's just be happy we're together and go woof down that apple pie you made."

We ended up eating the pie in bed, with a can of whipped cream, sharing a fork.

27

Tor

Tor,

There's so much I want to say, yet I can't find the right words.

So, I will say the only thing that I can say with utter truth.

The only words that honestly

say everything that needs to be said. And heard.

I love you the most.

Always.

Tor

It's possible I've lost my mind, but I don't care. I'm too happy to care. If I've gone insane, then that's okay. I'll own that shit. I'll wear it like a badge. I'll be Captain Crazy.

I'll do anything. I'll be anything. As long as it means I get to spend my life with her.

I want to throw myself on the Asher gauntlet. I want to get the poison out in the open and give the wound air to breathe. And hopefully heal.

I want to move forward. I'm already tired of hiding and walking on the thin ice of the situation, waiting for a huge fucking crack to form and suck us into the lake of deceit.

Every night for the past few weeks I've sat on the floor with Diogee and Kitten, and I've dumped out the change from the glass bottle to roll up in those little paper rolls. Most of these old glass jugs are five gallons, but this one is bigger, probably around eight gallons if I had to guess, and I wish my father or grandfather were still alive so I could ask them what it was originally used for.

The hours that it takes every night to count and roll the coins doesn't bother me. With every quarter I place in the paper roll, with every minute that ticks by, I reflect on the past. I think about the present. I hope for the future and what I can have. A wife. A family. A love that transcends time, age, titles, and social expectations, as Kenzi had so perfectly described what we have.

I don't add up a final total until I'm completely finished and have a fairly large pile of rolled up coins in front of me that Kitten decides is a mountain that she must climb.

Six thousand twenty-five dollars and one cent.

Yup. There was one lone penny in that entire jar and it was at the very bottom, so I put it back in, because I feel like it's good luck now.

When the time is right, God willing, I'm going to ask my best friend for his daughter's hand. Yeah, that sounds fuckin' crazy. I get it. But I want his blessing. We need his blessing. I'm going to make him see how much I love her, and how serious I am about committing to her one thousand percent. I have no idea when or how that's going to happen, but in the meantime I'm going to find the perfect ring so I can propose when the time is right.

It's Friday night and while I wish I could take my girl out to a nice restaurant for dinner, we had a great night being us. She met me at my house after work, and then we drove around for about an hour hanging up two hundred lost dog posters she had printed earlier using the laser printer we purchased. Then we set up a new trap for an older lost dog that's been sighted a few times in a field a few miles away. On our way back home, we stopped at a drive through and ate cheeseburgers in the parking lot while listening to our favorite music.

By the time we get back to my place, it's still relatively early so we decide to start watching season one of Vikings. Just as we get comfortable on the couch all tangled up together, there's a knock on the door.

"Shit," I curse, as she moves away so I can get up. I swear it better not be Sydni here to try to resurrect things.