Transcendence

I can feel the heat in my groin and the hardness of my flesh under my furs, and I know my body is straining to put a baby inside of her as soon as possible. Before long, the weather will be cold, and Beh will have to have a baby in her soon so it will be big enough to survive the next winter.



I also just…want.



I want to feel her body underneath mine. I want to know what it feels like to be inside of her. I only know what it feels like to touch myself with my own hand—I have never had someone to mate with before. When the urge to mate with her came over me earlier, it was more instinctual rather than rational, but now I’m thinking about it; I’m thinking about it in great detail.



I want to give Beh a baby, but there’s more.



I also want to see her, to touch her, and to feel myself inside of her body. I want to inhale the scent of her back as I take her, and I want to watch the rhythmic motions of her shoulders as we move together.



I want her to smile against the furs as we come together.



I want to see her eyes light up.



“Ehd?”



I realize I’ve been kneeling in the same spot for quite some time.



Beh’s fingers tentatively touch the edge of my leg. Her teeth capture her full bottom lip as she looks up to me and then back down to her fingers as they trace through the fur of my wrap where it lies across my thigh.



In the way.



I hesitate, wondering if I should remove it now or wait a while. I’m confused, knowing what I want to do but not completely sure how I will be received. The last time we were in this spot together, I had been so worried; I hadn’t known what else to do. I’m still worried, but the worry is of a different sort. I still want her to have my baby inside of her, but she doesn’t react the way I expect a woman to react. She is so strange, and she doesn’t appear to want a baby at all.



Or maybe just not one that looks like me.



My chest tightens as I crawl over her to my place on the far side of the sleeping furs, wondering if I shouldn’t just hold her and keep her safe in her sleep. I know how to do that, and she doesn’t seem to mind when I do. She rolls toward me like she usually does, and I’m not sure how to approach her. She never gets on her knees or turns her back to me like I remember my mother doing with my father.



The complexity of what rushes through me is still overwhelming, and my mind races through all the possible scenarios. I want to reach out and touch her—run my hands over her skin, inhale her scent, hold onto her hips as I move in and out of her—but I’m frightened as well, and I don’t understand why.



Her hand touches the side of my face, and I feel myself melt into the sensation. My eyes close and my body relaxes. When I open them again, I can see her slight smile in the dim light of the fire though her face is somewhat shadowed by the darkened cave. I reach out with my finger and trace the edge of the shadow around her cheek.



I lick my lips, my eyes darting to her mouth. Before I can utter the “kiss” sound, Beh’s lips are against mine.



Her warm mouth is soft, and I wrap one arm around her waist and pull her against my body as her tongue touches my lips. Her fingers wind into my hair, pulling me tight against her mouth as her tongue massages mine. I feel myself harden further, and I can’t help but push against her leg a little. It feels so good when I do, especially when I pull at her hip at the same time.



Beh grips my shoulder and then runs her hand down my arm. Her fingers twine together with mine at her hip, and she moves my hand up until it cups her breast through the thin, rough fabric. I moan into her mouth as I squeeze at the soft flesh. I can feel her nipple under my palm as it hardens and pokes back at me. I pull back from her mouth to look down at my hand, but instead, I end up watching hers.



Beh releases my hand and moves slowly up my forearm. When she reaches my elbow, she drops her hand to my waist, then around to my stomach. Her fingers tickle the little hairs there that form a line just below my navel. With one finger, she follows the line down until she reaches the top of the fur wrap around my hips.



She grabs at the knot, releases it, and pushes the wrap away.



I stiffen and groan audibly as I feel her fingers come into contact with my penis, and then another quiet whimper escapes from the back of my throat as she keeps going. Her eyes meet mine for a moment, and they are wide and clear; her pupils are large in the firelight. I stare back at her for a moment before we both look back down. She strokes slowly up from the base to the tip, then wraps her little hand around me and runs all the way back down, then up again.



My stomach tightens, my breath hitches in my throat, and my heart pounds with new vigor. Involuntarily, my hips thrust forward, pushing myself into her hand as she moves up and down again. Only a moment later, my hips find a rhythm I can’t control, and I’m thrusting into the palm of her hand.



The buildup of pressure is swift and powerful.



It doesn’t even occur to me to try to hold back.



My entire body shudders even though the feeling is concentrated much closer to her hand. I cry out as I release, feeling my semen spurt against her hand and my stomach. Beh’s fingers grip gently, stroking me several more times before she lets go of my shaft.



I look upon her with amazement.



It has never felt like that when I used my own hand. Not even close. Beh’s eyes sparkle with her own excitement as she smiles right back at me. I try to take a deep breath to calm down my heart as I look into her eyes. There is a plethora of emotions coursing through me, and the combination is something I’ve never felt before.



I don’t even know what to think of most of it.



So I don’t.



One thing I recognize—there is a feeling of contentment that I have not felt since I had been with my tribe. I can’t seem to do anything but lie in the furs and stare at my mate in utter amazement as my heartbeat slows down and my breathing returns to its regular rhythm.



Beh is here with me, and she has made me feel complete. I look at her with an unhindered smile before I close my eyes and tuck my head into the place between her neck and shoulder. I inhale the scent of my mate...



…and fall asleep.



For the first time I can remember, I sleep long enough for the light of the sun to be brighter than the firelight when I wake. When I open my eyes, I immediately notice Beh’s absence from our furs, and panic sets in. I bolt upright and call out.



“Beh!”



From the other side of the fire, I hear her soft noises, along with my name-sound. My heart is still racing, but it slows as my body relaxes. I rub at my eyes and look over to where she sits. There is the pot of stew she made last night, and I can see she has also placed more of the boar meat on the spit for cooking.



My mate made me breakfast.



I can’t stop smiling as I crawl out of the furs and think of the night before. My whole body tingles with the memory, and I bounce out of the depression in the back of the cave and over to my mate. She sits by the fire, and I drop down to my hands and knees next to her to look at her beautiful face.



Beh turns to me, and her cheeks turn red. She’s so pretty– vibrant and healthy-looking—when that happens. She looks down to the ground, and her lips squish together. She seems to be holding in a smile. I lean in a little closer and brush the tip of my nose across her cheekbone. Beh makes soft sounds as she looks up at me, but I don’t find them at all annoying this time. My nose follows the line of her hair up to her temple, where I inhale deeply at her scent before I jump back up and run outside the cave to relieve myself.



It’s a beautiful day, sunny and bright though the breeze is chilly on my naked flesh. I don’t care; I feel too good to be concerned with the cold. I watch my stream of water arc out into the ravine and think about Beh’s hand coiling around my penis.



I wonder if she’ll do that again.



I mean—if she touched me there, then surely she’ll let me put a baby in her now, right?



It takes just three running steps to get back to the cave entrance, and I feel like I weigh nothing. I’m still smiling, too; I can’t seem to stop. My eyes fall on the little pile of boar remains, which happens to be next to the little piece of antelope fur left over from making Beh’s clothes. I walk over to it, checking over my shoulder to make sure Beh isn’t peeking out of the cave, and pick up the little bundle. In the middle of it is the piece of wood I have been carving for Beh.



I glance toward the cave again before I wrap the wood in the hide and tuck it under my arm. I will have to hide it until we go to the lake again, where I can use small rocks or sand to smooth it all out before I give it to her.



Looking around, I decide to hide it up with the extra wood. I take down several pieces of wood, which I will use to replenish the stack inside the cave, and tuck the little bundle inside. I look at it closely and scrunch up my face, not liking how alone it looks. I decide I don’t want to leave it there and bring it back out again.



I’ll have to sneak it inside and put it in one of the little folded pouches inside my fur wrap. That way it will be with me all the time, and I’ll know it’s safely where Beh won’t find it. Maybe we will go to the lake today, and I can finish the gift while Beh makes pots or gathers cattails. We definitely need to do a little more gathering to make sure there is plenty of food for the colder months. I have been very hungry the past two winters, and I can’t let that happen to Beh, especially if she is going to have a baby in her.



One that looks like me.



I smile again, bounce on my toes, and head back inside the cave.



Beh doesn’t look up as I walk back in and look over at her. I quickly race over to the sleeping furs and tuck Beh’s gift inside so it can’t be seen. When I look back, Beh is leaning over and seems very intent on whatever she is doing. I don’t want to disturb her work, so I move over to her quietly and crouch down, watching.



She has one of my flint knives, and she’s cutting up the dark blue, thick material she used to wear over her legs. She has cut many pieces into squares the size of both of my hands, and I watch her stack them neatly next to the fire. I reach out to touch one, but she makes the no sound, and I cringe.



I look at her warily as she moves the pile out of my reach and then makes a lot more sounds. I listen closely, but I don’t hear the no sound or the kiss sound, so I sit back and wait. Once she has cut all of the material into pieces, she uses two of them to lift one of her pots out of the coals and sits it in front of me. Then she lifts the lid and puts it off to the side.



I peer in, and the pot appears to be filled with just water. Beh dunks one of the little squares into the water, wrings it out, and then holds her hand out toward me.



I look at her palm and then back to her face. Beh makes some noise, and I consider making the kiss sound at her or maybe just putting my mouth on hers. As I consider that, my mind flashes to the previous night, and I look at her hand in a different way, remembering what it felt like when she wrapped her fingers around my penis and moved back and forth.



I’m getting hard, and when she reaches out again, I realize she must want to do that again. My heart pounds in my chest as I bring myself up onto my knees and reach out to her, take her face in my hands, and cover her mouth with mine. I feel her hand on my chest, but she doesn’t move it down again. Instead, she is pushing at me a little.



Our lips part quickly, and she pushes me back on my heels again. I narrow my eyes in confusion as she takes my hand and turns it palm up. She brings the cloth out again and runs it over the scrape on my arm.



“Ahh!”



I jump and cry out, quickly moving away from her and the hot cloth in her hand. Beh makes more noises and reaches out for me again. Her noises get louder as she shakes her hand toward me and points to my arm. She starts moving toward me, and I scramble back a bit before she latches onto my arm.



“Ehd…”



Her sounds become softer, and I find myself straining to hear them. As I lean forward to listen, Beh swipes at my arm with the cloth again. I flinch, but I’m more prepared for it this time. The heat from the water actually feels…nice. I relax and move back close to her as she wipes down my arm gently, rinses the cloth in the pot, and then runs it over my face.



It feels good when I’m expecting it.



Definitely better than the cold water at the lake.



I reach out and touch Beh’s thigh with the end of my finger, and she takes my hand and wraps it up in hers. Our eyes meet, and she gives me a small smile. I return it broadly, and even though I know I should not try to put a baby in her now—we need to go out and gather food, and I need to find some sand at the lake to finish Beh’s carving—I am sure she will want to when we return to the warmth of our furs when the sun sets.



That’s when I’ll give her my gift.



Beh finishes washing me and herself in the warm water from the pot, and we collect what we will need for the day’s work. The sun has made the day fairly warm, and we make good progress, collecting the rest of the grain from the field and the nutgrass from the edge of the forest. As we walk through the pine forest toward the lake, there are many pinecones filled with pine nuts that are ready to be gathered. Beh places several of them in the funny shaped reed basket she made when she first became my mate. I added a leather strap to the top of the basket so she can wear it around her neck to carry things.



The green pinecones are still in the trees, and Beh reaches up into the branches to pick them. I watch as she tries to jump and grab some that are out of her reach, but she can’t get to them. I come up behind her, delighted at her playful squeal as I grab her waist and lift her up high to gather the rest.



When she has picked enough to fill her basket, I slowly lower her down to the ground again. She turns to face me, but I keep my hands at her hips. She smiles up and me, and I look into her bright blue eyes, wondering what makes them sparkle even though we are in the deep shade of the forest where the sun doesn’t reach. I run my nose over her temple, up into her hair, and then down over the bridge of her nose.