Transcendence

Once she stands up and takes a step away from the furs, I release her hand and grab my fur to wrap it around myself. My mate makes another sound as I dress, and I look to her for a moment. She glances away again and clasps her hands in front of her stomach, and I think about how she will look with a large, round belly. The thought makes me smile.



Crossing the short width of the cave, I head over to get one of my water bags. I hold it out to her, but she only looks at it, her eyes narrowed. She makes some noises with her mouth, but they are still fairly quiet and don’t hurt my head this time.



I tilt my head and hold the water bag out to her again, but she still doesn’t take it. I look down at it to try to determine if it is somehow unappetizing, but it looks fine to me. It is a simple water bag made from the stomach of an antelope I killed in the spring. It had been a large buck, and I managed to make a few things from its body. Between this one and the other water bag, I usually have to make the trek to the fresh water lake only every few days.



I wonder if her people carried water in a different way, and maybe she doesn’t know about carrying water the way I was taught. I bring the water bag back close to my body, unwind the sinew holding the top closed, and take a short drink myself before offering it to her again.



This time, though tentative, she reaches out and takes it from my hands. I watch her expectantly, and she slowly brings it up to her nose and sniffs. Her face crinkles up for a moment as she turns away but then sniffs again. She takes a small sip before quickly handing it back to me.



I’m elated. She took the water from me, so she knows I can at least provide that much. All I need to do now is show her what else I can offer her as her mate, and then she will like me. Reaching out, I take her by the hand and lead her to the entrance of the cave. She steps out into the sunlight of the new day with me and looks over the grass steppes. The day is warm already, and the sun shines and sparkles on the dew. It is a beautiful sight.



I look over to my mate with a smile, and she bursts into tears.



When I reach out to comfort her as I did last night, she places her hands against my chest and shoves. As she pushes me, she makes a high-pitched, screeching sound.



Startled by the noise and her physical attack, I jump backwards and crouch a few feet away from my mate as she sits with her back against the outside wall of the cave and shakes with her cries. Her hands are over her face, and her hair falls around her head like a fur blanket. I want to touch it again, to try and comfort her like I know I should, but when I try to get close to her, she screams and snarls at me.



I don’t know what to do.



So I stay where I am, sometimes reaching out to her with my hand but never quite touching her. I don’t think she notices because her eyes are covered. As the sun slowly climbs in the sky, my stomach growls as if my body knows there is food nearby. My mate must be hungry as well since she would not eat anything last night. I want to go inside and get some of the meat, but I don’t dare leave her alone.



I’m a little confused as to why I have such a strong desire to keep her in my sights. I’m afraid she won’t be here when I come back out, and I will have to track her down so she doesn’t get hurt. I’m also afraid she’ll be scared if she uncovers her eyes and I’m not there to protect her, and I want her to know I won’t abandon her. I don’t want her to be even more afraid than she is already.



My legs get tired, so I sit on the ground a few feet from her and just wait instead. I can go a while longer without food, even if the smell of cooked flesh so close to me is very tempting. It makes my mouth water, but I also know I have to take care of my mate first.



The sun’s rays creep closer to the bottom edge of the rocks, and its warmth will soon be upon us. My mate finally takes one long, shuddering breath and raises her head again. She looks at me with red eyes and a quivering lower lip. Her expression tears at me; I want to go to her, but I’m not sure if she wants me close.



For a long moment, we just look at each other. When she doesn’t make any of those loud noises again, I shuffle forward, little by little, until I am close enough to touch her. I slowly reach out with my hand, and when she doesn’t flinch back, I wipe some of the tears from her cheeks. My mate takes another deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment. Her shoulders slump, and her head drops forward, but she doesn’t start crying again. I wonder if she has run out of tears.



I move a little closer and kneel down in front of her. I don’t reach out to her again because she still seems a little hesitant. I sit there with my hands on my thighs, unmoving as she watches me. Eventually, her mouth opens and many sounds come out again, but they are the softer rhythmic noises she made before falling asleep, not the loud ones. She looks out over the steppes as she makes the noises, then pauses, looks to me, and makes more clatter.



I tilt my head and watch her lips move, wondering why she does this so much. After some time, the pitch of her sounds suddenly rises and becomes louder. I flinch at the abrupt change, and she goes quiet as she stares out over the land behind me. Her shoulders rise and fall with several deep breaths, and then her head swings around and she stares straight into my eyes.



She makes another noise. It’s not the loud noises from before, nor is it the long rhythmic noises I had just endured. When she makes this noise, she taps her chest with her finger. She’s silent for a moment while we look at each other, and then she repeats both the sound and the motion.



“Elizabeth.”



I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it’s a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she’s telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds.



“Ehh..beh.” I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?



She frowns right back at me and says it again.



“Elizabeth.”



“Beh-tah-babaa.”



She sighs and her forehead wrinkles.



“Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzz-ahh-beth.”



“Laahh…baaay.”



She shakes her head back and forth, and I wonder if she has an itch. She repeats the sounds a few more times, sometimes combining it with a lot of other sounds. I am starting to get a headache again as she gets a little louder. She taps her chest again.



“Beth!”



The sound is shorter but still very odd.



“Beh-bet.”



“Beth,” she repeats.



I’ve had enough. I reach out and touch her shoulder.



“Beh.”



“Beth.”



I tap her a little harder and growl.



“Beh,” I repeat. I tap her again. “BEH!”



Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs.



“Beh,” she says quietly.



I smile as I watch her hand reach out, and a single finger touches the center of my chest. More sounds from her mouth, but I know what she wants. She wants to know if I have a name-sound too.



“Ehd!” I say proudly.



After so much time on my own, I am lucky I even remember my name-sound.



“Ehd?”



“Ehd!”



“Ehd,” she says as a small smile finally comes over her face. It is a beautiful sight, and my body almost tingles with excitement. She has given me her name-sound and asked for mine, which must mean she has accepted me. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have given me such valuable information. Now she will take me as her mate willingly, and we will form a new tribe with our children.



I jump up and grab her arm to help her to her feet. She stands and brushes dust from her coverings before I take both of her hands in mine. For a moment, I look at her eyes, which are still red with her sadness. I hope now that she has accepted that I am her mate, she will be happy. I lean forward slowly and run the tip of my nose over hers again, starting at the tip and moving all the way up to the place between her eyes. I look at her again, and though I can still see her wariness in her eyes, she does not pull away from me.



Then I begin to show my mate her new home.



Since we were already outside the cave, I start by showing her my impressive collection of wood. There’s a large crevice outside the entrance to my cave that isn’t big enough for someone to live in but keeps the wood nice and dry when it rains, and it’s very easy to retrieve more wood when the supply inside is running low.



Beh looks at the wood and then back to me, but she doesn’t seem impressed. I show her again, but her reaction is still one of disinterest. She looks out over the field away from the cave and up the cliff to the steppes but not at the wood. I’m disappointed that she doesn’t seem to like it because it really is the best I have to show her, but I push on, determined to impress her somehow.



The rest of the day doesn’t go any better.



I do not understand my mate.



I show Beh everything I think will impress her, but she does not react the way I think she will—not at all. I am trying, but she is just…odd. After she won’t look at any of my furs or the smooth rocks around the fire pit, she sits down near the entrance to the cave and cries half the day. Then she begins these strange little movements of twisting and turning her body around. I can tell she needs to relieve herself, but she doesn’t do it! She just keeps looking around the outside of the cave, then back at me, and then around again. I finally get tired of her doing that, grab her wrist, and drag her over to the place where I usually empty my bladder and bowels. I relieve myself to show her the best place to go and then stand there and wait a while, but Beh won’t do anything! She just starts making lot of noises again! Eventually she pushes my arm until I am standing on the other side of the scrub brush and looking away from her. Then she finally relieves herself and stops fidgeting.



So strange!



Afterwards, we go back into the cave, and Beh is finally willing to eat something. I give her the best pieces from the antelope, but she doesn’t seem to like it at all. I want to show her the last fur I made—it is the softest and covered us the night before, and I hope she will use it to make herself more suitable clothing—but when I try to take her to the back of the cave, she pulls away from me. Once I give up on that, we go outside and I show her the edge of the wooded area where there is a lot of good wood to refill the cache near the cave, but she doesn’t seem impressed by that either.



At this point, I’m frustrated, to say the least.



I don’t know how well our mating is going to work when each thing she does makes less sense than the last, and everything I do appears to leave no impression on her at all. Earlier in the morning, I had thought getting her to like me would be fairly simple, but now that I have shown her everything I have, she seems bored, and I do not feel like a very good mate.



Beh obviously agrees.



Since nothing I have around the cave demonstrates my worth, I decide to show her the nearby lake. It doesn’t take long to get there, and maybe she likes water and will appreciate how close it is. I think the area is beautiful, and I hope she will enjoy it as well. I reach out my hand and gesture toward the evergreen forest on the horizon. The lake is just on the other side of the stand of trees.



For a moment, she just looks at my hand, and I can feel my heart sink in my chest. She has not made any more noises for a while, nor has she cried since this morning, but I know there is still something wrong. I just don’t know what it is.



“Beh?”



Her eyes move up to mine slowly before she looks down to my outstretched fingers. She silently places her hand in mine and stands. Her eyes stay focused on the ground, and I reach out to touch the tip of my finger to her chin, tilting her head up so she is looking at me. I watch her throat bob as she swallows, and then more sounds come from her mouth though they are hushed. I hear my name-sound word in with the other sounds she makes.



I wish I knew what she needs from me. I have given her shelter, water, and food. Maybe I will try to give her a baby tonight, and that will make her happy. I have no idea what else she may need from me. It has been so long since I watched my parents and the other couples from my tribe; I don’t remember if there is something else I am supposed to do.



Beh’s eyes close for a moment, and she lets out a long deep breath. She’s done that many times since this morning, and I think it must be to soothe herself.



Even in the act of comforting her, I seem to be lacking.



Something in her look changes as her eyes open and her fingers clench slightly in mine. I return the grasp as I lead her out of the cave and down the trail. The air between us feels peculiarly charged to me, and I am very aware of her presence even when my eyes are on the horizon, watching for danger. I turn and look back at her as we reach the open grasslands, and she looks back at me with a small smile. The clouds choose to move out of the way then, and when the sun hits me, the warmth penetrates my skin. I smile back at Beh and run my thumb over the edge of her hand as we walk together across the steppes.



Maybe I have misunderstood her, and she does appreciate the few things I have. At least now she is receptive to me, and she offers no resistance as I guide her over the lands I’ve learned very well. I look from left to right many times, not allowing myself to be lost in thought or memories like I might have on another day. I have a mate to protect now, and I’m not going to be surprised by any hidden dangers.



Thankfully, the trek is uneventful. Beh looks around the forest as we pass through, and I am glad of it. I hope she spots some plants she can start gathering for food stores. I don’t know what plants can be eaten except for the few I recognize. Once I found a bush with berries that I thought would be all right to eat, but they made me sick instead. Since then, I had stayed away from any plants unfamiliar to me, and that left only the few that I know. There are sometimes raspberries and pine nuts, which I have collected in the past, but it is still too soon in the spring. I also know the grains that grow on the top of the grasses can be eaten, but it takes forever just to collect a handful of them! When I cook them, they are chewy and not at all tasty like my mother had made for me when I was young.