The doctor had ripped open a package and pulled out what could only be described as a crochet hook. It was a long stick with a hook on the end, and it instantly made me laugh when I looked at it.

The doctor went to the end of the bed and asked Jenny to spread her legs. And before you ask, yes, I laughed at this too.

“Hey, hon, looks like the doctor is going to do some knitting while he’s down there between your legs,” I joked. “I bet you he could make a blanket for ten people with all that long-ass pube hair you got going on.”

Can you hear that? That’s the sound of my nuts being clamped in a vice.

After the doctor broke her water, and I apologized profusely for not shaving her ridiculously long pubic hair before she gave birth, it was back to the waiting game. No, not waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for the god dammed drugs.

“I don’t think we should name him Billy,” Jenny stated in between breaths as she “heeee-ed” and “hoooooo-ed” and “hee-hee hoo-hoo-ed” through the pain.

“What are you talking about?” I asked her in horror as I paced back and forth over by the door. My nuts still hadn’t recovered from the pubic hair crack so there was no way I was getting within five feet of her right now.

“Who names their kids after a stupid movie?” she questioned as she took a big sigh of relief when the contraction ended.

“You must be delirious from the pain. That is the only excuse for the nonsense coming out of your mouth right now.”

She glared at me and I instantly covered my nuts with my hands. I wouldn’t put it past her to pick up the phone, yank it from the wall, and chuck it at my dong.

“Did you just call me an idiot?” she questioned softly.

I really should have just run right then...turned around and darted out of the hospital room and down the hall until I reached the ward with all the comatose patients who wouldn’t scream at me.

“If it walks like a duck and talks like an idiot, then yes, yes I did,” I told her boldly, putting my hands on my hips.

Mistake number two.

Jenny’s cell phone smacked against my junk two seconds later, and I squeaked out a groan and clutched onto the boys.

“Cheese and crackers! That hurt! Dude, Billy Madison was the first movie we ever watched together. And it is the greatest movie of all time. There is no way we are naming our son anything other than Billy. We already have a Veronica, named after his hot teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn. We can’t leave our daughter hanging like that. Think of the children,” I pleaded. “Do it for the children.”

“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” she wailed as tears started running down her cheeks and she put her head in her hands.

Sweet Jesus what is happening right now?

I rushed over to her bedside and wrapped my arms around her while she cried.

“Hon, of course I love you. Calm down,” I told her.

“YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN! I’M SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN UTERUS WATER!” she yelled.

I tried to hold it in, really I did, but I couldn’t. I dry heaved. It was just…uterus water. Water from her uterus. She was sitting in it. She was marinating in uterus fluids.

“OH MY GOD! DID YOU JUST GAG?” she yelled.

I started furiously shaking my head “No”, but the damage was done.

The anesthesiologist came in then and pushed his cart of drugs in front of him and I almost begged him to give me a hit of whatever he had. I really should be numb from the brain down for the rest of this day before I f**ked anything else up.

The doctor let me stay in the room for the epidural and let me tell you, nothing prepares you for seeing a needle as long as your arm, being pushed into your wife’s spine. And since she was in the middle of a contraction, all she did was sigh when it went in. Until I opened my mouth.

“Holy f**k that’s a huge needle,” I mumbled.

Jenny glanced over at me and scowled. Well, as much as she could anyway since she was hunched over her big belly as far as she could go, and a nurse was pushing down on her shoulders.

“What if he moves a fraction of an inch to the left and you’re suddenly paralyzed?” I asked in horror.

“Shut...Up,” Jenny muttered.

After the epidural was firmly in place, I double checked that we had a waiver on file that states we would own the hospital should my wife become paralyzed. If I was going to feed her mashed peas and wipe her ass until we die, I wanted to be rich.

“You’re never going to want to have sex with me again. I’m going to push a human out of the hole where you stick your penis, and you’re never going to want to go there again,” she sobbed.

Why God, why? WHY did she have to put that image in my head? I never had a problem having sex with her when she was pregnant with Veronica. Never went through that whole “Oh no, what if I hurt the baby or he sees my penis” bullshit. But this? Oh sweet Jesus, this is the end for me.

“Oh, that’s just silly. Why would you say something like that?” I asked nervously.

Maybe because it’s true. A human is making his way down that canal, and I’m supposed to not freak out about this?

Seven hours later, Billy had come screaming into the world, and I had thrown up in the trashcan next to the bed.

Somehow, now, I need to convince my wife that I do not fear her vagina. Not anymore at least.

Chapter 5 – Could it be…SATAN?!

I’m going to kill him. I swear to God I’m going to murder my husband.