Troubles and Treats

Drew closes his eyes and shakes his head as he rings the doorbell. I know he totally agrees with me and is just too annoyed about the whole therapy thing to say anything else.

“It’s about time you got here!” Carter says as he opens the door. “Charlotte and Sophia have already pulled hair, clawed eyes out, and one of them shoved the other into the bathtub and turned the shower on. Not sure who did it since we found both of them crying and sopping wet.”

Carter steps back and holds the door open for us so we can walk inside.

“Hey, man, nice shirt!” Jim states as he comes from around the corner into the living room.

Tonight, in honor of game night, Drew is wearing the shirt I got him for Christmas last year. It’s got a picture of a Twister mat and says: How about a game of Twister? Right hand on my penis, left hand on my ass.

“Veronica, why don’t you go on back to the playroom and see what the girls are doing?” I tell her as I bend down to help her remove her coat.

“Don’t tell me what to do, devil woman!”

I stand up and glare at Drew.

“What? Can I help it if she has everything from ‘Billy Madison’ memorized?”

Veronica takes off running down the hall before I can scold her. Technically it’s Drew who needs scolding, but at this point there’s no use.

“Come on, everyone’s in the dining room,” Jim says as he turns and leads the way.

An hour later we’re in the middle of a game of Mad Gab. I hate this game. Well, I hate it when it’s my turn because I never get any of them right. But it is pretty funny when it’s someone else’s turn. On one side of the card is a popular phrase, but the words are kind of jumbled together so you can’t tell right away what the phrase is. You have to say the words out loud over and over until it starts to sound like the right phrase. For example, the last one that was done, the card said: Abe Odd Hull Luck Oak. The answer, written on the back of the card was: A bottle of Coke.

“Alright, it’s Jenny’s turn,” Claire announces as she pulls a card from the box.

I groan, preparing for the fact that I will lose again.

Claire holds up the card and I read the words, mumbling them to myself.

“No, no, no. You know the rules, Jenny. Say them out loud,” Liz scolds.

I huff and start reading the words really slowly. “Hiney…duck…hiss. Hiney…duck…hiss.”

Liz is leaning over close to Claire so they can both see what the answer should be and they are laughing hysterically.

“Hiney…duck…hiss. Hiney duck hiss. Hiney duck hiss,” I say, trying to say it a little faster in the hopes that it will spark something in my mind.

Nope.

“Oh God, I can’t!” Liz laughs, holding on to her stomach and resting her forehead on top of the table. “Hiney duck!”

“Try saying it really, really fast,” Drew suggests, laughing as well.

“Hineyduckhiss. Hineyduckhiss. Hineyduckhiss. This is dumb. It makes no sense,” I complain. “Just tell me the answer.”

Claire continues to laugh as she turns the card around to show everyone the answer.

“I need a kiss? You have got to be kidding me!”

I really hate this game.

“Oh, I told you guys about the charity thing I’m doing at the shop this weekend, right?” Liz asks as she starts packing up Mad Gab to put it away.

“You mentioned something about it but refresh my memory,” Drew says as he leans back in his chair and rests his arm on the back of mine.

“Well, you know how last year we did a silent auction and all the proceeds went to The American Cancer Society? I wanted to do something a little more outrageous this year and with more of a theme that matches my store. So, I am having a vibrator race,” Liz announces.

“Whoa, really?” Drew asks. “Is that legal?”

“Why wouldn’t it be legal? I’m having it in the lot behind the store which is completely fenced in, and there will be security at the door to make sure only eighteen and up are allowed in. There will be bets and different heats and lots to drink. So make sure you all have a fantastic vibrator to bring with you. Or you could always buy a new one at the store when you get there.”

Before I can ask any questions about the vibrator race and how exactly it works, Claire shushes all of us.

“Do you guys notice anything?” she asks.

We all pause and listen.

“It’s really quiet. Why is it so quiet?” Jim asks.

With five girls in the house and a ten year old boy, there should definitely be a lot of noise coming from down the hall. The fact that we’ve been able to play a game uninterrupted for an entire hour should have clued us in that something was up.

We all jump up from the table and race down the hall. Drew is the first one to the playroom door and stops dead in his tracks in the doorway, blocking all of our views.

“Oh, holy Mary Tyler Moore,” he mutters before turning around and placing his arms on the doorframe so no one can get in. “You do NOT want to go in there.”

We all stand in the hallway giving each other equal looks of fear and horror at what could possibly be happening on the other side of Drew.

Is someone dead? Did the cat fights finally get serious and one of the girls is now missing an eye? What if it’s Veronica? Oh my God, my baby is going to have to go through life wearing an eye patch like a pirate! On National Pirate Day she’ll be expected to dress up and talk in a funny voice the whole day because she’s a pirate every day and everyone will just assume she’s really good at it. But what if she isn’t good at being a pirate? She’ll be hated by all for not knowing what “walk the plank” means. I don’t even know what the hell it means!